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Question

Write about a time when you, or someone you know, were surprised.

Attempt 1

It was windy and wet and the road was full of big puddles. Walking along whistling he was making his way home from school in a bit of a dream. He’d got out early because of the bad weather. Which is why he’s whistling. He doesn’t much like wind or rain but he likes being let out of school early. That’s when it happens this car comes out of nowhere and just drove right through the biggest puddle you’d ever seen. It splashed up him as he stands there drenched not knowing what had hit him, he just knew he’d be in for it when he got home because his new parka was filthy and his mum would be furious.

Feedback - basic

• Shows an awareness of the purpose of the task and begins to write an entertaining story.
• Uses some figurative language, eg alliteration ‘windy and wet’.
• Uses some variety of sentence structure, eg starts with verb ‘Walking along’.
• Some variety of vocabulary.
• The ideas are linked well and the structure of the paragraph is good.

To improve

• More control of the narrative voice needed. Verb tenses vary from present to past and should use one or the other.
• More sentence variety would make this a livelier piece.
• More attention to punctuation needed – some confusion between commas and full stops.
• Vocabulary choices could be more ambitious.

Attempt 2

The wind howled and the rain battered down. The roads were more like a lake than a city centre – full of puddles. Walking along whistling, a schoolboy was making his way home from school. He was in a bit of a dream. He’d been let out early because of the bad weather. He didn’t much like the wind or the rain but he was thrilled at being let out early. That was why he was whistling. You would think it was a summer’s day! That was when it happened. The car came out of nowhere and just drove right through what was more like a miniature lake than a puddle. The water just flew up from the road and showered over the boy who stood there drenched. He didn’t know what to do but he knew he’d be told off when he got home. He was wearing his brand new parka which his mum and dad bought him for his birthday at the weekend.

Feedback - improving

• Communicates in a clear and effective way and matches the purpose of entertaining with the story form and the intended audience.
• Images and ideas link to create a well-structured narrative.
• Sentences are more varied in length creating a lively voice and helping the story to flow.
• Vocabulary choices and imagery are increasing in variety and begin to be ambitious (eg ‘howled’, ‘like a miniature lake’).

To improve

• More variety in sentence types and structure is needed – many of the sentences in the first paragraph begin with ‘he’.
• Paragraphs could be used to build tension.
• The writer should try to include the senses and aim to use more figurative language.

Attempt three

The wind howled like a banshee turning the rain into a salvo of bullets. Was this a November day in Oxford? It was more like the monsoon season in Delhi! The roads were covered in puddles the size of small lakes. Walking along and seemingly unaware of it all was a schoolboy. Whistling as he strolled along, hands in his pockets, he was casually making his way home from school. To say he was in a bit of a dream was an understatement. He’d been let out early because of the bad weather and, although he didn’t much like either wind or rain he was in his new parka and, best of all, he was thrilled to the core at being let out of school early. That was why he was whistling. To him it was a summer’s day!

That was when it happened.

A car came out of nowhere and drove right through a puddle that was doing a very good impression of a miniature lake. The water leapt up from the road with a life of its own and drenched the day-dreaming boy. He was jolted out of his reverie and stood there dazed and drenched. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew he’d be in for it when he got home. His brand new parka had turned from green to a kind of dirty khaki-brown. This wasn’t going to be fun. The parka had been a very expensive present from mum and dad.

Feedback - even better

• The story is absorbing and convincing.
• It maintains a consistent viewpoint.
• The tone, style and voice all match purpose, form and audience to create an engaging narrative.
• The sentences are varied in length and type to create a lively style.
• Punctuation is accurate throughout and sophisticated in places.
• Spelling is accurate and vocabulary choices are ambitious (eg ‘banshee’, ‘understatement’, ‘reverie’ and ‘khaki-brown’).
• The description is impressive with some good uses of figurative language eg ‘like a banshee’, ‘thrilled to the core’, ‘leapt up’ and ‘dazed and drenched’).