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I am a modest Monkey. I don't ask for much. I never even mention the date of my birthday to the rest of the Ouch team or even to you, my devoted fans. But observant readers of this blog have been sending me links to a news story about - deep breath - a .

Yes, you heard right. Let me just repeat that - a JET-POWERED WHEELCHAIR. Blimey, missus.

Never mind the iPod, those whizzy picture-messaging mobile phones or whatever shiny gadget is regarded as the latest consumer must-have - all I want a jet-powered wheelchair! Gimme! It can do speeds of more than 60 miles an hour! Can you even begin to imagine how fast I'd get round the supermarket in that thing? I must have one. Now.

Please send all your donations to the usual address. Please. I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my entire life. You could make a Crippled Monkey very happy.