´óÏó´«Ã½

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Tits are also known as bumbarrels.
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2. The Daily Sport website is banned in the House of Commons.

3. Teenagers don't like pink light.

4. Crabs feel pain.

5. Britons spend six months of their lives queueing.

6. A broken heart is known as Takotsubo cardiomyopathy and it can be cured.

7. Britney Spears's family comes from Tottenham in north London.

8. People like their tea to have a temperature of 56-60C.

9. Hyenas have the strongest jaws in the animal kingdom.

10. Charles Darwin loved eating vegetables.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Basil Long, and to Jon Dalladay for this week's picture of 10 Victorian rhubarb forcers in the Lost Gardens of Heligan in Cornwall.

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Having just read in which the ´óÏó´«Ã½'s David Willey talks about condoms, it struck me that there is no appropriate term for when someone's name can clearly be seen to determine their chosen topic of conversation, occupation or other aspect or their life. If anyone were to coin such a term then Magazine readers might send in their own examples, thereby giving the editors something to print on an otherwise slow letters day.
Jack, Manchester

How splendid to know we have such robust bodies as Ofqual to make sure our school exams remain of a . I particularly like their recommendation for "Tighter marking criteria to ensure that only the answers deserving of the marks are credited". Surely no-one can now make serious accusations of dumbing down?
Adam, London, UK

With regards to today's Paper Monitor, I didn't read the caption as stating that the image contained Banksy, rather that it is Banksy who produced the graffiti - as you confirm. More cynic-worthy I think is the fact that the Telegraph believes something painted a year ago is criticising a service launched just last week.
Aaron, Reading, UK

Re . "Food tube"? FOOD TUBE?! *shakes head very sadly*
Tom K Hawkey, Nottingham, UK

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week, the UK basked in an all-too-short burst of balmy weather before spring sprung its usual trick and reverted to wind and rain. But what's being said?

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. The_Bob_Glasgow
"I'm saving this for my cash bonus..."

5. carbon_paper
"You're pretty uptight for an invisible girl."

4. SteeleHawker
Alton Towers just didn't have the same buzz since they'd opened their "Last of the Summer Wine" rides.

3. rogueslr
Brian's Twitter feed was one of the dullest on the net.

2. Lloyd-Barnes
Another MP caught abusing his second chair allowance.

1. haggis1876
Since the end of the Cold War, the exchange of attache cases had ground to a halt. Ivan wasn't complaining.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

More GoogleStreetViewBalls for you today.

Our latest dose of spurious linkage to the new service comes in the Daily Mail under the headline: "GOOGLE MILITANTS AIMING THEIR HATRED AT THE CITY".

Surely "Google militants" should be violent radicals who spend their time menacing people that espouse the virtues of Live Search or Ask?

But this story is about anti-G20 militants who plan to use "Google Streetview" and "Twitter" to "cause mayhem" at the summit (paragraph one). The protesters readily admit they will use the internet to help them organise (paragraph two). Then paragraph 13 makes a reference to Facebook.

There's no explanation anywhere in the rest of the piece. Obviously, the suggestion that subs and editors just throw a few internet buzz words into a piece - to make it a bit 21st Century - is wholly false.

Moving on, the Daily Telegraph is one of many media outlets to run "" from Google Street View, including the image above left with the caption: "A graffiti artist, believed to be Banksy, lets us all know what he thinks of Google Street View in London."

Wrong. The whole thing - slogan and graffitti artist - is an anti-CCTV mural Banksy painted in , pictured above right, and executed under cover of darkness with the aid of a three-storey structure of scaffolding and polythene sheeting.

So sorry, Telegraph, that is most definitely not Banksy caught in the act of protesting against Google Street View.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"It's all right to see someone have their eyes gouged out but it's not right to see an old man with his trousers down" - Sir Ian McKellen laments the censorship of a US television broadcast of his rendition of King Lear.

What's more offensive - violence or nudity, asks Sir Ian, exasperated by what he sees as heavy-handed editing by US broadcaster PBS. There was just one cut to its transmission on Wednesday night, and it wasn't Gloucester having his eyes removed.

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Re : the HIV information service warns against a knee-jerk reaction to the news that circumcision can lower STD rates. Surely a knee-jerk reaction could do that too?
Clare, Aylesbury

Couldn't fail to notice that at 1550 GMT the top two "shared stories" were and . Is one a solution to the other? It might only reduce it to a 58ft appendage, but every little helps.
Simon, Colchester, UK

Re today's daily mini-question: I was somewhat surprised to find out that the correct answer to the birthday celebration was "Cocks" before realising it had given me the answer to yesterday's DMQ.
Mark, Southampton
Monitor note: We had an infestation of Technical Gremlins. But not the same ones as last week.

Who wants to bet that, in regards to David Jason making a possibly , one of the tabloids is going to run with the headline "YOU PLONKER" on Friday?
Mark Ivey, Hartlepool, UK

What's that: a Mr Leakey commenting on the ? You'll be telling me a Mr Pinocchio is on the emergency repairs team next.
Basil Long, Nottingham

"Ah this is the life... sunshine, deckchair and hefty pension... what do you think Fred?... Fred...?"
John, Coventry
Monitor note: If we've told you once where to send captions, we've told you a thousand times. Open the hatch and down it goes...

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A service highlighting the riches of the press.

For a lowly television reviewer, watching episode one of The Apprentice must feel like Christmas.

The Guardian deems it a cultural event worthy of its front page, although Nancy Banks-Smith rather blows her rare stint in the spotlight with an uncharacteristically prosaic summary of round one.

There's more to savour for Apprentice fans from the Daily Mail's Paul Connolly, who finds himself in his usual back row seat, page 25.

He deliciously describes sidekick Nick Hewer as "Sir Alan's representative on Earth" and loudmouth estate agent Philip Taylor as resembling footballer "John Terry with a GCSE".

The Independent devotes the whole of page three to the show, but Tom Sutcliffe is distinctly unimpressed with the heavily scripted "jokes" from the scowling ex-Amstrad boss.

And, in common with today's , Sutcliffe imagines Sir Alan giving the contestants an off-camera task to "come up with sentence that makes you look like the biggest [twit] in creation".

And it's all for what, asks the Times - last year's winner is working in the "digital signage business".

The Daily Telegraph already deployed its nuclear option on Wednesday, with a column by Suralan's other Earthling, Margaret Mountford, in which she described this intake as "quite an able bunch". Hard to believe, having watched one team wash cars with the windows open... But she does drop an insider's tip - keep watch on the fish in the penthouse aquarium.

Hewer is signed up to commentate for the Daily Mirror (who just isn't the same when you can't watch his eyebrow hoist incredulously upwards), and last year's loser, Michael "I'm a good Jewish boy but what does kosher mean?" Sophocles writes for the Sun.

And the latest pop reunion provides lots of fun for headline-writers:

"IT'S TRUE... 80s IDOLS SPANDAU BALLET REUNITE" (Daily Express)

"SPANDAU BELLY" (Daily Mail)

"WE'RE TOP GUNS" (Star)

"IT'S TRUE!" (Mirror)

"THESE NEW WIDESCREEN TELLIES ARE A NIGHTMARE FOR BIG BLOKES LIKE ME" (Sun)

Come again?

Anyway, if you like these, you may like our . Where else might the Smiths and S Club 7 share page space?

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Apologies for the technical problems in displaying the answers to today's Daily Mini-Quiz.

We're glad to say it's back up and running again.

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"He wanted to have dinner but our diaries didn't quite match" - Simon Cowell on trying to fit in President Barack Obama.

While world leaders continue to scramble for "facetime" with Mr Obama, it's an indication of just how high Mr Cowell's profile is that:
a) the most powerful man on the planet wants to meet him, and
b) he has too many important appointments to fit him in

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"There are 75 percent fewer Cocks than in the first census in 1881" (). Must...resist...bad...joke...phew! that was close.
ScubaSteve, Lincs

I've already seen a lot of tits this year - I think my first were a pair of blue tits toward the end of January but I'm starting to see a lot more now the mornings are lighter and I can get dressed with my curtains open (Paper Monitor).
Basil Long, Nottingham

And you learn something new every day - apparently tits are also called bumbarrels. I kid you not.
Maggie, London

"Phnarr, phnarr" (Paper Monitor)? Come now, surely it's spelt "fnar"? Does anyone have a dictionary of sufficient whimsy to be able to clarify? Mind you, I've always preferred to spell "phaph" that way against the advice of my own sage tome, and primarily for my own amusement.
Ashley Pearson, Hull

I'm very pleased to see the story. We've not had one of these stories for far too long. My opinion of the British standard of driving was almost getting a bit higher there for a minute, but is now restored.
John Bratby, Southampton

. All-noun headline of the day?
Rob, Worcester, UK

Why are you renaming the Shire counties the Sheer counties? Today on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4's You and Yours we heard all about Chesheer, and here where I live, the local radio station is Herefordsheer and Worcestersheer. ´óÏó´«Ã½ local TV is just as bad. It's driving me nuts. Please bring back Cheshuh, Herefordshuh and Worcestershuh and all the rest.
Alice Osmond, Worcestershire

Gatz (Tuesday's letters), the Thai Spidey story ends with the line: "Mr Somchai normally uses the costume to liven up fire drills in schools." Answer your question?
Dean, Exeter

Kat, Oxford (Tuesday's letters) - I have adopted two children and if their faces were accidentally not blurred then their safety would be at risk. What do you suggest - I keep them indoors? This is all a bit too Big Brother a la George Orwell's 1984 for me.
SarahKay, Staffs, UK

For what it's worth, I think Google street view is much more fun than privacy.
Eachan, Oxford, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Stories about things spotted on Google Street View are rapidly becoming a whole new sub-genre of journalism.

Take today's article in the Sun, headlined: "LIAM AT BOOZER ON STREET VIEW".

It's apparently Liam Gallagher of Oasis, caught by Street View, sinking a pint. Of course, Google blurs people's faces - even statues, and photos on billboards - and the figure at The Queen's pub in Regent's Park Road, north London, is very small.

But the more accurate headline "TINY BLURRY FIGURE IN SHORTS WITH BROWN HAIR AT BOOZER ON STREET VIEW MAY OR MAY NOT BE LIAM BUT SOME OASIS FANS SAY SO AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR US" perhaps proved too long to fit on page three.

Over in the Daily Mirror, you can get more dubious Street View sightings with an image that is surely an extraterrestrial. Or it could just be a blurry white bit.

Perhaps Private Eye could start a new GoogleStreetViewBalls section.

Back in the super soaraway paper, there's a wildlife story that fits.

"Britain's gardeners will see a lot more tits this year."

That's insect-eating long-tailed tits of course. Phnarr, phnarr.

And in the Daily Telegraph is perhaps the most spurious swimsuit photo of the day. An attractive brunette is plastered across the front page, wearing nothing but a wide smile and a white bikini. No, it's not Myleene Klass, that would be gratuitous. It's television presenter Christine Kelly, Nicolas Sarkozy's latest cabinet acquisition, brought in to replace the equally comely Rachida Dati.

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"You can blame Trevor for Spandau Ballet" - Gary Kemp says anti-Apartheid clergyman Trevor Huddleston was his inspiration.

Following news of the reformation of the band, some might be looking for someone to blame. But it's fair to say that the idea that Mr Huddleston - described by Nelson Mandela as the white person who had done most for South Africa - was a big influence on the original creation of Spandau Ballet, is a surprising one.

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Re : OK, I'll bite. Why exactly did Mr Yoosabai have the costume in his locker?
Gatz, Chelmsford, UK

Re Tuesday's Paper Monitor, my place of work is currently in uproar over the tea/coffee issue. We used to have half a dozen vending machines around dispensing free tea and coffee. These have been replaced in a perfectly legitimate money-saving exercise with teabags and coffee in the kitchens. What they didn't realise was that there are two kitchens for around 250 employees, one of which can only hold one person at a time, and the other is used for some catering which means that for nearly half the time it is out of action. It should have been a good idea had there been a little more thought put into the logistics.
Basil Long, Nottingham

Are we sure isn't a submarine?
Dan, London

Classic!
Jill B, Detroit

David (Your Letters, Monday), a pledge one can make without commitment would be a "manifesto".
John, Sevenoaks

Perhaps they are committed to taxation on a certain brand of furniture polish?
Mary, Derby

Following on from Curt's suggestion (Monday's letters), could we have a "don't care" option as well?
Simon Robinson, Birmingham, UK

Has Ratan Tata (Tuesday's Quote of the Day) been taking sales tips from Swiss Tony?
Alex, Edinburgh

aren't "resting" on the deer at a country estate near Bristo, they are pulling hair out for nesting material.
Ross, Lancaster, UK

There seems to be more people complaining about Street View than ID cards - why are people complaining about their privacy when anyone who was out on the street that day could see them. If they really wanted no one to know, maybe they should have done whatever they were doing in private - not out on the street!
Kat, Oxford, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Does your place of work lay on tea, coffee and biscuits - or do employees have dig deep to pay for their own morning and afternoon refreshments?

Kent's justices of the peace are rather exercised that their free biccies and gratis cuppas have been withdrawn in a cost-cutting drive, reports the Daily Telegraph (where one would still like to imagine gingerbread and toasted teacakes, just like Nanny used to make, are carted around the newsroom on a groaning trolley).

The magistrates, who are volunteers, complain that going caffeine-less may hinder the dispensation of county justice... "especially if it's coming to the end of a busy afternoon session," points out one JP.

Ah yes. A long day. A padded chair. A bench to stretch out on. Paper Monitor's eyes are in need of a rest at the very thought of it.

Now they are expected to supply their own refreshments, perhaps the Daily Express can help through its "recession busting tip of the day".

Pausing briefly to cast a green-eyed look at its lead story on "penny mortgages" - courtesy of no-longer-available tracker deals - Paper Monitor turns to page four for its tip. But it's not so much a tip as a reader offer for a discount on airport parking.

And while the Sun's News in Briefs on page three - with Peta, 22, from Essex - does touch on the recession, it may not offer much consolation to those losing their complimentary cuppas. For Peta is "tickled pink" that sales of saucy knick-knocks are apparently up as credit-crunched Brits make their own fun in the bedroom.

Times are indeed tough, when even stories are being recycled so regularly. If Paper Monitor had a penny for every time this chestnut gets raked over - illustrated, inevitably, with a photo of Daisy Lowe in her pants - it would have enough money to, er, buy some custard creams and a round of teas.

How do you take yours?

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"You wouldn't want to make someone wait too long for his car since a car is like a pretty woman. If you wait too long she will become old and perhaps fat" - Ratan Tata on the long waiting list for his £1,300 Nano car.

So a friend once told him, and Mr Tata doesn't want to lose any potential customers. But some may be put off by the wait, and there may be some whose teeth are set on edge by the sentiments expressed above.

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Re: Rory's letter (Friday's letters), I think the managed to top the Independent's Dylan-based toilet punning with the frankly awesome "Defecation Row".
David, Bath, UK

Re: the caption on the photo in - I'll concede that she's happy (due to the rose wine or otherwise), but he looks less than convinced.
Kat Murphy, Coventry

? Is there some kind of pledge that one can make without commitment?
David Richerby, Leeds, UK

""? - Team "A" and Team "Bee" I presume?
Chris, Kettering

Thanks very much for publishing . My partner (who is a fitness instructor) is now making me take an ice bath in an old oil drum after completing my gardening to remove lactic acid build up. This is a deeply unpleasant experience - iced water really takes away the joy of pottering in the garden.
Judy, Leeds

I carry enough guilt about, so henceforth please include a "no idea" answer in all daily mini quizzes. My therapist thanks you.
Curt Carpenter, Dallas, Texas USA

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The face of a young woman, whose life was tragically cut short, stares out from the front page of the Times. But it's not the person you might expect.

Sylvia Plath was 30, only three years older than Jade Goody, when she took her own life in 1963.

And the Times reports a "new chapter" in the family tragedy with the news that her son Nicholas has now committed suicide. The paper has close links to the family, with Nicholas Hughes's sister Frieda a former columnist.

As well as the front page picture, there is a double-page inside recounting how hard it was for Plath's children and her husband Ted Hughes to escape the "personality cult" that sprung up around her memory. Yet it's equally hard to escape the conclusion such cults feed, in part, off media coverage - so, in devoting two pages to this latest tragic twist of events, some of those who until now were ignorant of the Plath-Hughes story will surely have had their morbid curiosity piqued.

The most high-profile death of the weekend came too late to make the Sunday papers, so Monday sees the first commemorations in print.

Leading the Jade story count is the Sun, which dedicates the first 10 pages to her, plus a 16-page pullout.

The only paper to avoid any mention on its front page is the Independent (Yes, even the Financial Times* notes it in its "News briefing"), although it makes up for this with three pages inside.

For those hankering after a digestible guide to reality TV's former star, Paper Monitor can recommend .

*As for the FT, Paper Monitor couldn't help but wonder how this international journal of business would relay the story to what might be presumed to be an audience largely ignorant of Goody's fame. The paper does a sound job of explaining who Goody was and why she made such an impact on British pop culture. But its scepticism is finally betrayed in the glib pay-off of the story's final paragraph:

"Optimists... thought Ms Goody's legacy would be a greater understanding of the need for early detection of cervical cancer: demand for smear tests has soared in recent weeks. Realists thought the public would be on to the next sensation within a month."

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"Dearest Mama, your very own piece of wetland to romp in and enjoy" - Stephen Fry gives his mother a bit of Cambridgeshire fen.

Fry is president of the Great Fen Project, which intends to preserve and create wetland in the county. So it is only natural that he should give his mother a bit of fen for Mother's Day. And it is only natural that she would want to romp in it.

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