Out Of My Tree
鈥淭he trouble with holidaying in Britain,鈥 said Mrs Z., stuffing the last bit of banana fritter into her mouth, 鈥渋s that we鈥檙e running out of places to visit that are any nicer than where we live ourselves.鈥
We were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in Bowness treating ourselves to the all-you-can-eat-for-nine-quid deal. It had been a long day, most of it spent on the water. We鈥檇 taken the cruise boat up Lake Windermere to the Lakeside Aquarium. A sign outside the aquarium had warned us that it contained 鈥渕enacing pike鈥 but we went in anyway. Call us foolhardy. It also had otters, field mice, live crabs and British sharks. You could tell they were British sharks because they kept apologising to their prey and then actually refused to eat them until the keepers agreed to produce a deep-fryer and some ketchup.
Then, this afternoon, we went for a swim 鈥 no, not in Lake Windermere but in a local country club. You see, we鈥檝e rented this cottage in Windermere village. The cottage sits in the grounds of a hotel. That hotel has an arrangement with the country club so that we鈥檙e able to use their facilities.
So here鈥檚 where I tell you another problem with holidaying in Britain. It鈥檚 the jobsworth mentality of the people at the heart of our tourism industry. They鈥檙e a small minority, but a vocal one.
At the country club, for example, we weren鈥檛 allowed to have a quick look around the facilities until we鈥檇 completed all the necessary paperwork. In fact we were physically barred from climbing a set of stairs by a Kim Woodburn look-a-like. She blamed 鈥渇ire regulations鈥 for this rule. As you know, when firefighters rush to the scene of an inferno, they wont rescue anyone unless they鈥檝e got the required chit and docket.
It was the same thing yesterday in a local motor museum in Keswick which had enticed us with a brochure advertising the 鈥渃ars of the stars鈥, including the original Batmobile and Chitty,Chitty, Bang, Bang.
鈥淣o photographs, 鈥渟aid the man at the door, relieving us of fourteen pounds for a family ticket, 鈥渁nd all mobile phones to be switched OFF.鈥
I protested that half the fun of seeing these famous cars was to pose beside them like a dooly while other family members snapped off half-dozen out-of-focus shots.
鈥淪orry, 鈥 said Mr Jobsworth, 鈥渂ut our hands are tied by international copyright regulations.鈥
I was going to argue the toss about the mobile phone rule because Mrs Z.鈥檚 phone (as she continually points out) doesn鈥檛 have a camera. But then, maybe we鈥檇 also be in breach of copyright rules if we even phoned a friend from the museum and described the finer points of that car from the Dukes of Hazzard.
All of which brings me to something I heard yesterday on 大象传媒 Radio Cumbria. The presenter went live to a man who had decided to spend a fortnight 80 foot up a tree. There was a worrying moment when the phone line went dead and listeners were left to imagine this poor bloke tumbling to the ground.
In fact he had simply climbed higher up the tree to get a better signal and then told us how he had spent his first night in a hammock being battered by rain and wind.
I can鈥檛 for the life of me remember why he was doing this. Something about a tree charity, I think. But I do admire his bravery.
Imagine doing something like that in this country鈥.and without a permit too!
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