Paper Monitor
11:36 UK time, Tuesday, 6 November 2007
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Having just polished off a bowl of Credit Crunch, a dubious new breakfast cereal that threatens all sorts of digestive disquiet, Paper Monitor is all fired up and ready for its main course: a hefty helping of newsprint with lashings of freebie offers.
The Times (free Pizza, 2 for 1 at every Pizza Express) is preaching to the converted in this case, with a front page splash on the latest developments in the world of finance. "Credit card users hurt by squeeze" says the headline. "Nearly half of all shoppers seeking credit cards are being refused…" Just in case you can't read ordinary newspaper type, look there's a graphic of credit cards and fake rubber stamp impressions saying "REFUSED" and "REJECTED".
The Daily Telegraph (free best-selling novel by James Patterson) has a different take altogether on the hurdy gurdy world of finance on its front page – a svelte and tanned woman dressed in a backless leopard print (the first resort of middle-aged women wanting to look sassy) dress. Eh? What’s that got to do with the confidence-sapping financial environment du jour? Well, said lady is married to a bloke who invested several million squid in Sainsbury's, only to see his gains wiped out when the people planning a takeover, bailed out. Not convinced? Look, there's another picture of her on the inside showing ample cleavage. What's more there's also a picture of the couple's "£18m five-story mansion".
No such licentious behaviour on the front of the Guardian (free, er, articles from the Guardian of yore… repackaged as a "Best of"), where olives have been replaced by bananas. Shippers of the fruit are taking advantage of tax havens, according to the paper.
Forget freebies at the Daily Express, the big bonus is it NOT leading with a Madeleine story. In these times of privation, one has to be thankful for small mercies.
Finally, all credit (sans crunch) to the Sun for its front page headline: "Macca's smacker with a married cracker". Interest rates may soar, stock markets may plummet, but through it all Paper Monitor will always cherish its Sun.
The 
