´óÏó´«Ã½

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Marriage over the telephone is valid under Islamic law.

2. Salmonella can build up on bird feeders and then spread among birds.

3. Bebo stands for blog early, blog often.

4. Capuchin monkeys were named because of their resemblance to the Catholic friars.

5. MPs' parliamentary gym memberships are cancelled during the election campaign.

6. Wombats produce cube-shaped dung.

7. The home computer was invented by a man called Dr Henry Edward Roberts.

8. Cillit Bang is called Cillit Bam in New Zealand.

9. Bodies repatriated to a home country from the UK must be encased in zinc-lined coffins.


10. Insect museums are called insectariums.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Laura Blake for this week's picture of 10 cans.

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Re: . It's worrying that even University Challenge sensation, Alex Guttenplan, believes that Wikipedia contains "facts".
Jenny, Manchester

Richard Sparrow, Thursday's Letters - Were you by any chance an international cricket umpire between 1973 and 1996?
Jim, Crowborough

Noooooo, how could you?! I was so carefully avoiding finding out the result of masterchef before I watched it and there it was sneakily included in the link from Jenn from Porthcawl's letter Thursday's Letters. That's my evening plans out the window...
Susan, UK

Stokey Sue (Thursday letters), I used to work for a company that shipped cremains overseas for people and we had to categorize them as foodstuffs for customs purposes.
Sid, Bristol

comes with distressingly little detail about the "cursing" involved: did he invoke the infinite wrath of the almighty Lord N'Grahu, Shifter of the Sands and Demon Prince of the Endless Night, or did he just swear a bit? I know which I'm hoping for.
Edward Green, London, UK

DMQ (Thursday letters) going? No, simply retiring to join the Silver Servers...
Rahere, Smithfield

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Here are the best of this week's entries.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was a picture of a dog celebrating Easter in Indianapolis.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SimonRooke
"Lassie's demands were getting out of hand, and the studio were getting ready to recast the role."

5. TheCoachman
"It's the only way I can get any sort of reception for my mobile."

4. ARoseByAnyOther
"After chewing Auntie Emme's new sofa, Fido quietly entered the canine witness protection program."

3. Valerie Ganne
"Prince had been a sniffer dog for the Drug Squad for rather too long..."

2. Candace9839
"If you want to catch the rabbit, you have to be the rabbit..."

1. Clarence_E_Pitts
"Liberace's dog found."

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Paper Monitor was intrigued to hear . "What's your favourite paper?" is a prickly poser for any politician in campaign mode, since any answer runs the risk of exasperating a section of the Today programme audience: a flurry of lost votes and breakfast cereal spat out in disgust.

The Daily Mail and the Telegraph might be thought of as too close to a Tory leader's heartland; the Mirror is no fan of the Conservatives; the FT and the Economist a tad business-y, so how's an interviewee to reply? The Guardian? Obviously not - notwithstanding Mr Cameron's .

So, to today's Star. Paper Monitor is sure that modesty would prevent any politician from lingering over flattering coverage of his or her latest press conference - - so perhaps it's the unexpected dietary tips that will have caught Mr Cameron's eye today?

If so, lumps of coal may well feature on the menu at No 10 should Mr Cameron win the election. For under the simple headline "SARAH: I EAT COAL", Girls Aloud's as a way to stay in "great shape". Not as suitable for photo opportunities as jogging and cycling, perhaps, but the possibilities for reviving the local economies of former mining communities is obvious.

Mr Cameron's favourite section of the Star, Paper Monitor is sure, is Goss, the double page of celebrity snippets; as an educated man, he will have enjoyed the allusion to Edgar Allen Poe in the headline for the news that : "Amy call to house of Usher".

Earlier this week, Paper Monitor observed that the Star's election logo was using an obsolete logo for the Conservatives; today, the error has been corrected. Perhaps Mr C texted DSTAR to 80088 (25p plus network costs) to tell his favourite paper that ?

Paper Monitor will of course continue to ponder the favourite newspapers of any other party leaders as soon as new data becomes available.

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"I think so long as your face looks all right everything else can be Photoshopped" - Liz Hurley gives her view on the airbrushing debate.

Some might say there's the slightest hint in this that Liz Hurley's face looks "all right".

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Re. , may I be the first of many to say nomintive determinism?
Jenn, Porthcawl, Bridgend

Could we have a "How to Say" article with reference to the pronunciation of the name of the Central Asian Republic of Kyrgyzstan
Richard Sparrow, County Durham, UK

As a follow up to on sending a body home, it is often easier to have a cremation in the UK and repatriate the ashes. If the person has been resident in the UK a long time, this is also makes it easy to have a "proper" send off in both countries. Most countries don't require any special permission to import cremains - though some (France!) do.
Stokey Sue, London, UK

Isn't there a flaw in the idea of a night flight for a ?
Paul Greggor, London

I realise I'm a bit late, but reading the , it struck me: could "One a penny, two a penny" be the first example of BOGOF ?
Paul Greggor, London

There was a great quote of the day to be had in , except the golden quote wasn't reported by the ´óÏó´«Ã½. In the Metro article, it said: "He doesn't think he's an owl - he thinks he's a Gareth".
Jinja, Edinburgh

So "" looks like an "inelligible Scrabble contribution" eh? I beg to ...

Paul Maplesden, Tunbridge Wells, UK

So sorry to see the DMQ going - really enjoyed answering (or trying to) everyday - it was good fun. I see the Have Your Say page has changed as well, not for the better I'm afraid, but..
Good Luck and thanks to all.
Rebecca, Wakefield

DMQ "is being put out to pasture by dint of the fact a server is being switched off."
An answer typical of a politician: it answers the question without giving the questioner the information requested. Why could the DMQ not be transferred to another server, e.g. the one running Your Letters?
Keith, Lismore, Ireland

Why does the switching off of a server mean the Mini-Quiz has to be 'put out' to pasture? Your tech guys are clearly not geeky enough to port it elsewhere, tut!
Jo, Reading

Regarding the switching off of a server bringing with it the (premature) demise of the DMQ - where do servers go to when they die? Is there some mythical cave they return to before popping their clogs? Or do they suddenly burst into song before shuffling from this mortal coil? And please no answers involving "Silicon Heaven" - that's a Holness.
Howard, London, UK

10 things: DMQ had a server all of its own - Your Letters, Wednesday (really?)
Rik Alewijnse, Feering, UK

Re DMQ demise: that's right, blame the computer!
IT Spy, Peterborough

Can't believe the Daily Mini-Quiz is going. I do it every lunch time and it always brightens up my day.
Eleanor, Hove

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

This Paper Monitor will be free of the e-word.

It used to be diverting to feature on these pages the words of wisdom uttered by the page three "stunnas" in the popular "News in Briefs" section.

But the Sun has now taken it too far by consciously taking the mickey, with its beauty outlining the three basic laws of economics.

Today Hollie, 22, from Manchester, says: "As guru Adam Smith wrote in his seminal The Wealth of Nations, they are: a free economy, free marketing and laissez-faire government."

Boooooo.

Elsewhere in the Sun, there is something amusing.

"Fury as 4ft penis grabbed by police".

A wise old sage once told Paper Monitor that some stories just write themselves and you shouldn't interfere too much.

A garden centre boss had a 4ft stone penis statue seized by police after displaying it in a shop window. It was apparently a work of art from Indonesia.

The man refuses to pay the fine and has started a "Free Willy" campaign.

So we go from tabloid good to tabloid bad.

Never mind "Broken Britain" are the nation's punning sport headlines in terminal decline.

The Daily Mirror has "DREAM IN ROOINS" on the front after Manchester United were knocked out of the Champions League. Wayne Rooney may have also re-injured himself.

It's "ROOINED" in the Daily Star.

But Paper Monitor noted the Mirror giving this pun an outing a week ago when Rooney was first injured.

And a quick check of the Lexis Nexis database reveals this pun is as old as the hills. It first got an outing in 2005. The Sunday Mirror also used the formulation "DREAM IN RUINS" in 2006.

Stop it.

Now.

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"I want to study commerce or accounting and be engaged in the banking sector" - 'Living goddess' Chanira Bajracharya looks to life after retirement.

Many people have to make big decisions at 15, but not usually because they are giving up on god status. That's Chanira's situation after nine years of being regarded as a deity in Nepal.

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Right - while we're being pedants, (Your Letters, HH, St Albans), I'd like to get a few things off my chest too. To all users of Facebook: if you think something is sad/cute etc., the word is "Ahhh" and not "Awww" (which I read as "Orrr" and which makes everyone sound Texan). Also, if you *must* emphasise the word so, then use asterisks as 'sooooo' just reads as "Sue". And I should know. Hmph.
Sue, London

The name for a predictable letter is a Holness (Your Letters, Tuesday). Originating as a term from a once amusing remark "Can I have a P please Bob", the term covers both single letters and any predictable text communication; letters, e-mails or texts.
Lewis Graham, Hitchin

To Bas, London (Your Letters, Tuesday, again)- it's OK, PM was wrongly using the word tmesis anyway, otherwise it would have been Da-"two brains"-vid Willetts, and that's just bizarre!
Dan, Manchester, UK

Having , it's surely only a matter of time before scientists reveal your gender: "The monitor, described as spectacular by the scientists who found it, lives in forests covering the Sierra Madre mountains in the north of the country."
Brian Saxby, Newcastle, UK

Re Paper Monitor "Griffin"? Is that the official LibDem description of their logo, or mistake on PM's part? Griffin: 4-legged, eagle at front, lion at rear, snake for a tail. Phoenix: bird rising from ashes.
Matt, Surrey, UK

The Sun's date branding (Paper Monitor, Wednesday)looks like a subliminal prediction of a Conservative victory: Tories 2, Labour 0, Lib Dems 1, Independents 0. Assuming the election is to be decided by a giant four-team game of football, of course.
Edward Green, London, UK

Last ever DMQ?! Is this another example of Crunch-Creep? I demand the resignation of Mark Thompson.
Phil, Guisborough

No more DMQ? Why would you do such a thing? I know redundancies are often unavoidable but this is an outrage!
Dave Cassar, London

What, no more Daily Mini-Quizzes? Noooo! Did I miss a memo? Why are we being deprived of fun little quiz?
Lesley Keech, Welwyn Garden City, UK

Why is the Daily Mini-Quiz ending? Why oh why?!
Sarah J, London

I suppose you thought today was a good day to bury bad news? How dare you! How dare you stop the Daily Mini-Quiz - it's an integral part of my lunch hour. I think it should be re-instated immediately and no more of these silly cuts, please! Harrrumph!
Paul, Devon
Paul Morris, Exeter

Re "And this is the last answer of the last Daily Mini-Quiz ever. Farewell to all. Sniff" No, please, why? This is my daily brain workout, please reconsider....
Paul, Knaresborough

Imagine my moment glee when I got today's mini-quiz answer correct. Then imagine my abject misery when I read the text accompanying the answer. I mean, I knew the Beeb was planning to halve its web presence, but is nothing sacred?! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have to go lie down.
Si, Leeds

Monitor: Change may be the mantra of the moment for some, but this is not the driving force behind the departure of our dearly beloved friend, Mini-Quiz, Daily. Rather, it is being put out to pasture by dint of the fact a server is being switched off. 2,368 answers so far. No flowers

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"I said to Mark if this was a hoax and I launched an international rescue, I would give him the bill. But he said, no, it was serious" - The friend who was DIY shopping when he was called by a friend who was stranded in the Caribbean.

When your ship is called Titanic you've got to be careful, right? When sailor Mark Corbett's ship was literally sinking he pulled out his mobile phone to dial the only number he could remember - his friend Alex Evans. Mr Evans, a lifeboat crewman was at a DIY store in Wales when he took the call, but that didn't stop him coordinating a rescue operation to save his friend.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press

It's the first full blown, full colour election campaign in newspaper history. For generations politics has blazed a trail over the press with its multi-hued approach to branding. While Labour, the Conservatives and the Lib Dems proudly touted their luxuriant party colours, newspapers were largely reduced to a monochromatic imitation, deploying shades of grey.

But in the five years since the last national poll, nearly all the papers have gone over to full colour across all pages, presenting a thrilling palette of opportunity for election branding. So what do we have:

Almost all the papers consider it necessary to cater for the scatty constituency of their readerships by reminding them what year we are in. The Daily Mail (top picture) and Independent (below it), may be philosophically poles apart but exhibit a startling synergy of thought using just the red, blue and yellow of the main parties with the words "Election 2010".

The Sun (next one down), which has thrown its weight behind the Tories in this campaign, does however subtly acknowledge the potential of the smaller parties by augmenting the three-party tricolour with a dash of grey.

The Guardian, meanwhile, seems to be laughing in the face of this rainbow alliance, opting for a knowingly understated gun-metal grey - or "pigeon" in the colour terminology of one distinguished paint manufacturer.

No such reserve at the Daily Mirror which offers a colour and logo medley. Rose for Labour, tree for Tory, griffin phoenix for Lib Dem. There's a similar vibe at the Daily Star although someone seems to have forgotten to tell them that the Tories have changed their emblem.

Finally, we're left with the Times, Daily Express and Financial Times which all seem to be pulling the equivalent of an election sulk with zero branding of any sort.

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So people think that it is a joke that the Queen might use Easyjet. Queen Sofia of Spain has flown on Ryanair (yes, Ryanair) in the past.
John, Barcelona, Spain

Re 10 things and The world's oldest hot cross bun is 189 today. This doesn't surprise me. I once found some three month old hot cross buns in the cupboard and, although they were a bit hard, they looked absolutely fine.
Dr Toes, Carharrack

Re Are MPs paid during the dissolution of Parliament?
John Betts, Harborough

Okay, admit it, who else had to look up "tmesis" (Paper Monitor, Tuesday)? You big show off P- "The Wizard (or Witch)" -M you.
Bas, London

Re , oh come on, you're not even trying now! Ian Poll?
Simon, Colchester, UK

I suspect MM will be receiving no end of letters referring to (Monitor: you're not wrong Cornish Bob): story with comments along the lines of "I knew Katie Price was a bit dim but......" Is there a term for such predictable letters? Or for the practice of predicting the predictable?
Cornish Bob, Truro

Election fever? The last time I had a fever I lay in bed for days semi-comatose, feeling very ill and wishing the damn thing would go away - oh yes, I see what you mean.
John Whapshott, Westbury, Wiltshire

the timing of the general election could not have been worse, considering the number of TV and radio presenters who pronounce "sixth" "sikth", which you say is incorrect. how about a special instruction to everyone there?
Peter B, London uk

Please ask all presenters to stop putting the accent on the second syllable of kilometre. We don't do the same with millimetre or centimetre and it also obscures the meaning of the two parts of the word.
HH, St Albans

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Digesting the coverage of last night's University Challenge final, it dawns on Paper Monitor that HM Press has been guilty of neglecting a key responsibility as the last rounds of the contest were played out - coining a suitable nickname for the unassailable Alex Guttenplan.

For those who couldn't tear themselves away from Channel 5's The Gadget Show, Mr Guttenplan steered his team to victory in last night's final by answering a succession of brain boiling questions.

Even before he lifted the trophy, there had been a bit of buzz doing the rounds about him.

But the closest the papers had come to crafting an original moniker around his name was "Guttenfans" - a term coined apparently on Facebook, and reported by Messrs Mail and Telegraph.

Last year, you may remember, we had Gail "human Google" Trimble. And whenever former Tory minister David Willetts gets a mention in the tabloid press it's always with the tmesis "two brains".

It's not like there's a shortage of sobriquets for intelligent people - brain box, clever clogs, smart ar... you get the drift.

The Mail makes a gallant stab today with atop a bare-chested picture of our hero. But the effect is somewhat undermined by the image, which is less Vladimir Putin on his summer hols, more "Oi, put that camera down and stop messing about".

The Mail also, considerately, mentions that young Guttenplan's parents sent him to "£20,000-a-year Westminster School after becoming frustrated at the state education system".

The Mirror weighs in, albeit rather shyly across just one column, with "Master Plan".

The Independent fails to nail to a nickname, though notes his "Harry Potter good looks" while the Telegraph . The sub-editing fraternity can rest easy that these are not handles dreamt up by anyone in their trade - rather terms that have already been used for Mr Guttenplan on Facebook.

Such is the way these days.

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"The standard of some taxidermy is excellent. The tiger is very good and could reach a figure in the thousands" - An auctioneer on selling a collection of stuffed animals.

Anyone fancy a stuffed animal in their lounge? The Brading Experience museum on the Isle of Wight has closed, leaving its collection of 250 animals without a home. The creatures include a giant tortoise and a baboon which made up part of a collection dating back to Victorian times.

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"When they got there, it was basically some burnt toast that had set the alarm off" - spokesman for Buckinghamshire fire service which was stood down after an emergency at Tony Blair's country house

Four engines were sent to the Blairs' historic home when a smoke alarm was activated, automatically triggering a call to the local fire station. It turned out someone had burnt the toast.

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