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I LOVE HIM

I'm just lying here, not knowing what to do, I would scream but he said he would hit me again if I did. The only thing that makes me feel better is that my mum will be here in 10 minutes to pick me up. Then he will just act like nothings going on and kiss me goodbye so that my mum doesn't get suspicious. How did this even start? Why did he start to get so aggressive? We used to be so close, he used to love me.

We had known each other a year before we started dating. He had asked me out a few times before I said yes, I just thought it was a bit too soon because of the age gap and that, its not that I didn't like him. He was really sweet and always said to me 'Saffron I love you' and I would always say it back, because I meant it. People always said he was too old for me but I just said 'no, he's perfect and I love him' I was 13 when we met and he was 18. So that makes me 15 now and the used to be love of my life is 20. My mum wasn't too happy about the age gap either but I just engorged her. Oh how I wish I listened to all those people. That's why I don't tell them what's happening because they will just say, I told you so. It started about 4months ago when he turned 20. He started going out drinking more with his mates. Then he would make me come out at 2 in the mourning just to come and see him so he could get his kicks for the day. He was drunk every time, and if I said no he would hit me. He said I was only a little girl and that I don't understand that men always get what they want. My mum started to notice the bruising but I just said I fell over in P.E or something. My mum and him got on really well and promised her that we wouldn't sleep together till I am old enough, what I lie, we slept together on my 14 birthday the day he asked me out a I said yes. He said that's how adults celebrate but I didn't realise that it was illegal. I didn't now about contraception and because my mum didn't now we were sleeping together she didn't tell me about it. He didn't use any and I didn't like school and didn't go so they couldn't tell me anything either.

So tonight I told him I think I could me pregnant. I looked up about sex on the internet any I realised you have to use things to not get pregnant. Any how, he went mad said I was stupid not to go on the pill or anything but I didn't now about it, It wasn't my fault. It was his wasn't it? That's what I just kept telling him, that it was his fault not mine and it just made him angrier with me. I told him it was over and walked out but he just grabbed me a swung me on the bed. Then he raped me! And now I'm just lying here, not knowing what to do, I would scream but he said he would hit me again if I did. The only thing that makes me feel better is that my mum will be here in 10 minutes to pick me up. Then he will just act like nothings going on and kiss me goodbye so that my mum doesn't get suspicious. When he had finished he told me to go and sort myself out. When I came back into the room he was snorting something. I ask him what it was he just called me names and said he doesn't love me any more and how I had better get rid of the baby and if I didn't he would kill me. I told him that I was going to tell my mum everything and he went mad. Then I realised he must be taking the drugs all the time and this is what is making him go and at me and hurting me. He hit me and I fell to the floor I banged my head on the side of the bed and I was knocked out.

I woke up and I was tied up to the bed with no clothes on. Ben was in the corner and was snorting again. He saw me waking up and quickly tried to hide it. He came up to me and kissed me on my forehead. He said he was sorry and he started to cry. 'I am so sorry Saffron, I love you so much I just want to'' he stopped 'What' I said 'What' he just looked at me and put his hand into his back pocket and pulled out a knife. 'You have to go to heaven baby, you have to go, you have to many bad memories to live in this world, butt don't worry ill keep you body and Ill just hold you forever'

I didn't even get change to scream he just did it, and know I am here watching from heaven, asking myself loads of questions. When my mum came to pick me up and I was unconscious what did Ben say? Was I pregnant? And did he really love me or was it the drugs making him love me? No matter what happened I loved him. You probably reading this going 'YOU STUPID GIRL, DON'T LOVE HIM!!' but I do. We had 6months of happiness before all of this happened it's not his fault he attacked me it was the drugs. Heaven is a nice place but I miss Ben. I can see him now sitting in his prison cell wishing he never did it. I watch him hold his breath till he is blue. See he does love me. He is coming to heave to see me.

He did kill him self but he never came, I waited for ages at the entrance of the gate but he never came. He must have gone to hell, but he wasn't a bad man. I love him, I love him no matter what.