Interestingly, Scotland finish the group stages of the campaign against Holland on the ninth of September 2009.
The digits 999 though, might be useful before then.
This is a World Cup emergency but I suspect the collective talents of the police, the fire service, the ambulance crews, the coastguard and the SAS couldn't save us now.
Holland have Robben in their team this weekend, but to be honest I can't see him needing Batman.
Miracle-believers apart, is there anyone of the Caledonia persuasion out there who really believes we can bring home anything more than tulips from Amsterdam?
That would be blooming unbelievable.
The Dutch of class; Mark van Bommel of Bayern, Wesley Snejder and his Real Madrid pal Arjen Robben, Van Persie of the Arsenal and Dirk Kuyt and Ryan Babel of the club in the middle of an inferno, Liverpool.
If Scottish football were the school sports the Co-operative Insurance Cup is the egg and spoon race.
Don't get me wrong - a win's a win and I remember partying on Vimto till nightfall after I came second in the three-legged race, won - under suspicious circumstances - by a lad from the Isle of Man.
And so Celtic supporters were entitled to pop their corks in the wake of .
The will put their protests in the cupboard and for Celtic the will hardly merit a mention. The Old Firm are back on centre stage.
Let us pray first of all that it is not a bloody Sunday: that the bigoted insane can stretch their pea-sized brains round the fact that this is a football match, not a re-enactment of Irish social history.
There are decent malt whiskies on sale which have aged more years than the IQ of some of these fruitcakes.
As soon as I was old enough to learn the meaning of irony, I applied it to the motto of my native city.
For those of us who craved to play the beautiful game, Glasgow was anything but a dear green place.
The parkland culture of the second city of the Empire didn't seem to stretch to football pitches in the fifties, sixties and seventies and indeed beyond.
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