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Only The Dumbliest Fakiest Choc Ads...

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Fraser McAlpine | 17:17 UK time, Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Girls Aloud

NOTE TO GIRLS ALOUD: If you are going to advertise chocolate, please try and look as if you have the faintest idea of what chocolate may be, and what it is for. Please try and hold the bars of chocolate you are being paid to enthuse about as if they are desirable objects and not, say, unexploded poo-bombs, or a sweaty cat. Please also attempt to look like you're dying for something to soothe the throb in your sweet tooth, and not as if some child has left you their sweets to hold while they go to the toilet.

Cheryl Tweedy

This includes you, Cheryl Tweedy. What you're doing here does not say "OH MY GOD, I FLIPPING LOVE KIT-KATS, ME.", it says "so you're saying that people actually EAT this stuff? Golly, I am glad that my celebrity lifestyle keeps me from such ghastly things. I shall have to tell my good friend Victoria Beckham about this".

Sarah and Kit KatYes, Sarah, that's close to what you need to do in order to discover the hidden delights within. Sadly, you've still not quite got the hang of where these delights may be and how you get to them. Keep trying, and let us know how you get on...

Mind you, Girls Aloud aren't the only choc-toting celebs who don't seem to know what the hell the thing in their hands is for.

Eva and MagnumEva here, who will advertise literally ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, is holding this Magnum as if she's just looking after it for a friend. A fat friend. A fat friend who has asked her to hold the Magnum while he or she eats another Magnum. Eva is a little unsettled at the speed with which her fat friend is eating, and then someone has asked to take a picture of her, and now she's worried that if she even looks at the Magnum, she's going to become fat herself.

Hardly going to generate a massive run to the newsagents for those gullible Desperate Housewives fans, eh?

And now, the most choc-confused pop-related choc advert ever...

Joss Stone

OK, so someone has told her how to open the damn thing, but it still doesn't make this pleasant. She clearly thinks there's going to be something sexy inside too, and she's pleased about this. She may even want you or I to be involved in some way...and who needs that thought in their heads? It's WRONG! SICK AND WRONG! I NEED TO LIE DOWN! WAAAH!

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Thanks to Anna Mccleery from ´óÏó´«Ã½ Switch for the pics, and the idea, and most of the words, and allowing me a nice nap. The rest was ALL ME...

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