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- an eye-patch. He only ever has a one-eyed view of his beloved team's matches so he might as well cover the other one up.

- his own chat-show, seeing as that's how he treats Test matches.

- a parasol for those sunny days on the touchline (he's very fair-skinned so it's only fair).

- galoshes so he can keep his feet dry the next time he crosses the Tyne.

- a bottle of.... nah, damn it, just some bottle.

- this might take some arm-twisting but where oh where is the single 'Arry's a Top Geezer'.

- a box-set of albums so he can spend Christmas being a little negative for a change, just for the sake of balance. (Trouble is you can just hear KP putting in a call to Morrissey and saying 'Yes, for sure, you're miserable now, but you've just got to pick yourself up and get on with the job, y'know?').

- already given him his Christmas present, but maybe we could give supporters of a bucket of water and a job-lot of soap so they can wash their stupid faces and join the 21st century.

- a haircut cos Bernie, that look didn't suit , let alone you.

- , and - all these words describe City's season so far but I think they'll end with and a new manager.

- same thing as he gets every year off me - a year's supply of lacquer for his tresses and a snorkel and flippers. And once Cristiano hadn't opened his present he didn't tidy things away properly and stepped into the box and promptly fell over.

- some bowlers (Johnson apart)... poor Australia - struggling aren't they? Gives a silver lining to all that fog in Mohali, doesn't it?

- a little time on the bench, courtesy of 'Arry. Redknapp tried to let him down gently by giving Gomes a cold, but the poor chump couldn't catch that either.

//Any other silly old duffer who should be doing something different with their lives - a Saga holidays brochure. Me Mam and Dad love 'em and it's a dignified way to grow into your later years. There's more to life than trying to tonk another old bloke in the face. The heavyweight division is looking more and more like a school reunion punch-up.

- in the light of the above, a happy retirement.

- the Chelsea captaincy so he can toss a coin in a more useful way.

and - fortune's fools the pair of them, and yet, they've both done enough to earn the right to take it on. So Geordies and Mackems, give 'em the job.

- a buyer so he can get out of there and return to a quiet life of skulling pints and flogging trainers.

- Forget the golf complex in the North-east of Scotland, surely you could build a nine-hole par three in the bloke's ridiculous hair.

- the nation's thanks for straightening out that bunch of millionaire muppets into a team worthy of the name England.

- a glass of cool water and some nice meditation tapes to listen to. That's it, Joey, concentrate on the breathing son... let your mind go blank... wait, you did that a while ago...

- a gag. You sound like a seagull that's being remorselessly smacked over the head with a damp welly. For goodness sake knock it on the head, woman.

- Rob's not getting any pressies this year cos he doesn't believe in Santa Claus or tooth fairies or ghosts or imaginary stuff like that, which is ironic cos he's the exact opposite when you put him on a football field.

- what else? Some slippers.

And in the sitting rooms of sports stars up and down the land they'll be playing the traditional games.

and will be round Fabio's place playing musical chair (that's right, just the one, Fabio).

Harry Redknapp is accused by Jamie of cheating at , but his Dad insists that F-R-Z-I-J-S-K-X is the new centre-back he's signing from .

play Articulate all day long and Wazza gets one right on the stroke of midnight.

The Pompey squad are round at to play , the owners of Manchester City and Chelsea are playing (no change there), and Arsene Wenger is not really enjoying his game of as he keeps getting it wrong ('I think it was , in the six-yard box, with the yellow card').

This is me Derek Robbo Robson saying to every one of you - even the miserygutses who think all their licence fees go on my wages - Merry Christmas!