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He added: "If they are spitting near other people it could certainly increase the risk of passing on infections. It is a nasty habit that should be discouraged."

Spitting is a given in the Premier League
Fine words - and don't get me wrong, swine flu is no laughing matter - but how exactly do they propose to enforce it? Perhaps the TV companies will introduce a new 'gobcam' feature on the red button - three hoicks and you're out?

And Fifa might think about extending the fair play league to name and shame offenders, prompting a straight fight between Flobbie Savage and Robert Greeny. I've got me coat.

Telling a footballer not to spit is like asking Jordan and Peter to carry out a normal everyday function without at least 14 TV crews in attendance. It's got to the stage where it's an involuntary action for the players and not an ideal role model for your kids - although back in my day it was the punks doing all the spitting.

I remember hitching up to Newcastle with my mate to watch play and throughout the gig, frontman Joey Ramone was using a towel to wipe the spittle off his face. At the end of the concert I managed to procure said towel and proudly left it at the end of my bed. When I got back from school the next day my mum announced: "I don't know where that filthy thing came from but I've given it a good wash." Grrr.

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce was annoyed Rovers' game with Chelsea was not called off after three of his players contracted swine flu, of catching a dose. But Carlo Ancelotti has already got battle plans in place in the shape of "my grandmother's prescription - hot milk, alcohol - red wine. Fantastic".

The Telegraph suggested Allardyce, along with his old mate Sir Alex Ferguson, were in fact . One minute Fergie was accepting an improper conduct charge for having a pop at Alan Wiley, the next he was had the experience to officiate in their defeat at Liverpool.

Then we had the curious case of Fernando Torres celebrating his strike in the 2-0 win by . A case of once bitten twice sigh for United, perhaps.

Staying in the Premier League and . "I can sit there for hours, turn my mobile off and watch the world go by - my biggest catch is a 28lb carp," said the Chelsea captain - while strangely neglecting to mention the one that got away in the Champions League final.

Talking of the Riverside, Middlesbrough caretaker boss Colin Cooper had a few words to say about star player Adam Johnson ahead of Gordon Strachan's arrival. "He is definitely going places," raved Cooper. Liverpool, Everton, Sunderland.... take your pick.

Further up the road and in the week there was a right old Carry On at Newcastle, with the . Owner Mike Ashley reportedly declared: "Coo, luvaduck and stone the crows. I'd laav it, laav it if we went up" (even though he's actually from Hampshire).

Ashley risked fury from fans after claims the stadium name might be changed to raise funds (The Cheryl Cole Arena was the suggestion from one wag on ) and his u-turn ended the dreams of local businessman Barry Moat.

I've always thought his name sounded like acharacter and to celebrate the comic's 30th birthday this week, here's a classic for our dearly beloved players: 'Footballers: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.'

Over at Hull, Phil Brown dismissed claims his job is on the line following the departure of chairman Paul Duffen by insisting: Many commentators suggested watching Hull's 0-0 draw with Portsmouth on Saturday was more painful than pulling teeth. Having experienced exactly that at the dentist's on Thursday morning, I can assure you they are wrong.

Meanwhile fellow strugglers of people they would like to contact in the wake of the Millwall trouble. A quick scan reveals a few familiar faces - No 83 looks like Rooney, 100 is the spit of Keano and 97 is a dead-ringer for the legendary Mooro himself.

Elsewhere, El Hadji Diouf has followed the example of by having the initials of wife Valerie stitched into the seats of his Cadillac. Just to confirm, that's Valerie Diouf. And there was great nickname potential down at Watford as striker Henri Lansbury netted a double against Sheffield Wednesday. Got to be , surely?
Stan Collymore has some radical plans for the top flight
The Hornets are on a good run, but they will never be in the top flight again if Stan Collymore has his way. "I would like to see the Premier League comprised solely of the clubs who have been the biggest and most successful sides in modern history....there would be no promotion or relegation, which would allow those teams to grow."

Collymore added: "I think we should forget the 39th game and just have the top 25 clubs in the country playing 50 games. I'm salivating at the thought." Quick, someone call the Health Protection Agency. Oh, and Carol Vorderman to check Stan's adding up.

It would certainly put paid to any dream I have of seeing top-flight football at Loftus Road again (does second place in 1976 count, Stan?) - although QPR have been preoccupied with more important matters.

Academy assistant Marc Bircham revealed the players have been "because we don't want them getting too flash". That's Marc Bircham who during his playing days took to the field with his hair dyed blue and white.

Meanwhile joint-owner has a spring in his step after going public about his 30-year-old Brazilian girlfriend. Good work, Bernie, but not quite in the same league as , who has just married his sixth wife, aged...17.

And finally, story of the week comes from OK magazine, via and features a "super-glam 24 hours" in the company of Jermaine Jenas' fiancee, Ellie Penfold.

She gushed: "Jermaine is really generous - he bought me some Christian Louboutin shoes for Christmas which I love. But the best present he ever got is priceless - a tattoo of my face on his forearm."

Have a good weekend one and all. Half our office are coming down to watch QPR-Leicester on Friday to see what I have been raving on about - which virtually guarantees a hard-fought 1-0 win for the Foxes.

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