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This article was first published in July 2020.

Talking about mental health can be a really difficult experience, but sometimes listening can be difficult too.

You might feel under pressure to say the right thing, or worried about coming across as dismissive if you try to relate. There are techniques to being a good listener, however, and we spoke to an expert about what those are.

Lucia from Samaritans shares her tips on how to listen when someone opens up about their mental health.

The first step is reaching out

Lucia says it’s important not to underestimate how much courage it takes to open up. It’s very easy to say "Don’t be scared." but to the other person it might be overwhelming.

If you’re worried someone you know might be struggling, here are some ways you can make it comfortable for them to share their feelings:

• Find somewhere calm and quiet where there won’t be interruptions
• Keep your body language open - relax and make sure to look at the person talking
• Be patient - sometimes the enormity of the situation can hit them once they start, so there may be some silences. Saying “It’s okay,” or “I’m here for you,” can be helpful to reassure the person that you’re ready to listen. Encourage, but don’t push!
• Use open questions (questions which don’t have yes/no answers) to give the other person room to expand on what they’ve said
• Don’t make it about you. Saying you understand because something similar has happened to you is fine, but always turn it back to the other person.

Lucia says as the listener, you don’t have to say very much at all, because what your friend really wants to do is tell you what’s going on. But short words of encouragement, a smile here and there, nodding and eye contact can show that you’re actively listening.

Technology sometimes makes it easier

You might not be face-to-face with the person you want to help, but you can still encourage people to open up over the phone or text, and Lucia has some tips to show that you’re listening when they can’t see you:

“With the phone, it’s all about your tone of voice. Staying calm, being kind and those tiny words of encouragement are key,” she says. “We do it automatically in conversation, but over the phone it means everything to that other person to show that you’ve listened and understood.”

She also notes the power in reflecting the talker’s words back at them. For example, if someone says, “I’m hating it all the time.” you can say “Hating it all the time? Tell me what you mean.” which gives them the opportunity to expand and also shows that you care.

As for text, perhaps steer clear of memes, gifs and emojis, as these can be misinterpreted. It’s a fine line between cheering someone up and coming across as dismissive of their problems, so judge whether you should use them based on your relationship with that person.

Remember to SHUSH

It's important to note that you don’t have to have all the answers. Just create a comfortable and safe space for someone to open up to you, if and when they feel they can, and have the courage to not be put off by silence or negative responses. Be mindful that the other person is struggling and it’s taken a lot of courage on their part to start talking, so it might be a natural instinct to snap or be defensive. Stay calm and gently encourage them to keep talking, or ask how you can help.

To help you remember these tips, you can use the SHUSH method:

S - Show you care

H - Have patience

U - Use open questions (not yes/no questions)

S - Say it back

H - Have courage

If after you’ve listened, you are concerned about something they have said or you still feel worried about them, there are several other things you can do to try and support them. This could include telling someone you trust, or offering to help them find some extra support through their doctor or a specialist service which can provide tailored support for what they are facing.

If the person you are worried about is a friend that you have been chatting with online, you can flag your concerns with the platform so that they can get in touch with them.

If you need support

You should always tell someone about the things you’re worried about. You can tell a friend, parent, guardian, teacher, or another trusted adult. If you're struggling with your mental health, going to your GP can be a good place to start to find help. Your GP can let you know what support is available to you, suggest different types of treatment and offer regular check-ups to see how you’re doing.

If you’re in need of in-the-moment support you can contact , where you can speak to a counsellor. Their lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

There are more links to helpful organisations on ����ý Action Line.