Elvis McGonagall
Elvis McGonagall - poet, twit and armchair revolutionary does the rhyming this week.
Find out more about him on his .
It鹿s A Holy, Holy Day
It's an everlasting pint of the black stuff It's a Cheltenham Gold Cup hat-trick It's the craic in the bar, it's whiskey in the jar It's Happy Birthday to Saint Patrick.
She鹿s Waiting For Her Man
Postman Pat鈥檚 her pusher
(He鈥檚 no parcelforce flunkey)
She鈥檚 loitering by her letterbox
She鈥檚 the catalogue junky
She mainlines Lakeland lifestyle
Boden booty blows her mind
The thud on the floor is a Class A score
And her joy is unconfined
As she puts her 鈥 feet up, kettle on and cares away
Flicking through her glossy narcotic
Lost in her perfect Doris Day world
Full of products so exotic
A shiny thing for sculpting apple art
Mail-order bridesmaids鈥 frocks (in green)
Ben Elton novelty fondue sets
A radio-controlled mahogany tureen
Voluminous, comfy Chinese pants
Hand-stitched up the Yangtze
Anarchist grafitti tea-towels
Autographed by Banksy
Yes she鈥檚 tripping with her Catalogue Man
Off the High Street鈥檚 beaten tracks
As he points over there with a glassy stare
In his pastel, crimplene slacks
She鈥檚 hooked on sofa shopping
Kit-Kats and cups of tea
Squirreling all her stash away
One day she will OD
鈥楥os her cupboards are full, she鈥檚 gone too far
Shrink-wrapped in plastic despair
So listen boys and girls to the catalogue tsar
Just say 鈥渘yet!鈥 to Tupperware
Never Mind The Jackson Pollocks
I don鈥檛 know much about art
And I feel a proper Charlie
The lobster phone that I gave to Oxfam
Was a goddam original Dali
And the statue of the lassie with the broken off arms
That I chucked onto the skip
Was apparently the Venus de Milo
Which has given me considerable gyp
I put Picasso鈥檚 painting in the village tombola
鈥楥os I thought it was a doodle by a kid
I sold the Mona Lisa to a pretty dodgy geezer
At a car-boot sale for a quid
I lit a bonfire with Lowry鈥檚 matchstick men
Recycled Warhol鈥檚 cans of soup
Van Gogh鈥檚 sunflowers are in the compost heap
Good Lord I鈥檓 a nincompoop
If I was Brian Sewell it鈥檇 all be cool
I鈥檇 be filthy rich, obscene
I could jet to the Maldives with Kate Moss
Like Topshop鈥檚 Philip Green
But I don鈥檛 know my Monet from my Manet or Gilbert from George
Consequently I am skint
But I am eco-friendly (鈥榗os I can鈥檛 afford to fly)
I鈥檝e got a tiny wee carbon footprint
And though I know I鈥檒l never recognise the value
Of a pickled shark or a Tracy Emin bed
I鈥檇 like to make a plea to Mr Banksy
Please oh please 鈥 could you paint my garden shed?
I'll be typing up this morning's poems in a one-fingered leisurely manner over the weekend as I have an urgent appointment with a large purveyor of CD's on Oxford Street. So they should be up on Monday!
Complain about this postWhere can I find a copy of the poem about the catalogue shopper, please? I only just caught it and I'd love my husband to hear it as he swears that I have shares in Lakeland!! Thank you.
Complain about this postI loved the poem about art & artists. I look forward to directing my friends to it when it is posted on the web.
Complain about this postCant wait for the poems, my partner is an 'artist' and I just dont get it, your poem really summed it all up, cant wait to read it to him. Thanks, made me laugh out loud.
Complain about this postElvis McGonagall is a very talented guy!
He has a fast brain - what version intel chip does he have in his brain? And when is he coming to ireland?
Complain about this postElvis McGonagall's fantastic poem read on Saturday 17th... Where in earth can I find it?!
Complain about this post