Bullying: The solution is to help the bully too
| 17:07 UK
time, Tuesday, 16 November 2010
I think bullying is a concern for most parents and it is clear from recent research, that most bullying situations occur in a school setting. Worryingly, it is not just at school but on the way to and from school. A survey released to mark (November 15-19) says that nearly half of 11 to 16 year, have witnessed bullying on their journey to school. ÌýShockingly, 47% had failed to report bullying that they had witnessed in the last year, 44% thought it wasn’t their business and 1 in 10 didn’t know who to tell.Ìý
If this is the case, then schools need to educate children about bullying and to stress that not reporting it is helping the bullies. Standing by and watching should not be considered an option. Obviously if an individual feels they themselves are in danger they should find an adult, or teacher that can help them.
I recall vividly watching a child being bullied when I was at primary school. The individual in question was being surrounded by other children, who were chanting insulting things at her in the playground. I am ashamed to say that I knew it was wrong and although I did not join in, I didn’t tell anyone. ÌýI genuinely think that I didn’t know who I should tell or what I should do.
There is a real fear among children, about becoming a victim yourself if you ‘tell’. We had never had a lesson about bullying and what to do if we were bullied or saw someone else being bullied. We used to have dinner ladies that supervised us in the playground and unless physical force was used, they tended to turn a blind eye to verbal abuse.
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I believe that schools should have a zero tolerance to bullying. Teaching children that it is wrong and how to cope with it, is crucial to managing the problem. Ìýhas advice on how to manage bullying for children and their parents. Another good website is . One option for a child who doesn’t want to talk to a parent, is to call on 0800 11 11.Ìý
It is also important to deal with the bullies. They often have something going on at home or in their personal life, that is making them behave badly.
have Ìýrecently joined forces with Bullying UK and take an active role in dealing with bullies and their parents. They just launched a briefing paper ‘Dealing with the Bullies’ which calls for parents of bullies to receive support to tackle their behaviour.
I think most parents would be distraught to be called in to school to be told their child was a bully. Some of these charities offer courses and counselling to parents to help them manage the situation. Parents can feel really isolated when their child’s behaviour is out of control. So this is a vital lifeline for them to get help and meet other people who are struggling with similar issues.Ìý
It is likely that our children will witness in some form or another, whether they are just a witness, being bullied themselves or they are the perpetrator. We need to take responsibility as parents to teach then that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable and if we are struggling, to seek outside help with the situation.
Claire Winter is a member of the ´óÏó´«Ã½ Parent Panel.
Comment number 1.
At 26th Nov 2010, johannes ott wrote:In order to understand bullying we must understand the key motivation of bullies. Bullies have an imagined fear of others, this fear drives them to covertly (hidden and not openly displayed) attacks. Bullies have a tendency to get others to do the "dirty" work for them. Therefore bullies will seek to find out the weaknesses and insecurities of the victim and pass the information on to others. An example will show how this is usually done: the bully will initial pretend to be the friend, the "only" friend the to-be-victim has. Once information has been gain, the bully passes the information to the others who will attack what they think is actually a valid target.
Operating out of the security of a group and usually not the loud one of the group unless he is absolutely certain he is safe, he will get others to attack. This complicates the issue of finding bullies and is one of the reason why we have not been able to resolve this problem despite all the policies in place. We usually find the loud ones and miss the real bully in the background who will soon begin a new regime of terror.
Perhaps we need to rethink our strategic but one or two thing we can do. One is to empower the victims by training them to be able to deal with such attacks better. As mentioned bullies seek out weaknesses or create the feeling of inadequacy.
The problem with weak spots and insecurity is not that the child got them but that he can't talk about it to anyone. He feels the others may have a valid point somewhere deep down, especially if one attacker is an opinion leader or particular "cool" guy. It is key that the child feels he can't really talk about it. If you can get a kid to really talk about it, his anxieties and so on, it will make a difference.
The only way to really know if a child is bullied is to get the child to communicate and find out from the child. Compare this with the behaviour the child exhibits around you, the foster or parent, and you will know.
Children will tell you, if they feel secure in doing so.
Secondly, as already mentioned getting the passive bystanders and spectators engaged. The only way to do this is to raise the group's moral standards. However before we can raise any standard we have to instil the idea that there is a group and not a class of individuals who will be competitors one day.
The only one I know at this point who focuses on creating group spirit and giving tools the individuals can use to handle bullies or acts of bullying is done by raiseachild.co.uk
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