The poor orphan Varney
I'm not sure who said "success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan", but I do know that there were a distinct shortage of people queuing up to clutch the Varney Review of Corporation Tax to their bosoms today. In his review, the former head of the Inland Revenue comprehensively dumped calls for a cut in Corporation Tax here to match the Republic's 12.5% rate.
No one was really expecting he'd say yes, but flicking through the report's pages I can't find anything in terms of alternative sweeteners. Sir David is being commissioned to carry out another review on how our private sector can be boosted. It may be that its publication time will be more propitious, coming in the run up to next year's US Investment Conference in Belfast, but on this showing don't hold your breath.
Sir David hasn't been put up for interview, nor has any minister from the Treasury who commissioned the report. So the Secretary of State Shaun Woodward was left to put the best gloss on the report. Here, gathering for a North South meeting, the Deputy First Minister and the OFMDFM Junior Minister Ian Paisley Jr. weren't prepared to comment ahead of the report's release (although by this stage Sir David's line on the tax cut was pretty well known). The Finance Minister Peter Robinson has decided not to speak until the Executive discusses the report tomorrow (although in a written statement he has described the Varney Review as "disappointing").
The review is 130 pages long so will need some detailed study (for example, I have some reservations about his use of the equation p = a + b1t + b2 g + gX on page 84). However if Sir David had recommended a slashing of local tax rates it's my guess we would have been beating some of these potential interviewees off with a stick.
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I have read many a government report in my day but this one takes the prize for least convincing and most confusing.
Having reached page 67 of 130 I am unable to see anyting I could agree with. The man who was responsible for the great success that is Revenue, Customs and Excise (yes the same body that lost all our personal details) seems more interested in defending the interests of the wealthy few in the South East of England than considering Northern Ireland's future.
It's the best case i have read all year for a United Ireland!
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The Varney report sounds like something Gordon Brown would have been proud to have written. "You're not getting a penny more, and I'm going to bore you to tears telling you why".
Just right too. I don't see why our businesses can't flourish under the same conditions English businesses do.
Anyway, we have known for quite some time that the PM hides the key to the cash drawer when Peter Robinson is within 200 miles of him, so lets just deal with it.
Now is there any chance of putting a scene in the Maze Screenplay where Mark Devenport is wielding a big stick beating the aforementioned people around their heads? Maybe hitting IP Jnr so hard he requires medical attention in Bobby Sands old bed? You could tell the DFM it's the ugly stick so he would run away in fear of being changed into a different species after a single blow. Peter Robinson would obviously consider himself immune to that tactic, so you would have to feign attack with your right hand, then deftly ruffle his hair with your left before quickly pulling his tie. He will be too cross to speak. You will then be left with Sir David. Just as you are about to interview him, he peels of his skin and reveals himself to be Gordon Brown in a Mrs. Doubtfire type disguise. So you hit him about the head for fun. THE END.
I think I should go for a lie down.