´óÏó´«Ã½

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Moby is related to novelist Herman Melville and was named after his most famous creation.

2. Golf can damage hearing.

3. The average age of MI5 staff is 40.

4. Three billion e-mails are sent in the UK daily.

5. Mosquitoes mate in about 10 seconds.

6. Internet use peaks in the UK between 5pm and 6pm on Sundays.

7. Tasmanian devils are being killed off by cancer.

8. You can hiccup while asleep.

9. Montenegro has the euro despite not being in the EU.

10. Printing more money to increase the supply is known as quantitative easing .

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Sarah Henderson for this week's picture of 10 geese.

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Now what I call a misleading headline!
Stuart, Croydon

reminds me of when I crashed my car on a bridge; below it rained Datsun cogs.
Judy Cabbages, Peebles, Scotland

Re Quote of the Day: Now that's what I call a transplant rejection. At the divorce proceedings, she could cite the fact that he was permanently "taking the urine" out of her.
Welsh Doug, Caerphilly, South Wales

Little green men hit a wind turbine, and the CC is cancelled due to gremlins. Is there a connection? Readers want to know.
Candace, New Jersey, US
Monitor: Something far more prosaic we fear

"Re Szczecin, anyone?" (Thursday's letters) I suggest the ´óÏó´«Ã½ Pronunciation Unit works on good old UK resorts like Westward Ho! Does one say it westward HO!!! or westWARD ho... then there's Fowey, Mousehole and, my personal favourite, Happisburgh. (You say it Haysbrur).
Andi, Rutland, England

To Nik in Aylesbury - it's pronounced Stettin. I've been there. Save yourself the trip, it's rubbish.
arbi, pontoise, france

Oh dear...
Basil Long, Nottingham

Given that no-one knows who changed the sign in : "Sign proclaims love from rooftop", how do we know it wasn't a Juliet rather than a Romeo?
PS, Newcastle, England

Mike (Thursday's letters), some of us are lucky enough to be born with an inbuilt sense of where to find a good restaurant (known in my family as restaurant radar). Perhaps it's just the technical extrapolation of that, just like the helicopter is the technical extrapolation of certain insects' flight.
Rowan Morgan-Odell, Hastings, UK

Restaurant finding on an iPhone: If you ask my husband's iPhone for our nearest coffee place to home, it names a cafe, which is 2km away, but the iPhone can't work out that this is 2km through bush and at least 500m is near vertical: it's on top of a local lookout place which you reach by car from the other side. We are not (yet?) that desperate for cappuccinos that we need to bush-bash with hiking boots (and the cafe has a dress code anyway).
Susan, Brisbane, Australia

Re Mikes letter about restaurant finding misery. Earlier this year I was out with friends in Southampton trying to find a particular restaurant. We walked up and down the street it was supposed to be on, couldn't be found. I even resorted to getting the laptop out and searching for it. Found the address, when we got there we discovered it had closed six months previously. Something I don't think even this technology would be able to help with.
Tom, South London

Re , "Bentley was sentenced to three years in prison, Goodwin four years and Mockford and Welford were jailed for five years... Bentley and Goodwin were disqualified from driving for three years and Mockford and Welford were disqualified for five years each." I haven't been there myself so I can't speak from experience, but is it really much of an inconvenience to have your driving licence suspended while you're in prison?
Angus Gafraidh, London UK

Re Thursday's PM, I don't think there's anything wrong with calling someone "near-autistic". I've known a couple of psychiatrists who have described people in this way, to (very) basically mean that they can be highly socially awkward but exceptional at looking at and remembering the details of a problem. It is called autistic spectrum disorder after all - it's not a digital disease (either you have it or you don't). We're all somewhere on the spectrum...
The Bob, Glasgow

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Ah, isn't "probably" a word rich in promise? An adroit newspaper sub-editor can sprinkle it like fairy dust and transform even a humble nib - short for "news in brief" - into a tastebud-tickling amuse bouche.

The Times deploys this fairy-dust to great effect with the headline "Aliens probably not to blame for mangled turbine".

Is your mouth watering? Is it? Rarely does interesting-thing-didn't-happen make the newspapers, but when interesting-thing-didn't-happen involves a damaged wind turbine, the weather, and unexplained lights in the sky, then it does.

Those playful scamps at the Sun may go all out with headlines such as "Close encounters of the turbine" today and yesterday's "UFO hits wind turbine", but for a serious paper of record such as the Times, the word "probably" is needed to green-light such silliness.

The Daily Telegraph deplys a question mark to similar effect: "Lights in the sky and a broken wind turbine: evidence of little green men?"

Speaking of Sun staffers, they really are in a cheeky mood. After the Guardian's Emily Bell, director of digital content, blogged that the lights seen near the turbine were actually fireworks from her father's 80th birthday, the red-top today branded her theory ridiculous.

And how, quoting her as "Emily Bell - a local blogger for a small newspaper group..."

Paper Monitor shouldn't laugh. Or at least not quite so heartily.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"In theory we are asking for the return of the kidney. Of course, he wouldn't really ask for that, but the value of it" - Lawyer for a US surgeon, who donated a kidney to his wife who is divorcing him.

OK there's bitter divorces and then there's bitter divorces. Richard Batista has cause to be a little aggrieved that his wife is now divorcing him. He donated one of his kidneys to her in 2001 and she started divorce proceedings in 2005.

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I don't suppose Ronaldo's colleagues will let him take any free kicks for a bit in case he again.
Ed, Clacton, UK

Re ? Perhaps the ´óÏó´«Ã½ Pronunciation Unit could offer advice on some of the lesser know holiday resorts we may wish to look out for this year? At least then I'll be able to pronounce the places I can't afford to visit.
Nik Edwards, Aylesbury

Your handy safety tip "" could have been even more useful if it had been placed before your handy tip on how to open the computer case.
Adam, London, UK

Re Catherine L's letter (Wednesday) - women are allowed to be Morris Dancers. I know because I am both a woman and a Morris Dancer. Furthermore, I dance with an all-woman side. We dance NW Clog Morris, which according to Wikipedia "has always featured mixed and female sides".
Helen, Cambridge, UK

I love the way this figure is just tossed out in the without any explaination: "To hit two of the blades, any object must have been about 170ft long." He's truly a UFO expert if he can tell us not only that it was a UFO, but also what speed it was travelling at, and in what direction, in order to be able to extrapolate the size.
Neil, London

Sorry Geoffrey (Wednesday letters ) but although you were right about "age" being masculine, the other examples you gave are all feminine.
Tommy Scragend, Wigan

Why is it every time a new bit of technology comes along, an example given for how it will transform our lives is ? Would it be opening the floodgates to ask readers to submit their tragic tales of restaurant-finding misery?
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Does anyone talk about KP Nuts anymore? Paper Monitor asks because it's how the Daily Mirror has decided to bill the Kevin Pietersen bust-up on its front page. A quick check of the inter-connective webular computer system reveals that the KP brand of bar snacks hasn't joined the likes of Woolworths in the "where are they now?" category, but somehow it feels like a very dated reference.

Pietersen's shoot-from-the-hip style of captaincy comes in for a lot of discussion in the pages of today's press, perhaps not as measured as it should be. What are the ethics, for example, of referring to a headstrong maverick as being "near-autistic"? Paper Monitor asks because that's how the Times' Simon Barnes - someone who has written movingly about his son who has Down's syndrome - chooses to classify the now ex-England cricket captain.

Meanwhile, the war against the eco-light bulb has stepped up a gear in the Daily Mail, which has secured a "brand new stock of 100W incandescent bulbs" and is offering five free to every reader. But doesn't this rather confuse the Mail's much touted "save the planet from eco disaster strategy"... after all this was the paper which fired the opening salvos in what came to be the war on plastic bags.

Now, who remembers the $100 Laptop - the notebook computer designed for the developing world that went on the shelves for substantially more than its moniker might have suggested?

The Daily Telegraph seems to have taken similar inspiration in this headline: "The £99 laptop is heading for the high street".

M&S and Next, it says, are considering stocking them. But before all you recessionistas get too exited, be advised to read the "small print", aka the story itself. "It's understood Next and M&S will probably take a more expensive model, closer to £200."

So much for deflation.

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Due to technical problems, we are sorry to say that this week's Caption Competition has been cancelled.

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"It's embarrassing, it has made me a source of ridicule" - Ireland's bog-snorkelling champion after being depicted as a mud-wrestler

For all those who thought bog-snorkelling was a ridiculous sport, Julia Galvin begs to differ. The 38-year-old Irish bog-snorkelling champion, who competes in other unusual sports such as wife carrying, has said she was "disgusted, appalled and shocked" after a TV show used a lookalike in a lesbian mud-wrestling sketch.

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Which household gadget celebrates its 40th anniversary this month ()? Well, if he got married in January 1969, it's the husband.
Diane, Sutton

Today's Quote of the Day reminds me of a Gina Yashere gag. After complaining to her mother about her lack of a boyfriend, Gina's mother replies, "Don't worry, men are like buses: none come along for ages and then they're rubbish."
Luke L, London, UK

Rick P (Tuesday's letters), I'd imagine that a breeding pair of Morris dancers would be quite difficult to find. My understanding is that only men are allowed to be Morris dancers??
Catherine L, Glasgow

Re : Sometimes you need to go a long way to beat juvenile humour.
Steve Norris, Eastleigh, Jonkoping, Pennsylvania

The caption writer of obviously got a little bored by the time he got to caption nine. Good work!
The Bob, Glasgow

It's my birthday today and so for the first time ever I decided to do that bringing cake to the office thing to find out why people do it. I still don't understand. I have to pay for my own birthday cake and I don't even like cake. What *should* I have got out of doing this?
Chris Clarke, Oxford

Why Paper Monitor, what a beautiful singing voice you have.
Bala Bear, Queensland, Australia

Tut tut, Paper Monitor - "une certain age"? Well, "age" (even though you omit the circumflex) is masculine, so "certain" at least was correct, "une" however was not. I distinctly remember the voice of my French teacher 50 years ago listing the "-age" nouns which are masculine: rage, nage, age, cage, plage, image...
Geoffrey, Rome, Italy
Monitor note: Disciplinary proceedings have been launched.

Who is this Dennis Junior who often appears to open the comments on many Magazine Monitor sections? Is this to test the system, to give instruction or merely an insomniac or shift worker eager to give his, always pertinent, two-pennies-worth?
Adam, Manchester

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

What's this?

There is no woman of une certain age gracing the front page of the Daily Mail. Not one. Whither Dame Helen Mirren in swimwear, Liz Hurley in a low-cut dress, Ulrika-ka-ka or Camilla laughing next to a horse? For all are Mail's poster women/whipping girls for having it all (but not too much, mind).

All have been ousted in favour of another icon that is elegant, hard-working but ultimately starting to show its age, and anxiously eyeing younger models. Yes, it's a big picture of an incandescent bulb. Bayonet variety.

The headline bellows: "THE GREAT LIGHTBULB REVOLT. Robbed of the right to buy traditional lightbulbs, millions are clearing shelves of the last supplies."

Sounds familiar. .

But it's business as usual over at the Daily Star. Its front page is a masterclass in avoidance - LA LA LA what credit crunch LA LA LA Hamas who LA LA LA can't hear you. The front page splashes with Chanelle set to "sex up" the Celebrity Big Brother House. Chanelle. Which one's she? A Page Three girl? A former BB housemate? Wait, got it - she's both. Right?

And perhaps Paper Monitor is showing its age, but the Financial Times headline "Darling in new alert of depth of recession" has something of a Blackadder effect.

Does the Chancellor have a similar relationship to his surname as Captain Darling, the devious, clever assistant to General Melchett, who was so named for comedic effect and twitched every time he was so called?

Or are Paper Monitor's musings simply its own version of LA LA LA great black clouds, what great black clouds LA LA LA?

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"You wait ages for an atheist bus, then 800 come along at once" - Ariane Sherine, the woman behind the atheist bus adverts

The campaign to raise funds to put adverts on buses bearing the legend "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life" was launched in October. Now 200 buses will be taking to the streets in London, with 600 more around the rest of the country.

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Apparently another council is hosting a talk on pelicans - which will presumably mean some more huge bills.
Edward Green, London, UK

So nominative determinism hits (or should it be the other way round)? No surprise though that the Ping should be the loudest.
Graham, Purmerend, Netherlands

I'm still here! Has the New Year depression finally caught up with Monitor? Has the letter's post followed Woollies and Whittards into administration? Will our letters be restricted to Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other Friday? Help!
Rachel, London
Monitor note: Apologies. Due to some pesky technical gremlins yesterday's letters finally appeared this morning.

As one of the left (I'm 21), I think I deserve endangered species status. My habitat (the pub) and a breeding pair found with all haste.
Rick P, Cambridge, UK

Re: Broken Wedgwood. What a Waterford world it won't be.
Candace, New Jersey, US

"." Does this mean that they're going to give it back when they've finished with it? And, more confusingly, what title is the novel currently using while the band have borrowed its name?
Rob, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Now is no time for punning.

Punning is for stories of animals that seem to think they are other animals. Punning is for surveys about the sex habits of the British.

Punning is not for stories about people losing their jobs.

So the Daily Mirror headline "BROKEN WEDGWOOD SHATTERS 2,700 JOBS" is a bit naughty. Did you see what they did there? Do you get it? DO YOU GEDDIT?

A hat is subtly tipped, though, for their recognition of the (kiddie sweethearts from Germany who set off with plans to get married in Africa).

The paper fills page 15 with the charming story. It's a long way from the Daily Express which regards it as a bit of mere "grouting" (a couple of pars that fill the cracks between other stories).

Over in the Sun, council shenanigans are the order of the day. The paper is so excited about the idea of councillors going off on one that it has a lead on page six and a lead on page 27. The first one is headlined "PEN-PUSHERS ON £2k 'DIVERSITY' JUNKETS". Taxpayers must foot a "huge bill". The second story is "TOWN HALL'S £10K ON 'PIGEON AWARENESS'". There is a "huge bill" to talk about birds.

Who will stop the madness?

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"A trainspotter's rucksack has corned beef sandwiches and custard creams, nothing more sinister" - Trainspotter John Martin reacts to police anti-terror searches.

Rail enthusiasts are protesting at the number of people who have been stopped on platforms with their cameras and notebooks. British Transport Police figures show that between October 2007 and September 2008 almost 160,000 people were questioned by police.

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RE: What fascinating insights will the Prince's Trust tell us next? That youngsters are generally "shorter"? Youngsters have less "experience"? Good to see how our charity money is being spent in these thrifty times.
Robert Phillips, Cardiff, UK

"". Did this headline give anyone else an image of strange shrunken heads being revived by some Frankenstinian process for their 60th deathday?
M Ross, Lancaster, UK

is nominative determinism; except that it's the wrong sort of problem on the line.
David, Romford

I don't know if any other Swedish speaker has commented on this, but the word Hoj (pronounced Hoy) is the Swedish slang word for bicycle. Congratulations to Sir Chris Hoy.
Vic Howard, Helsingborg, Sweden

""? Really? I'm in a church choir, and you could have fooled me... (Okay, the words may be in Greek or Latin, but still.)
Susannah, Northampton

Am I the only one who finds the reference to sons in paragraph seven in a little disturbing?

Tim H, Southport, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

New Year felicitations seem to be thin on the ground among those charged with balancing the books at the Times.

Just when Britain is waking up to the hangover of its post-Christmas credit card bill, the paper's bean counters have slapped another 10p on the masthead price. It means that for the first time in Paper Monitor's extensive, though admittedly not faultless memory, the Times no longer holds the mantle of the budget broadsheet - a title that, for the moment at least, is claimed by the 80p Guardian.

The Times' hike puts the paper on level price pegging with the Daily Telegraph, although loyal readers of the latter may be a tad miffed to know that at least some of their outlay may have found its way into the hands of Somali warlords.

Paper Monitor is of course referring to the welcome release of the Sunday Telegraph's chief foreign correspondent, and his accompanying photographer, from the clutches of Somali gunmen.

The Telegraph manages to relate the whole story without so much as a sniff of the "R" word, but the Guardian is less coy. Local journalists, the paper reports, where the men were kidnapped, claimed a large ransom was paid. A spokesman for the Telegraph declined to comment.

Even if money did change hands, the Telegraph at least, is getting bang for its buck - with a front-page piece by the released captive himself.

And the paper's faithful readers will find their hearts warmed by this Rupert Brooke-ish moment in the report of their kidnapped man's time in captivity.

"On Christmas Day he... managed to listen to a crackly carol service broadcast from India."

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"I thought someone was playing a joke when the incident report 'Horse in Cinema' was sent to me" - Tim Hamlyn, spokesman for cinema infiltrated by horse

Any patrons passing through the lobby of the Cineworld in Boldon, Tyne and Wear, would have been rather surprised to see a horse loitering near the popcorn. The animal had escaped from a farm some distance away and was apparently sent cantering through the automatic doors by a young girl blowing a raspberry at it.

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