´óÏó´«Ã½

Before it leaks out to the tabloids I would like to confess to having made a racist remark in front of my ´óÏó´«Ã½ colleagues. It was meant as a joke, but I now realise that this kind of thing is just not acceptable in a modern workplace. The fact that other people were doing it too is no excuse. I think the very least I can do now is apologise and, of course, give you all the sordid details.

You see it all happened yesterday afternoon. You'll remember how there was all that snow down south and London came to a stand-still. There was bad weather in the south of Scotland too and the odd flurry of sleet in Glasgow. I was sitting at my desk , watching it out of a fourth floor window at Pacific Quay, when my wife called me on the mobile to tell me that it was bright and sunny in Inverness and that she had actually been able to hang out a washing. There was some further chit-chat about my underpants but we needn't go there.

As I finished the call with my usual kissy kissy noises, I noticed a new e-mail pop up on the computer screen in front of me. It was one of those all-staff thingies offering advice about the weather and advising that all non-essential employees should make their way home immediately. Well, of course, I had my coat on and was headed towards the door when someone pointed out the annoying fact that it had actually stopped snowing in Glasgow.

This prompted a small tirade from me about how we never got that kind of 'go home' advice when it was only snowing in Scotland. For no good reason I might also have widened my rant to include rude London taxi drivers and then - oh the shame of it - I might have launched into a Dick van Dyke-style cockney accent and enacted the part of a Pearly King struggling through the snow to buy some jellied eels.

I would like to state that I meant no offence to anyone born within earshot of Bow Bells and I am now offering to personally lead the next bout of ´óÏó´«Ã½ self-flagellation.

And cor blimey, guv'nor, I can't say fairer than that.

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