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'So we are officially on the pull?'
'That's right!'
And at this moment, I would have happily surrendered my carcass to a very bad tempered hippo. I continued to stroke my cat, Mittens, although a little more vigorously than before. He seemed to dislike the way I was raking his skin agitatedly, possibly because I was uprooting most of his fur and he took a bid for freedom from my lap. I caught him mid leap and smirked at his disgruntled groan.
'Fine.' I said to him, simply letting him go and watching him thud down on the carpet.
'So, you wanna hear some tips?' Said the girl sitting on my bed next to me, flinching as a torrent of cat hair that I had stripped from my pet's body rose into the air, threatening to rest themselves on her new jacket.
'Well''
'First!' My infuriating best friend, Ella jingled her bangles as she pointed a finger to'nothing in particular. She even bossed about the air particles, and to be honest, they haven't done anything wrong, except maybe not finding a way to get rid of carbon dioxide, 'If you see a guy, stare at him!'
'A most alluring look I'm sure'!' I said dryly, and then pulled a rather vacant face, eyes wide and tongue lolling as I stared at an imaginary piece of boy candy. Ella sniffed in irritation, but very fondly'!
'I wasn't finished! You make eye contact then if he looks back, smile sexily at him!'
I snorted, immediately regretting it as Ella raised her eyebrows and her nostrils flared. God, it was like a deranged and boy-snatching etiquette lesson, without the conserving dignity part.
'I can't 'smile sexily'.' I confessed, trying to look apologetic, only to become majorly depressed at this thought instead. A sexy smile would be useful if I was going to have to 'pull'' and Ella could flash one in the mirror and it would devour her, unless she devoured the mirror first'
'Secondly, show your teeth, like, a big wide smile.' Ella demonstrated her mouth so wide I'm surprised she didn't swallow me. I raised an eyebrow.
'Ok, first: I'm going to need two mouths if I want to show both my 'sexy' smile and my 'toothy' smile in the small time that I have as Subject Eye Candy passes me by and secondly: if I'm going to show my teeth, he might well hold up a can of beans and ask me to open them with this lovely contraption!' And that's when I demonstrated my smile- a face full of metal wires and elastic bands, a huge mess working valiantly (and bloody slowly!) to sort out the massacre that was my set of teeth. I swear I saw Ella flinch and I was prepared to eat her, or possibly just shred her with my brace if she tried to disguise it as a nervous tick'
'Well'how about a mischievous smirk?' She tried, 'To show your cheeky and fun side?'
I knew that surrender was the only way out of an ego-bashing. The more Ella tried to console me about my looks, the worse I damn-well felt!
'Yes'' I said with panache, 'That will work. Let us go, maybe we can grab a burger on the way.'
'Yeah, and feel the fat slowly settling on my hips!' Ella laughed, throwing her head back and letting the tinkling sound fill the room until-
'Alright, Tinkerbell, let's wait until we find some boys until you switch on the charm, unless you want me to fall to your feet in a lesbian frenzy!' I snapped, slamming my bedroom door mutinously.
'Tessa'maybe you should lay off the strong cheese at night''