´óÏó´«Ã½

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Kosher is not the word to describe the method of slaughtering animals which conforms to Jewish law - it's shechita.

2. Britons throw away 1.3 million unopened pots of yoghurt each day.

3. Punch and Judy puppeteers are called professors.

4. The duck-billed platypus's genetic code contains avian, reptilian and mammalian features.

5 No one knows how many adults there are in England with autism.

6. Foreign workers at British airports don't have to undergo criminal record checks.

7. Only 3% of London street robberies are solved with the help of CCTV evidence.

8. The song Waltzing Matilda was believed to be a socialist anthem.

9. Catherine Tate won the People's Choice Award at the 2005 British Comedy Awards, not Ant and Dec.

10. Flowers wave at passing insects to get their attention.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Lobo Dileep for this week's picture of 10 Canadian Geese and was taken at Colwick Country Park, Nottingham. (You have to look hard.)

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Your article (, 7 May) bears out the fact that the "rise" of no-win, no-fee is more of a perception than a reality. But it's a powerful perception, and one that is often the root cause of seemingly irrational decisions to require schoolchildren to wear goggles to play conkers, but not to wear them in the swimming pool when the chlorinated water irritates their eyes! My profession, health and safety, then gets saddled with the blame. But the reality is that it's not a result of advice given by health and safety professionals - rather officials seeking an easy way out of a difficult decision or racked with unrealistic fears that they might be sued should something go wrong. Modern health and safety practice is about striking a sensible balance. Unfortunately, it's a powerful and believable excuse for some in positions of authority. Health and safety professionals are not interested in preventing people from doing activities that have gone ahead without serious harm for generations. We want people to have good fun - in a safe and healthy way.
Ray Hurst, IOSH President, Wigston, Leicestershire

I'm sad to see the ´óÏó´«Ã½ reporting that there are . The words should be "manufacturing wind turbines", and you are missing companies such as GEWind, REPower, Enercon; to name but a few.
Kieran, Kernow

Re Thursday's letters, it's quite easy to find the "Biblical attributes of a virtuous woman" by typing that phrase into a search engine. It makes for enlightening reading. Planted any vineyards recently? No? Then according to the Bible, you're not a virtuous woman. And I bet you haven't grasped a spindle in ages. You sinner.
Adam, Belfast, UK

Is anyone else utterly sick of seeing the word "row" in ´óÏó´«Ã½ headlines? If this were the sixties, would the ´óÏó´«Ã½ insist upon referring to the "Cuban Missile Row"?
Alex Knibb, Bristol, UK

Steve from Newcastle (Thursday's letters) - you haven't got it right, I'm afraid. ITV have already paid most of the £7.8m back to viewers or to charities. The £5.7m fine is on top of that. And sending Michael Grade to prison would be rather harsh, since he joined ITV after the various phone scams had already happened!
Alan, Chelmsford

Re , let's hope any exotic fruits (lemons etc) that Gordon uses are locally grown then, where can I get bananas and pineapples local to Sussex please? (My lemon tree has never borne fruit.)
Naomi P, Sussex

In , the story says she was "ordered to complete 60 hours of unpaid work, pay £250 costs and was banned for life from keeping animals". Re the last line - do cats not class as animals?
Kath, Cheshire

Can I just make it clear that I have nothing to do with .
Ralph, Cumbria

I see the "most e-mailed' story on Friday morning" is ... and I thought interest in ornithology was somewhat dwindling.
Adam, Manchester

Did anyone else rub their hands with glee, and indeed in preparation, before opening the story called "Great tits cope well with warming"?
Gazardo, Stockport

You know the noise the crowd at a football match makes when they think the ball's going to go into the goal, and then it just misses? A bit like "YEEA-Oooohhhh". That's the sound I heard in my head after seeing the headline for and then reading the article itself.
Robert Phillips, Cardiff, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The sun has been out and that means it's time for decolletage-watch in the papers.

One expects the worst in the Daily Star. They think nothing of placing one blurb, for the latest horrific revelations from the Fritzl case, next to another blurb saying "stand by for a hot & steamy weekend" with a picture of a page three girl.

Any newspaper that doesn't spot any potential inappropriateness there is probably going to have no qualms about littering its pages with cleavage.

But what's going on in the Daily Mail? Page five: mild bit of cleavage shown on Catherine Tate. Page nine: dominated by big pictures of Mara Carfagna, late of the world of glamour modelling and now a member of Silvio Berlusconi's government.

Page 11: alarming shot of Girls Aloud's Sarah Harding's thrust-out chest superimposed on an image of the Lake District. Page 33: Myleene Klass leaning forward in a very low-cut dress. Page 35: Another hint of cleavage in interview with wedding planner.

What is the world coming to?

Over in the Daily Express there is a summer season classic. Here's an idea. It was really hot in some parts of Britain yesterday. It isn't always hot here, so wouldn't it be funny to take some other places where it is usually hot and compare the temperatures?

Get this. It was hotter in Britain yesterday than it was in Barcelona and Corfu. Why go on a foreign holiday ever again?

Elsewhere in the Express, there is a classic example of what is known in the world of newspapers as a "management must" - a story which has to be done because of the involvement of a powerful person at the paper.

There's an account of a charity event featuring a performance from a supergroup featuring Roger Daltrey and Zoot Money. But the presence of Express owner Richard Desmond on drums was surely incidental to the decision to make this the page 19 lead.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the index.

"Reflects on themes such as betrayal and heartbreak" - Blurb for art show by Apprentice evictee Nicholas de Lacy-Brown

As the first person to be fired from the Apprentice, it is perhaps appropriate that De Lacy-Brown's exhibition at the Arndean Gallery in Mayfair should deal with themes of betrayal and heartbreak. These are apparently contained in "Pre-Raphaelite-style meanings". So there.

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Is this the ultimate in security paranoia ()? "Security was very tight," we're told. But seriously, just how many protesters were they expecting?
Adam, London, UK

Anyone else struck by the irony of Russian football fans coming to Manchester to watch a final (), while English football fans are going to Russia ()? Maybe fans from each country could set up an exchange program?
PS, Newcastle, England

Let's see if I've got this straight. : £7.8m resulting fine of £5.7m. So ITV still ends up £2.1m ahead. I'm pretty sure that If I committed a series of frauds netting £7.8m, then (a) I wouldn't be allowed to keep some of it; and (b) I'd go to prison. So why is Michael Grade still at liberty?
Steve, Newcastle

You are trying to stealthily sneak the caption competition back in via this ludicrous "if it were back" nonsense and, remembering the real McCoy used to be troubled by the odd technical issue, you dive in this week with an image full of gremlins... it will all end in tears.
Christian Cook, Epsom, UK

If the caption competition were back, I might suggest "Typical, you wait all day for one IT technician and then four of them turn up". But as it's not, I won't.
DS, Croydon, England

Hmm. If the Caption Comp were back, I'd be obliged to send in "No, damn you, I ordered five Gremlins. Stupid eBay!" But alas, the Caption Comp is not back, so I guess my entry would have to wait for another time.
CZ, Uxbridge

If I were to enter your Caption Competition, I'd win it 100% of the time. So, for that reason, I'm in. (If it were back, of course).
John, Sevenoaks

Were the caption contest not a contest, I may suggest (in an entirely uncompetitive manner) that since the closure of the Lord of the Rings musical, the orcs had been attempting to establish themselves in the business world.
Louise, Surrey

Does anyone else think it strange that ? I'm trying to imagine what one can possibly do standing up for entire evening; Suggestions on a postcard please...
Chris, Exeter

what are the Biblical attributes of a virtuous woman
petrushova@mail.com, US
songs for mothers and son dance at a wedding
veronica77@mail.ru, US
jeep auto parts
Noma-pl@HotSheet.com, Japan
Monitor note: Sorry, some of our avalanche of spam just snuck in there...

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Peter Jones, of Dragon's Den, runs into a spot of bother with IT gremlins.

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A service highlighting the riche of the daily press.

There's a collective gasp from the papers over the story of the man who opened fire in public before being killed in a shoot out with police... but it's more to do with the financial/professional status of the people involved than the dreadful episode itself.

"Last poignant message of siege gunman shot dead by police in his £2million flat" - Daily Mail

"Crazed shooter was top barrister" - the Sun

"What drove a £500,000 a year lawyer to engage in shootout to the death with police" - Daily Express

"How did our Oxford-educated son come to die in a gun-siege?" - the Daily Telegraph

The Daily Mail offers a slightly bizarre insight into the domestic set-up of the gunman and his wife, which reads thus: "Friends were surprised when they became an item. Both were Oxford graduates, but Mr Saunders was a public school-educated shooting enthusiast while his wife was a printer's daughter who went to a comprehensive and was said to have Left-wing views."

Back at the Sun, there's a tortuous pun on the Amy Winehouse getting nicked story - "They told me to go down the cop shop then said... ELLO ELLO ELLO". And what police station did the stick-thin chanteuse have to attend? Limehouse. Sadly, there's no Winehouse-Limehouse word-play, even in the picture caption.

To conclude, a piece about the weather courtesy of the Daily Express... and a question. Why, when papers illustrate stories about glorious weather, do they always end up on Brighton beach? Ok, it's a rhetorical question - the answer being because, it being a beach, there's lots of bare flesh, and Brighton is also known as "London-on-Sea". But the picture is maddeningly always the same - with the pier in the background. Come on picture editors. Time to be a little more creative in choosing a venue.

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"Edinburgh isn't what it was" - Alan Sugar's sidekick Margaret Mountford rues the decline in higher education.

Look away now those who missed Wednesday night's episode of ´óÏó´«Ã½ One's The Apprentice, and anyone recently rejected by Edinburgh University. In a three-way discussion about the fate of a cadidate, one of Sir Alan Sugar's henchmen, Nick Hewer, is aghast at the subject's ignorance, noting that he had studied Classics at Edinburgh. With an almost stage-like sigh, Hewer's cohort, Margaret Mountford, issues this damning assessment of how high education standards have slumped.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Yesterday there was a mixed response to the question journalists have been asking themselves: do we now have to treat Boris seriously or can we still get away with treating him like a clown? Today, even the Daily Mirror has dropped its gadzooks-style speech bubbles.

Today's action, Boris-wise, is in the Daily Telegraph. "Has the time now come when it's cool to be posh?" it asks. "Despite the best efforts of his rivals to lampoon him as an Old Etonian buffoon, Boris Johnson's election to Mayor of London marks a cultural shift," it answers.

There's more than a whiff of wishful thinking about the exercise, it seems to Paper Monitor, but the article does include the gems that David Cameron's wife, though posh, "has a dolphin tattoo and grew up near Scunthorpe - although in a bit of 'near Scunthorpe' that has been in the family since 1590".

Journalist Toby Young tells the paper that he doesn't, despite Boris's election, think we will see the return of the young fogey. "Imagine everyone trying to ape Boris. How post-modern: people pretending to be a man who is pretending to be posh."

Ahh, there's the rub. The paper confesses that Boris isn't actually posh at all. "His dad was an MEP, after all."

The horror!

IN OTHER NEWS: Gwyneth Paltrow wore another pair of high heels, the Telegraph also tells us, leading to sales of such shoes soaring. Selfridges in Oxford Street has seen a 35% rise in the past two weeks. Yes, it might seem not a very big sample for a national newspaper to be basing a story on, but it has sold 200 pairs. Obviously there are massive implications for the world of fashion and manufacturing, indeed the entire economy. One can only hope that our colleague Robert Peston has been alerted.

IN MORE OTHER NEWS: Posh Spice went to a "superheroes" party where lots of ladies wore dresses. But she ended up looking like the Ice Queen (Mirror), Cruella de Vil (Metro), Audrey Roberts (Daily Star) or Scary Spice (Sun). Or, ploughing its own furrow, "classy... A-list" (Daily Express).

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"Gangsters and Radio 4" - how Pete Doherty characterises prison on his release from Wormwood Scrubs .

What a deliciously evocative description from the Babyshambles lyricist who name-checks Baudelaire as an inspiration. Apt, too, that another of his heroes is Oscar Wilde, who penned The Ballad of Reading Gaol after his own stint behind bars, a tale in which a condemned man wistfully eyes the "little tent of blue/which prisoners call the sky".

Doherty is now at liberty after serving 29 days of a 14-week sentence for breaching his probation order - imposed for possession of an assortment of addictive substances and for driving offences.

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Re , My family are border Scots and our problem is finding ancestors who have not been guilty of murder, arson, cattle rustling, kidnap, extortion etc. The past is a different country.
Iain Johnston, London

To Iain, in Romford (Letters, Monday): As almost the same age as you, and having a similar upbringing, I'm very worried that you've prematurely allowed us to say "..it was like that in my day" We're not that old yet!
Edward S, Hong Kong SAR

Darren, London, (Letters, Monday) in defence of PM: Have lived in London, central and outer for two years. Only found out last week there are nine zones. The average tube map still shows six. Presumably you only know about zones 7-9 if you live so far out of London you don't actually live in London - seeing as Orpington which is in Kent and only just inside the M25 is zone six.
Kay, London

The expert quoted in your story on states that woman are "innately less aggressive, whether by nature or nurture". Sorry to be pedantic, but if we are innately less aggressive this must, by definition, be due to nature not nurture.
Sarah, Farnham, Surrey

Spotted on Southwark Bridge this morning - someone in an "I am Stig" T-Shirt
Abby, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

With Boris Johnson starting his new job, the newspapers have a dilemma.

On the one hand, here is an opportunity for a four-year-long News Carnival. (What's a News Carnival? .)
From here until 2012, the possibility of unalloyed newspaper joy over the comedian Boris Johnson doing crazy things, saying weird stuff in Latin and Greek and Beano-ese, tripping up, being delightfully self-depracating. What's not to celebrate in that?

On the other hand, here is an opportunity to take a man at his word, acknowledge that he is a serious operator with big ideas and energy and a lively programme of policies, and by doing so, show that the media can despite expectations play a responsible part in engaging the electorate with its democratic duties.

Hmmm.... decisions, decisions... What's it to be??

Plumping for the serious, we have the Telegraph, the Express, and the Sun, which plays it absolutely straight: "New London Mayor Boris Johnson yesterday threw his weight behind the capital's first-ever children's supremo."

Going for the comic, we have the Independent which has a picture of Boris on the phone at his desk and the caption: "Hello, is that the IT department? I can't get this thing to work, can you give a chap some advice?" And the Mirror, which has a speech bubble saying: "Cripes! I haven't done any prep. Still, I'm excused shorts and I get free tuck! Spiffo!"

So the early indication seems to be that party lines seem to be holding firm. The Right is treating him as a statesman, the Left as a buffoon. Will the lines hold? If only there was a daily internet-based newspaper digest which could be trusted to keep tabs on this vital issue on behalf of its loyal readership.

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If it's early May then the Dutch fields are full of tulips, with more than three billion planted every year.

The first tulips are thought to have been cultivated in Asia by the Turks, about a thousands years ago, then introduced in Western Europe and the Netherlands in the 17th century.

They have become such a national treasure that the Dutch are planning to build an island the shape of a tulip bulb

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"Cliff, you won that darn thing after all" - what Sir Cliff Richard would like the organisers of the 1968 Eurovision song contest to say to him.

Veteran chart-topper Sir Cliff is looking for delayed justice after allegations emerged that only influence-peddling robbed him of victory in the 1968 Eurovision contest. His Congratulations was pipped by Massiel's La La La, the Spanish entry, and it has been revealed that General Franco allegedly attempted to influence the course of the competition, with Spanish TV executives concluding suspect deals all over Europe to get votes.

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Re Never once when drunk have I started a fight, caused trouble or been nasty. Why? I had a poor but very fair upbringing. Easy to follow rules, and there was the cane at school. Sorry to sound so harsh, but looking around at Romford at night - good god. Thirteen-year-old girls pregnant, boozed out of their skulls, gangs of blokes fighting over "yards". Why don't the parents care? There is always a cause, for this effect. I was bored rigid at times as a kid - you know what I did? Read a book, taught myself the guitar, drew - I didn't ever feel the urge to sit on a wall. Obviously thrilling, maybe now at 35, I may enjoy a midlife crisis and start joining my mates at the local wall.
Iain, Romford

How to tell which biscuits are best - can you eat a whole packet without realising? You can with fig rolls and malted milks because you always want more. Whereas , you only ever want a few. British biscuits are the best!
Laurence, St Albans

Bourbon biscuits. Miles better than Oreos. Fact. And if you want to dunk, then Ginger Nuts are the way forward.
Dave, Gillingham

I've been dunking Oreo's into milk for years, try it you'll like it. The British biscuit is equally as good giving it the same treatment.
Walt W, El Segundo, California

Complaining that an Oreo doesn't go well with tea is like complaining that curry doesn't go well in a pie. It is what it is, all onto its own. Besides, Britain has accepted McDonalds, Coca Cola, Starbucks and Friends. What difference does one biscuit really make now?
Tavis, East Molesey, England

I lived in Moscow last year and it isn't as . Yes, hotel rooms are a problem. But there are cheap places to eat and drink and the metro costs next to nothing (especially if you compare it to the extortionate London Underground). The trick is to go into places where you see the average local going, especially for food. Look for hostels or find a host family on flatmates.ru, where many people are willing to host tourists for a night or two for mere pennies in comparison to the Ritz. It is expensive in the ways cities are, but if you are willing to shop around and learn some Russian phrases it will make life much easier (and cheaper).
Vicky, Exeter, UK

You can easily pay £4 a pint in Moscow. Many fairly normal bars charge six! Yes you can get it cheaper in a locals bar; but they will make you feel very unwelcome.
Andy Smith, Almaty

If you want to fly to Moscow to watch a football game, which is nothing more than 22 millionaires chasing a ball, suits you right if you have to pay a high price for this.
Pete Nolan, London

Re 10 things, aren't those Lego people not Playmobil?
And just read this line at the end of : "But with demand very strong, alcohol's poisonous grip is leading many Australians down a self-destructive path littered with injury and illness." Are you employing poets to write articles now?
Nich Hill, Portsmouth
The Monitor: This article also features the Everywhere Girl mentioned in Friday's Paper Monitor. Who is she?

Re . Must have misunderstood the advert "P-P-P Pick Up A Penguin".
Jon, Washington DC

Further clues to Paper Monitor's identity: Never reads a Tube map so must live in central London. Since November 2007 when TfL took over Silverlink Metro trains, the Travelcard zones have been numbered 1-9.
Darren, London

To MCK of Coventry (Friday Letters) who types wonderfully observed missives then accidentally deletes them - I think the phenomenon you've experienced is known as a "clearsend".
David, Jerusalem

Just thought I'd send you a letter before they're published. I live in the US now, so I always miss the publication time... but not today.
Rikki, Virginia, US

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Not so much riches on a Bank Holiday Monday as slim pickings. With all three - count 'em - newsagents en route to the station closed (and no Metro today), there was no newspaper to while away the commute... not even a leftover Sunday supplement lying creased on the seats.

The situation was no less serious on arrival at Monitor Towers, with the in-house paper shop closed and only the barest of bones delivered to the office. Hey ho, with fewer papers than usual to browse, perhaps Paper Monitor will have time to join the throngs at the local beach. Or park. Perhaps pub. Or hop a cheap flight.

Fortunately, Team Telegraph is on hand with tips on how shape up and dress right for the all-too-brief respite from work.

"HEALTH: Unleash your inner caveman" exhorts one tagline on the front page. "FASHION: Sailor chic - ageless, flattering and easy to wear," reads another.

Alongside the fashion shoot pics are the requisite photos of celebs getting it oh-so-right (Kate Moss, of course) and dreadfully wrong (Paris Hilton, ditto) and a list of dos and don'ts such as "Never wear a gilt braided admiral's cap - even in jest." Dang. That'll necessitate a trip home to repack before hopping that flight to the Costas.

Still, at least Paper Monitor doesn't have to trek to the far reaches of the Metropolitan Line, where Tube zones no longer have numbers but letters and the villages have duck ponds and bluebell walks. Yeah, thank goodness, eh?

But the paper is much taken with the quaintly pretty hamlets in this stockbroker belt just outside the M25, and no doubt many a Telegraph reader will be able to pick out their own roof in one of the many pics that accompany the page three story about how the area offers the UK's best rural idyll.

But think of the neighbours. Vernon Kay. Cilla Black. Mike Oldfield. Tubular Bells with the bass cranked up, anyone?

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"The tea position would be very serious with a loss of 75 percent of stocks" - the issue that troubled civil servants in the 1950s - ensuring there would be enough tea in the event of a Soviet nuclear attack.

A secret government report from 1955, just released by the National Archives, outlines what officials "assumed" would happen in the first two weeks of a nuclear war.

As well as putting the death toll at five million, they feared that the attack would decimate tea stocks and imports would be delayed. "It would be wrong to consider that even 1oz per head per week (enough for about 12 cups) could be ensured." Oh, and 10 million people would be injured or affected by nuclear fall-out. Time to put the kettle on.

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