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Ideas For X-Factor Theme Weeks

The Greatest Hits Of Dr Dre Week
Extra points will be awarded if contestants can get the dropped-out swear words right.

Cockney Knees-Up Week
Examples: 'The Lambeth Walk', 'Let's All Go Down The Strand', 'Knees Up, Mother Brown'

Football Terrace Chant Week
Examples: 'Who Ate All The Pies?', 'You Fat B*', 'We Love You Simon, We Do'

Aphex Twin Week
Examples: 'Come To Daddy', 'Windowlicker'

Official World Cup Anthems Week
Examples: 'Three Lions', 'World In Motion', 'World Cup Willy'

Eurovisions Entries Which Finished Lower Than Fifteenth Overall Week
Examples: Any recent UK entry, really. That Gemini one, for starters.

Songs In An Eastern European Language Week
Everyone loves a tongue-twister.

Songs Where The Gender Of The Singer Is Not The Same As That Of The Person Who Originally Sang It Week
Examples: 'Man I Feel Like A Woman', 'Thong Song', 'You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman'

Hair Metal Week

Metal Hair Week
More of a wardrobe one, this.

Songs By Previous Pop Idol/X Factor Contestants Who Have Since Vanished Into Obscurity Week
Examples: The one by that big girl, the one by the cheesy old man.

Songs No One Has Ever Heard Of Week
Examples: Er...

Mozart Week
Not the operas either. The symphonies. In full. This would last all night, and every performance would have to be entirely sung a capella.

Whalesong Week
Simon: "That performance wasn't even good enough for a narwal...it had no spark, it had no drive, and worst of all, it had no porpoise..."

Slipknot Week
The extra fun in this is that people won't know which contestant is which. Plus there's all the shouting.

Gary Glitter Week
OK, probably not.

Devendra Banhart Week
Complete with stick-on beards, plastic fingernails, and a wobbly stage to give their voices the crucial sheepy bray.

Children's TV Themes Week
Louis: "Even Bob The Builder couldn't fix THAT shambles..."

Humming Like Bees Week

Random Tickle Attack Week
Each contestant would perform as normal, except robot arms would pop up from the floor and tickle them, just as they hit their longest, highest, pleadiest note. Contestants would get special credit for keeping a straight face.

Gladiators Week
Ever tried singing on a treadmill while a greased-up steroid-monkey in a leotard whacks you around the head with a giant cotton bud? Nope, me neither.

Singing 'Flying Without Wings' While Falling Down A Lift-Shaft Week
Don't worry, we'll put a mattress at the bottom. Maybe.

Singing With Your Mouth Full Week
Examples: 'Food, Glorious Food', 'Hungry Like The Wolf', 'Eat My Goal'

Children's Bedtime Story Week
Something for the X-Factor's younger audience. Each contestant reads an extract from Winnie The Pooh, and tries not to giggle at lines like "Christopher Robin picked up his Bear by the leg and walked off to the door, trailing Pooh behind him".

Peter Andre Week
Extra Twist: Peter performs as a contestant himself, and may be voted off.

JudgeSwap Week 1
Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii swap with the Strictly Come Dancing judges. This will almost certainly happen.

JudgeSwap Week 2
Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii perform the songs, the contestants judge them.

JudgeSwap Week 3
Simon, Cheryl, Louis and Dannii swap personalities. Then there's a fight over who gets to be Simon.
Simon wins.

Anyone else want to join in? C'mon then...