Robbo's title run-in
OK. I've combed the fixture list - first thing I've combed since me wedding day - and I reckon I can announce who is going to win the Premier League - and how (with a little help from the ). (And if you want to see Match of the Day 2's effort,
Wednesday 24 March
Pompey 1 Chelsea 2. Didier Drogba's early opener is equalised when the tiniest man in Portsmouth gets above Paulo Ferreira to score an equaliser. Drogba is on the floor, but the physio brings on a dummy and just when it looks like he's going to spit it out, Frank Lampard sneaks in for the winner.
United 69 Chelsea 68 Arsenal 67
Saturday 27 March
Birmingham 0 Arsenal 2; Bolton 1 Man Utd 3.
and
Stephen Carr remembers why he retired, as that cat Andrey Arshavin treats him like a ball of wool. Easy win. United recover from the shock of a Bolton Wanderers team employing the sides of their feet to shift the ball around the park, and a late brace by Wayne Rooney seals it.
Chelsea 1 Villa 1
Chelsea comfortably in charge (after Drogba's early opener) until Martin O'Neill brings on Emile Heskey as a late substitute and John Terry is caught hopelessly out of position for the big man's equaliser.
United 72 Arsenal 70 Chelsea 69
Bob Crow knows a lot about strikers
Saturday 3 April
Arsenal 4 Wolves 1; Man Utd 1 Chelsea 1
, Mick McCarthy picks a Wolverhampton Weight-Watchers XI and Arsenal tear them apart. The Big One is a niggly affair, with Drogba's early opener equalised in the 19th minute of injury time by Federico Macheda.
United 73 Arsenal 73 Chelsea 70
Saturday 10 April
Tottenham 2 Arsenal 1
'Arry's got fewer strikers than a boardroom, so up front he pairs a portly Clive Allen with A rare outing for Lucasz Fabianski results in two late goals for Spurs - the winner coming from a Sol Campbell backpass. Arsene Wenger blames the fourth official.
Sunday 11 April
Blackburn 0 Man United 1
Gary Neville scores the winner. The goal celebrations are not shown before the watershed.
Tuesday 13 April
Chelsea 2 Bolton 0
After Drogba's early opener, a lot of huffing and puffing until Salomon Kalou tucks away a late winner. Police are still seeking the rider of
United 76 Arsenal 73 Chelsea 73
Saturday 17 April
Man City 2 Man Utd 1
Huge setback for United as the nouveau riches plunder the points after a World Cup place-winning performance by the brilliant Adam Johnson - what a player and thank goodness Middlesbrough unearthed such a jewel for the nation, eh? Rooney is injured.
Tottenham 1 Chelsea 2
After Drogba's early opener, Spurs struggle - but Jermain Defoe looks to have earned a point when he tucks away an offside sitter. However, Alex wins the points for the Blue Meanies with a 70-yard free-kick. Carlo Ancelotti insists he is unsurprised, but Nasa are quick to announce that they are launching a mission to recover the boss's left eyebrow from the ionosphere.
Sunday 18 April
Wigan 0 Arsenal 5
"It's always a question of which Wigan will turn up", suggests 5Live's Mike Ingham. Turns out it's the one that hovers in the doorway wondering whether it should have left the house this morning. Nicklas Bendtner is unchallenged so frequently it looks like Titus Bramble's on his Blackberry. Jason Scotland makes a start up front again... but it's not a name to inspire footballing confidence.
United 76 Arsenal 76 Chelsea 76
(It's close or what, folks?)
Saturday 24 April
Arsenal 2 Man City 2
Roberto Mancini leaves Patrick Vieira on the bench - the one outside the big Asda at Eastlands. Emmanuel Adebayor scores for Citeh -and starts a mad dash towards the new Clock End in waiting.
Stewards bring him to the ground and an almighty melee ensues. Toure nabs a goal 'n all, but Arsene Wenger is delighted with his players' "tenacity, spirit, technical ability and lovely pretty passing" as Samir Nasri and Alex Song score to earn the Gunners a point.
Sunday 25 April
Chelsea 2 Stoke 1; Man U 1 Spurs 1
After Drogba's early opener, a Rory Delap long-throw is headed in by... well, someone... and it takes the return of Michael Essien to prompt victory. 
Will Drogba be on the scoresheet again?
Rooney is unfit and the X-rays of his metatarsal are selling in the tabloids for 50 grand a pop - but United still grab a penalty after Valencia is pulled back in the centre-circle. Bob Crow nabs a brave equaliser, despite a crunching challenge from Nemanja Vidic. Crow refuses to play on 'cos of concerns for the safety of his members.
Chelsea 79 Man U 77 Arsenal 77
Saturday 1 May
Blackburn 1 Arsenal 2; Liverpool 1 Chelsea 1; Sunderland 1 Man Utd 3
Mayday! Mayday! Arsenal are in trouble until El-Hadji Diouf gets sent off for spitting at a corner-flag and kicking himself in the head.
A late winner from Thomas Vermaelen seals the points. At Anfield, after Drogba's early opener, Liverpool get a deserved draw. Fernando Torres knocks spots off the pitch and John Terry. Steven Gerrard's point-grabbing penalty, scored after a dubious plummet by the skipper, is tucked away confidently after he's removed the wetsuit and flippers.
At the Stadium of Light, Scholesy and Giggsy are chatting about their box sets of Lark Rise to Candleford when Fergie calls them on to nab a goal each as United comfortably overturn a surprisingly cheerful Steve Bruce.
Man U 80 (GD +51) Arsenal 80 (GD +50) Chelsea 80 (GD +47)
Sunday May 9
The last Sunday.... it looks a tad forlorn for Chelsea, but wait! They've got Wigan at home! Arsenal are confronting a Fulham team obsessing about their Europa Cup Final against Liverpool. And United welcome back Wayne Rooney with his metatarsal magically healed, following tea and a chat with some old dear called Eileen Drewery.
Chelsea go goal-crazy at the Bridge - even Michael Ballack looks interested. United can't bag a second against a resolute Stoke. Arsenal need another to ensure victory against Fulham and they get it through the Ghost of Michael Thomas. The final scores are: Man U 1 Stoke 0; Arsenal 2 Fulham 0; Chelsea 5 Wigan 0.
Final table:
Man U 83 (+52); Arsenal 83 (+52); Chelsea 83 (+52)
And Arsenal are champions on goals scored. Ridiculous.
And here's the thing: it could really be this close. Count every goal, my friends. This is the best season in living memory.
nb: If you want to find out who will finish top, use the (you only need to fill in the results of the 'Big Three').
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
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