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If there's one thing that's guaranteed to give the residents of any market town a conniption, it's plans for some kind of sex-related business.

For the residents of Ampthill, Beds, it's a lap dancing club. Stories about local folk's antipathy to sex shops etc are ten a penny, but from the Daily Telegraph caught Paper Monitor's eye.

Here's why.

Probably in anticipation of the agro that was coming his way, businessman John Shayler - who has applied for a sexual entertainment licence for the club - appears to have been conducting a charm offensive.

He argues that the club would be good for the local economy. Create jobs even. Even for those who may have taken early retirement and may be at a loose end. And there's something for everybody.

Here's his ad in full, courtesy of the Telegraph:

"Dancers required. We are now actively seeking dancers to join our team. We would like to hear from Ampthill, Flitwick and the surrounding villages, 18 to 60 years only please. 1. Male dancers; 2. Female dancers; 3. Gay male dancers; 3. [sic] Lesbian dancers; 4. Transvestite dancers; 5. Transsexual dancers.

"Experiences [sic] preferred but not required as training will be provided."

If that doesn't raise a smile - these quotes will.

Shayler, according to the story, is looking to bring a "bit of magic to people's lives". The paper notes that he is already involved with a lap dancing club in another town and has previously he compared himself with Walt Disney.

Yes, he wants to spread a bit a fairy dust to create a "Disney World bubble where people turn up miserable and leave with a smile on their face."

Here's what one resident of Ampthill has to say about that idea: "He says he wants some Disney World experience - what are we going to have, Minnie Mouse stripping off? I think someone is having a laugh. You can't take things like this seriously."

The features pages of the same newspaper lift the lid on the details of what many view as a David and Goliath-style row between the Church of England and residents of three small villages in Devon.

"Shepherd-flock relations turned nasty," we learn after the Church planned to construct 25m-high wind turbines on three different sites in north Devon. The Church has capitulated but an air of bitterness and recrimination remains.

Religious metaphors and analogies are .

We discover a "a passion play of a very modern kind has been acted out", that a "serpent's nest" of trouble has been stirred up, while a wrath of "biblical strength" has been unleashed... etc, etc.

The Bishop of Exeter, Michael Langrish, sent a lettter to the congregations last month in which he spoke of "being grieved by the way some of those opposed to our proposals have resorted to abusive and bullying tactics".

His observations have not gone down well, the Telegraph notes:

They could have been served up with a big dollop of mea culpa regarding lack of consultation, plus a promise to drop the turbine scheme forthwith, but the bishop's remarks left villagers feeling he had taken his message not from the Book of Lamentations, but from the Gospel of Sour Grapes.

"What's that all about?" asks Caroline Hopton, who is responsible for a series of tongue-in-cheek "Have you got wind of the bishop's erections?" posters. "One minute, he's talking about bridge-building, the next, he goes boo-hoo and says he's been bullied."

More tea Vicar?

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