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A selection of lines from parliamentary sketch-writers.

Children, Schools and Families Secretary Ed Balls and his opposite number, Michael Gove took to the floor in a debate that touched on free school meals, Eton, future spending cuts and Carol Vorderman.

, not only was the debate about schoolchildren but the behaviour of the two main players resembled that of a pair of adolescents:

"As the questions were on schools, it was entirely appropriate that what we got was a playground fight, with the Speaker as the poor sod in charge of supervising break, who actually couldn't care less about the rights and wrongs of their scrap, or voices chirping: 'Sir, sir, he started it, sir!'"

, saying that the cabinet minister and his learned shadow opponent had the "maturity of toddlers fighting over a toy truck":

"'You keep refusing to listen!' moaned Mr Balls (are they married? I think we should be told). Then he announced: 'I think he should do his homework a little bit better.'
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"At which point Mr Gove snapped: 'I think it is you who will get an F for fail on this!'"

that the session was in sharp contrast with that which went before it - as Justice Secretary Jack Straw discussed the case of Jon Venables with his fellow lawyers, Tory Dominic Grieve and Lib Dem David Howarth in a non-political-point-scoring way:

"At one point he had to be asked by the Speaker to withdraw a silly allegation that his shadow, Michael Gove, was lying. Mr Balls did so in such a sullen way that the Tory benches immediately barked: 'Hah!'
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"Mr Balls: 'It sounds like they've had a large lunch and that was a large belch.'
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"Ew."

to being totally confused by the whole debate:

"They were, he and Michael Gove, each accusing the other of quoting misleading figures. We were all misled. But, as I have come to realise, it is what we are for."

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