Paper Monitor
09:18 UK time, Wednesday, 8 September 2010
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor is spending the morning in Wayne's World... and what a topsy-turvy existence it is.
"Roo swine," screams the Daily Mirror's front page as it reports some salacious new claims about England star Rooney's private life.
Flip the paper over, however, and we are reminded with a Pythonesque nudge of how "Roo loves a quickie" - a reference to the striker scoring within 10 minutes of England kicking off against Switzerland last night.
It is a rare combination of praise and condemnation tackled by most of the tabloids by way of gleeful double-entendres.
The Star quotes the prostitute Rooney is alleged to have slept with during wife Coleen's pregnancy as having "Charged Wayne ugly tax".
Its sports page, meanwhile, notes how "Roo scores away from home".
Paper Monitor pictures the sub-editor turning to a colleague and asking, with a wink: "Is this headline a go-er?"
For the Sun, "Wayne's one-two" on the front - accompanied by a photo of two scantily-clad young women - is faced by "Roo takes Swiss to the Coleeners" on the back.
Inside it judges Rooney's match performance in terms of touch, stayin' power, tackle and penetration. Say no more.
Even the more innocent-sounding back pages have a hint of innuendo.
"Wayne's back on top," according to the Daily Express, which notes inside that "Rooney thinks of England". Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean?
The Daily Mail suggests Rooney is "A true pro", with its main match report headed by "Roo's up to his old tricks".
One wonders at this stage whether too much can be read into a simple sports headline.
So it is with relief that Paper Monitor notes the Independent gamely ploughing its own furrow by asking: "Is our tax system fit for purpose?"
Hang on, is that a reference to "ugly tax"?
Time for a lie down. Fnarr, fnarr.
The 
