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The main problem lies in the distribution of hair. While the lower cheeks are covered by a veritable forest, there are large barren areas above the jaw bone. The last time I saw that much space, .
Becks has a hairy moment
My other half observed that Becks "looks like something out of Jane Austen", while the pork chops reminded me of Supergrass frontman - you may remember their hit Caught By The Fuzz.

Of course, beards in football are nothing new - why it only seems like yesterday that was prowling the technical area looking like a cross between and the , while my introduction to facial hair was provided by Shoot columnists and back in the 70s.

Indeed I found it quite unnerving when Mortimer shaved his off - even though he managed to lift the European Cup without it - while the Kings of Leon were a whisker away from becoming the coolest band on the planet until a trip to the barbers turned them into stadium rockers with a penchant for soft rock anthems

I digress. Even stranger than the beard - which admittedly came as a (Brian) blessed relief in a slow news week - was to give the man-of-the-match award to a clearly bemused Becks, who had been on the field for all of half an hour against Belarus.

"I don't know how I got that," he grinned. "Thanks, Brucie. I played with him, of course." Of course.

Relieved bookies, who took large sums on two-goal Peter Crouch to get the honour, described the bizarre decision as "a Brucie bonus", while . "Yes, I was a bit surprised," he said. "I thought it was like Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize after eight months as President." Or 'Load of Baracks!' as The Sun put it.

At least it deflected attention away from following his error against Ukraine (Blame It On Rio was a particular favourite among the headline writers).

On the morning of the match, was published in which he promised there would be no distractions for England at the World Cup, although he clearly had other things on his mind in Dnipropetrovsk. Not the first time he's forgotten where he was supposed to be.

Ferdinand initially received his marching orders before the referee realised his mistake and showed red to Green. The West Ham keeper was probably secretly relieved to leave the field after his goalmouth was . I haven't seen that many flares since Slade were in their heyday.

The main talking point of the Ukraine game was the fact it was . You could picture thousands of men hunched over their computers peering intently at the images, safe in the knowledge that for once they wouldn't have to pretend they were looking at the long-range weather forecast when their other halves unexpectedly walked into the room.

With no Premier League action, and internationals involving the home nations reduced to meaningless friendlies, there was a dearth of news in the football world this week - summed up on Wednesday afternoon when most outlets led with the story 'Gerrard ruled out of Belarus game' - a headline which was actually prepared five weeks earlier when Capello's men qualified for the World Cup.

In fact once the Republic of Ireland had conceded that , the main focus switched to Argentina - on the brink of failing to qualify for the World Cup for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the earth in the shape of and their prog-rock mates.

When Diego Maradona dived to celebrate his side's last-minute winner against Peru, : "He looked like Thunderbird 2." who took on the role of International Rescue - and they may be needed again to get Sir Alex Ferguson out of a hole.

The United manager issued an following last week's outburst, explaining "It was never my intention to bring the focus of media attention on Mr Wiley" (after announcing to the whole world that he was not fit enough to referee).
Don't push it, son!
When one intrepid reporter asked if he could raise the subject at Fergie's pre-match briefing for the Bolton game, Sir Alex snapped: "No. You can't. I know you're an intelligent boy but don't go too far." The journalist can think himself lucky the TV cameras were rolling at the time.

Meanwhile Fergie's old sparring partner Rafa Benitez escaped with a warning for using his glasses as a prop to show what he thought of Phil Dowd back in August.
, who previously escaped censure for making a goggles gesture to another official. Good old Colin - still the scourge of referees even when he's sat at home with his feet up.

In other news, Notts County sacked Ian McParland (no specs required to see that one coming) while after convincing officials the banned substance was in a bee-sting remedy. When asked for his comments on the verdict, the Italian captain reportedly said: "I'm buzzin' man!"

, who has won the race with strike partner Wayne Rooney to become a Daddy. Wife Elena gave birth to baby daughter Dea on Wednesday, although claims the labour was brought on by the shock of hubby scoring a hat-trick for Bulgaria are as yet unconfirmed.

Meanwhile up in Scotland, details have emerged of a shocking theft involving the . Bairns spokesman Keith Hogg (good mascot name) said: "Everyone's concerned as to where he's disappeared to. We haven't even had a ransom note." Local police added: "If anyone has seen anything suspicious, they should contact us." Like a giant fox propping up the bar at the local, for instance.

And finally, last week it was nicknames this week it's team names and the revelation that the Sunday League outfit of ex-Beautiful South singer Paul Heaton are known as . I seem to recall a team called AC a-little-silhouetto-of-a-man (quite fitting in the week England played Belarus, Belarus can you do the fandango) but I'm sure there are better ones out there somewhere.

Before I go, breaking news from website, who report: "Mega bucks football club Notts County have signed David Beckham's beard in a bid to reach the Premiership. It is expected to be named captain immediately in a bid to inspire the rest of the squad."

Have a good weekend one and all - hope your team win, unless they're called Preston.