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This article includes language some people may find offensive.

Having just presented ‘Meet the Devotees’, a documentary that explores the trials, tribulations, empowerment and exploitation that often occurs when dating with a disability, I’ve seen my fair share of fetishes, fairytale endings and relationships that go up in smoke (and I’ve had them myself!).

The sex and relationships game is a tough one to play as it is, and an impairment can often hinder the chances of finding a sane and sexy Mr or Mrs Right even more. While this may be true in some cases, I reckon there are a few ways in which we can inject some fun (and much needed knowledge) into the battlefield of disabled dating.

Spilling the beans

As an ‘agony aunt’ for Enhance the UK’s Love Lounge, I answer a lot of nitty gritty things about disability, sex and relationships. We’re always discussing the question, 'should impairment be disclosed immediately?' It might be subtly done in a profile picture, or brought up as a ‘warning message’ before the flirting even gets off the ground. Alternatively, it might not be mentioned (or seen) until you meet your date for the first time.

There is no right way to do it. And whilst I wouldn’t choose to leave it till D-Day to turn up to a swanky restaurant or cosy cinema with a wheelchair (ta-dah!), I also think that disclosing too early can make any impairment look like more of an obstacle than it ever needs to be. I always think of it like this: if I stumbled across a profile on a dating site of a gorgeous guy who really sparked my interest, I’d want him to be funny, smart, and say something that grabbed my attention for all the right reasons. What I wouldn’t want him to do is blurt out, "Before we begin this cat and mouse tom foolery, I’m deaf and you won’t find that sexy… will you?" Bit of a mood killer for anyone.

Your magical ‘tosser’ filter

I often find, when talking to disabled friends, that impairment gives you a strange sixth sense, or a filter for all things ‘dickhead’. My disability has caused the odd bit of heartache, but it’s also given me a power that I wouldn’t trade easily; being able to weed out the guys who comment on my eyes, smile, or sense of humour from the ones who decide, very foolishly, to a) call me a ‘pretty cripple’ or b) just check that I can actually have sex before taking the conversation any further. So, even though it’s a pain when my chair gets stuck in sand when I’m trying to be sexy on the beach, and its stubbornness has caused me to crawl into plenty of women’s (and men’s) toilets in my time, I must rejoice in the fact that actually, my wheelchair repels wankers. Woo!

Those awkward silences

Even when you’ve used your filter to find someone with plenty of potential, just the dating element alone can be nerve-wracking. You’ve spoken about your impairment and been met with nods and smiles (result!), you’ve got a drink for your dry throat and talked about your favourite colours for a bit, now what? I’m a great believer that those of us with impairments have enough crazy, hilarious, awkward and tragic stories to last us a lifetime, it’s how we use our experience to show that person how interesting, smart, funny and gorgeous we are that matters. Everyone loves someone who doesn’t take life too seriously and can see beauty in even the toughest times.

Watch Meet The Devotees on now.

Originally published 6 March 2016.