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This article was first published in October 2021.

When someone who is important to you dies, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed with lots of different feelings. Some situations can be tricky – like the first time you tell someone about the death, or the first Christmas you spend without them, or maybe there were things that you feel are unsaid and you'd really like to speak to them one more time.

We asked Julie Stokes, author of You will be okay: find strength, stay hopeful and get to grips with grief, for her advice on dealing with difficult situations. Julie believes that over time we can develop strategies for dealing with these. She describes it as building a 'grief mindset'. To help you to start building yours, here are Julie’s top 3 tips…

1) Prepare what you’re going to say

It’s so hard to know what to say the first time you need to explain to people that someone close to you has died. Say, when someone asks you a question you’re not expecting, like: ‘How old is your dad?’ and you have to tell them he died. It can be hard to find the words in situations like this. I suggest having a sentence prepared that you have practised. Your sentence just needs to confidently state the facts, for example:

“Oh you weren’t to know, but my dad died when I was 3.”

Practice your own sentence in the mirror so you get used to it and you won’t worry so much about choking up as you say the words. Your confidence in saying your sentence may make it easier for others to respond naturally.

2) Getting through celebrations and special days

It’s hard to know how to get through important dates like Christmas, Eid, birthdays and anniversaries when you’re grieving. I hear a lot of young people say “if only mum could come back for our summer holiday” or “I wish grandad could be with us for Christmas.”

I had a special day when I was invited to meet the Queen. I was happy about that, but sad that my dad (who loved the Queen) couldn’t be there with me. So I grabbed a bottle of his special aftershave and splashed it all over. It was my way of saying to myself, “I am bringing dad with me today!” By doing that, I felt like my dad was with me in a meaningful way.

You can choose to remember the person who died on these special dates and moments. Some people reminisce about happy times by looking through photos, or they eat special food, others might do some fundraising in memory of the person who died.

3) Things that were left unsaid

Sometimes, when someone dies, there are things left to say. You may not have had chance to say something important if they died very suddenly, or there might have been an argument and you feel regret. Sometimes you simply want to think about things in a way that brings on happy tears. One technique you can use when you feel this way is to write down the things you wish you’d said to that person. You can write anything that you'd like them to know, but didn’t have the chance to say when they were alive. Some sentence-starters that you could use are:

I remember when…

I regret…

Now we’re not together, what I miss most is…

I laugh when…

I hope that you…

You could try taking a deep breath, thinking deeply and carefully, and then finishing the sentences. You may want to share what you’ve written with someone you trust, or put it somewhere safe so you can return to it when you’re having a difficult day.

So there we are – 3 really practical ideas to help you build your 'grief mindset'. Ideas to help you find strength, stay hopeful and gradually get to grips with the important changes in your life.

For support with bereavement, you can visit:

If you need support

You should always tell someone about the things you’re worried about. You can tell a friend, parent, guardian, teacher, or another trusted adult. If you're struggling with your mental health, going to your GP can be a good place to start to find help. Your GP can let you know what support is available to you, suggest different types of treatment and offer regular check-ups to see how you’re doing.

If you’re in need of in-the-moment support you can contact , where you can speak to a counsellor. Their lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

There are more links to helpful organisations on ����ý Action Line.