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Siblings and half siblings
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Message 1.Ìý
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
Do they feel any differently towards each other?
For example, a child has one full sibling and one half sibling. Does he feel the same bond with both of them? (allowing of course that siblings of any description can fall out, squabble, dislike each other all their lives)
I have one brother, same parents, so have no experience of this.
I'm interested because Merman was adopted as a baby, for good reasons that we understand and which I'm not prepared to discuss or disclose here.
We are now in contact with the son of Merman's birth mother and he is so warm and welcoming. He and his sister already knew about Merman before we established contact which has made things very easy. Their mother is alive and well, wants contact and we all plan to meet soon. Merman is up on the ceiling.
The other thing I'd be interested in, if anyone has the experience and feels able to talk about it, is meeting birth family for the first time after many years of separation. Obviously we want things to go well, but re realise it might not be all plain sailing.
Not everyone has a husband who comes with BOGOF mothers-in-law for his wife.
They seem very easy about it all. But I'm not sure how I would have reacted if a long lost sibling appeared on the scene. Maybe years ago I'd have resented it, being me, but now I'm older, I'd like to think I'd be as welcoming. -
Message 2
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
Memaid, I can't tell you from my ow experience. I was adopted and afaik there are no half or full blood siblings out there. Natural mother deceased. I am 99% certain it was a 'never darken my doorstep again' scenario from what I have found about out my grandfather. I had two great adopted ones so I was a fortunate child.
My grandson has three half siblings and, despite an age gap, or maybe because of it, they all get along well. The only sign of jealousy was from stepgd who maintained she should have known about her mama's preganancy before me!. She is his sister and I am only his grandmother!. And they don't bother with 'steps'; he is their little brother.
But this is a different time and such matters are more open than they were about the twists and turns of family history. Hope all goes well with the reunion. -
Message 3
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
I think it will depend hugely on what age the half-siblings meet (could be from the birth of the younger one, or some point in adulthood, or any time in between.) And then it will depend on the dynamics of the particular families involved, and also how they understand the relationship. If they're all brought up as part of the same family, I don't think it will make any difference how they relate to each other, whether they're full, half or adoptive siblings - unless the family makes it a marked difference, by treating one differently (Cinderella). If they grow up separately, then yes, I would expect a different relationship from growing up together.
Some will feel differently, others won't - pretty much like any other siblings. Some get on, others don't. If there's more than one sibling, I don't think anyone has exactly the same relationship with each of the others, which will vary again depending on age gaps, family dynamics, sibling order and so on. I have different bonds with my various cousins and second cousins, mostly because of how close or not we are in age, and how much time we spent together as children. I think it's fairly natural that I'm closer to the ones which are nearer my age and who lived geographically closer. -
Message 4
Posted by whitbyrose (U15069960) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
I have followed the story of Merman's search for his family over the past couple/few years and am delighted that it is looking so hopeful.
Over the years I have worked with many families where the children have different dads but have been brought up by their mum as one family and I havent perceived any difference from the mums or the children from families where everyone has the same set of parents in terms of love and regard.
I really hope this has a happy ending for him. What a fabulous thing to happen if it does. -
Message 5
Posted by Abby33 (U6428266) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
Two of my sons are half brothers to one if them. It is rather a different situation because they have been together full time from the births of the younger two and the extended families of both fathers treat the all the same and my husband always says 'our 3 sons' and so they have the same bond as brothers.
I should think that if both sides want to feel a bond then they will- I hope it lives up to expectations. -
Message 6
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
The 3 tedlets are all adopted. The 2 younger tedlets are half sisters (same birth mother, different birth father), and are not blood related to eldest tedlet.
All 3 tedlets love each other, and hate each other (sigh) equally.
Only eldest tedlet is old enough to 'legally' have contact with his birth mother, though she contacted him on Facebook when he was 16 (grrr), and has done so again since he turned 18. She told him he has a half brother and half sister. He doesn't consider these children to be his brother and sister, though he may do in the future if he meets them face to face. -
Message 7
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
He doesn't consider these children to be his brother and sister, though he may do in the future if he meets them face to face. Ìý
But if he does, it will inevitably not be the same relationship as with the other tedlets, with whom he was brought up. I think that is what makes the difference, not whether there is shared blood or not. Sharing blood may be the reason for them meeting in the first place, and it probably adds different expectations than if you were just meeting a new friend, but how they get on other that will be mostly down to personalities. -
Message 8
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
Absolutely, Bearhug. He isn't blood related to the other tedlets but they are his sisters.
He would never meet the others (if he ever does) if they weren't blood related, and I do think that places an increased pressure to 'get on well', but it doesn't guarantee that they will be friends.
My feeling that is Merman is more likely to achieve a friends type of relationship, rather than a brother type one.
Mermaid, has he considered talking to someone from an Adoption Agency before the first meeting? This may just point up a few things for him to consider that he may not have thought of in his understandable excitement. -
Message 9
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
My OH has one half sister who he was brought up with and is just his sister, he also has three step/half* sisters who he only met in adulthood and while they get on they're not like sisters to him (perhaps more a cousin-like relationship), there is also another half sister who he has never met (and most probably never will) so I don't know what their relationship would be because though it is blood that blood abandoned them both...
*step/half sisters, step sisters who were then adopted -
Message 10
Posted by La Bez (U14670366) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
I hope it all goes well for merman, good luck.
I think I'd be inclined to agree with Welshted that a relationship between siblings who meet as adults - even full siblings seperated for one reason or another as children - is more likely to be one of friendship rather than the one siblings develop if brought up together.
As to in general, I don't have (as far as I'm aware anyway) any half siblings so I can't speak from experience, but I'd have thought sibling bonds between half siblings very much depend on how they are brought up. It is liable to be different, for example, depending on whether they are brought up in the same home or not. A child living mainly with one parent is likely to have a different relationship with half siblings from a relationship involving that parent, who they live with on a daily basis, than they will with those from the parent they don't live with - especially if contact arrangements/distance mean that they don't spend extended periods of time living with them. -
Message 11
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
A child living mainly with one parent is likely to have a different relationship with half siblings from a relationship involving that parent, who they live with on a daily basis, than they will with those from the parent they don't live with - especially if contact arrangements/distance mean that they don't spend extended periods of time living with them.Ìý
Well, I can only say that my nieces have five half-siblings, and they are all considered as brothers and sisters. I'll be meeting this huge extended family at Easter (have always been in touch annually, anyway) and am hugely excited at the prospect. -
Message 12
Posted by NewCastleIndianaUSA (U10808100) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
I treat all my half siblings as my brothers/sisters. Only their vast age difference and geographical distance has been the key differences. One sister lives all the way in California and I've never been there. I've only ever been around her three or four times total. But we keep in touch fairly well.
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Message 13
Posted by Penstemon (U4429639) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
one my children doesn't have the same father but it doesn't make any difference whatsoever, we are just a family.The only difference is that my eldest no longer lives at home.
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Message 14
Posted by Spartacus (U14762542) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
It's quite complex, Mermaid. As you know I have a half sister whom I only met after our dad died. I also have a half brother (her full brother) who I have not met and who is (by her account and from the little contact I had with him) a waste of space.
I get along with my half sis quite well but can't imagine ever feeling the the kind of love I had for my full sister who I knew from a babe in arms.
Hope all goes well when Merman meets up with his lost rellies. For what it's worth my half sis and I think that meeting each other late on in life was a case of "better late than never" and we do keep in touch now. -
Message 15
Posted by Lucretzia (U5974342) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
Mr Luc discovered he had a sister (full, not half) who had been adopted at birth.
He is the youngest of 10 children and wasn't particularly interested in meeting this new sibling. Not sure why. She made a few stipulations before she'd agree to meet up ... no partners there .. and Mr Luc decided not to bother.
Some of the family did meet her. Mainly the females. Apart from his mother.She refused to acknowledge her existence. She hadn't actually wanted to put her up for adoption. Father maintained contact until his death. I think he had actually wanted her adopted so I'm not sure if guilt played a part in both the parents attitudes to her turning up.
Only a few have remained in contact.
She hasn't been to any family functions that I've been to recently. Wasn't at the funerals of her parents.
I'd say it hasn't been hugely successful but everyone is different.
Good luck with your meeting! -
Message 16
Posted by JennyDarling Long Gone (U250754) on Saturday, 5th January 2013
Mr Luc discovered he had a sister (full, not half) who had been adopted at birth.
He is the youngest of 10 children and wasn't particularly interested in meeting this new sibling. Not sure why. She made a few stipulations before she'd agree to meet up ... no partners there .. and Mr Luc decided not to bother.
Some of the family did meet her. Mainly the females. Apart from his mother.She refused to acknowledge her existence. She hadn't actually wanted to put her up for adoption. Father maintained contact until his death. I think he had actually wanted her adopted so I'm not sure if guilt played a part in both the parents attitudes to her turning up.
Only a few have remained in contact.
She hasn't been to any family functions that I've been to recently. Wasn't at the funerals of her parents.
I'd say it hasn't been hugely successful but everyone is different.
Good luck with your meeting!
Ìý My ex husband remarried, fostered 2 girls then adopted them. They don;t live anywhere near my 2 children, but have had contact right from the start, but not often. I don't know whether my son and daughter regard them as sisters, their upbringing and life in general is very different from the two girls, who have always been very difficult and lawless. -
Message 17
Posted by Schez (U2212013) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Pretty much what Bearhug said, really, plus some of the others.
If you more or less grow up with half siblings or they come into your life early on, the feeling has to be different from meeting someone for the first time as an adult.
It is lovely to hear that the newly discovered siblings are so welcoming, but it will be like meeting any other adult for the first time, and they may find they get on well or maybe not. Because of the blood relationship maybe there would be more willingness to get on, let's hope it all works out well for all concerned. -
Message 18
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
One of my children is a half sibling to her 2 brothers. My OH's 3 sons have two half-siblings. They have all lived with their half-siblings and make no distinction at all.
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Message 19
Posted by The Giddy Kipper (U10918464) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
>Not everyone has a husband who comes with BOGOF mothers-in-law for his wife.<
I have. We made contact with my husbands birth mother and family about 3 years ago and with his birth fathers family about 8 months ago. I think in some ways we are fortunate, or maybe better to say its possibly easier, that on his mothers side there are no siblings, or even cousins. This puts a bit of pressure on him to be marvellous, as he is it, but there areno complicated relationships or the possibility of jealousies etc with other children.
We have been incredibly lucky in that everyone has been just wonderful and welcoming and undramatic, and we have just all merged together as a family as if we have known each other forever. We have just spent Xmas with his birth mum. But I realise how lucky we are.
So I have no advice about siblings really, the husband has cousins on his dads side who are very excited to be in touch with him, but would maybe say that, other than advising anyone to do the process properly through Social Services and prepare for all possible outcomes, id say that I think it's important to be know you are a new person in people's lives and that you have some responsibility for being gentle with their feelings. As soon as you make contact it is no longer all about you, and I think it could be easy to upset or dissapoint people by misjudging or ignoring the other persons expectations. If that makes sense.
The other thing that has amazed me about seeing the husband with his mum is just how ridiculously alike they are; not just physically but in mannerisms, likes and dislikes etc. they can't see it but I find it fascinating and hilarious. -
Message 20
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
just how ridiculously alike they are; not just physically but in mannerisms, likes and dislikes etc. they can't see itÌý
I'm seeing that re OH and his (much) older brother - yet they shared very little childhood. -
Message 21
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
There were five of us (now four), and the youngest is a half brother. We have the same mother.
I certainly think of him as my whole brother but I'm not entirely sure he doesn't feel a bit separated from the rest of us, which is sad. -
Message 22
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Well, I can see that numbers are involved, and 1 against 4 (now three) must be daunting. In my own family, there are two siblings plus 5 half siblings, so rather more balanced - and decent relationship between the parents has helped.
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Message 23
Posted by Abby33 (U6428266) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
The other thing that has amazed me about seeing the husband with his mum is just how ridiculously alike they are; not just physically but in mannerisms, likes and dislikes etc.Ìý
That is what I find so amazing-I would have thought that they would have come about by living with the person if I didn't know better through personal experience. -
Message 24
Posted by whitbyrose (U15069960) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Linking to Giddy Kippers post 19 i remember how when Kate Adie found her birth family that she said that they had always said "doesnt Kate Adie look like granny?" when they saw her on the tv.
Kind of related my brother has the same mannerisms as my grandad who died when P was quite young so not learnt behaviour. There is such a lot of nature as well as nurture in us all. -
Message 25
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Yet so many people try to deny this.
My sons who are full brothers have a half-brother they had no contact with as children. They found each other at adolescence. The half-brother had loads in common with one of my sons but nothing with the other.
My sons (full brothers) have things in common with each other but are also very different. -
Message 26
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
MAny thanks for all your replies - too many to answer individually.
You've confirmed what I thought, that it's sharing your childhood and upbringing that counts. Although my brother and I haven't been geographically close and so haven't met as often as other families, when we do meet, we just carry on where we left off. (We get on very well.)
Meeting siblings as adults is a very different matter as the only immediate connection is genetic. Interesting comments about little similarities, gestures, interests, etc..
We were well aware that her current family might not know about Merman (as it happened, they do) so we were very, very careful in our initial approach. I won't go into details, but I wrote a very careful letter that wouldn't have caused her any awkwardness should anyone else read it who didn't know. We are very concerned not to upset any existing relationships in her family and we've made that clear in our exchanges with Merman's brother, who is looking forward to meeting us. He really is making us feel so welcome.
One special mention - Giddy Kipper of the BOGOF MiLs - so pleased to hear about your experiences. Hope it continues well for you all. -
Message 27
Posted by The Giddy Kipper (U10918464) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
>Yet so many people try to deny this.<
It's certainly made me reassess what I think about nature/nurture. And I wonder whether, if you live with a parent, some of us are more likely to try and not be like them whereas if we do not grow up with them we have less compulsion to be 'individuals'. I have no similarities to my parents regarding things we are interested in, or even the way we think about things. Though the fact my husband is closer in age to his birth mum than I am to mine, or he is to his adoptive parents, might make a difference too?
But I am still constantly amazed at the little things; eg they both have a habit of filling a toaster with bread, regardless of how much toast they actually want AND leaving the unwanted toast in the toaster...... so in some ways it has made me less convinced he does stuff purely to annoy me rather than that being the way he is...... -
Message 28
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Love your toast story, Giddy. I'll sit back and observe when we meet the family.
One thing that has occurred to me - it possibly depends on the ages of the siblings when they first meet. Merman is 69 and his siblings in their late 40s. All old and mature enough to understand and accept the situation and the circumstances of Merman's birth and being sensitive to other people's feelings and emotions. For teenagers or young adults it could be more difficult. Although I suppose it just depends on the individuals.
I'm rambling. Back to knitting, I think!
We wonder if any mother and child have gone longer than 69 years before finding each other. It's an awful long time. -
Message 29
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
All old and mature enough to understand and accept the situation and the circumstances of Merman's birth and being sensitive to other people's feelings and emotions. Ìý
Yes - but some people never reach that level of emotional maturity, whatever age they reach. And it is likely to be a situation with a whole load of expectations, which may be conflicting for different people involved, and people won't necessarily react as others (or indeed, themselves) expect. So just because everyone should be able to handle it, it's as well to be aware that it may not happen as everyone expects/hopes. From what you've said, it should go okay, but it's best to be prepared, just in case. (Prepare for the worst, hope fo the best, I think is the phrase.) -
Message 30
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
From what you've said, it should go okay,Ìý
There's a lot passed between us and Merman's brother which I won't say here as it's very personal, which indicates that it will be a happy situation all round, but I take your point, Bearhug. Thanks. -
Message 31
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
< BOGOF MiLs >
When I got married I had 2 MiLs and 3 FiLs, though 1 FiL I only met a few times by accident so I don't normally count him, I also inherited 4 grandmothers and a grandfather. It seemed very odd as I only had my mum, an aunt and an uncle from those generations (OH had loads, including great aunts and uncles). -
Message 32
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
I can't compete with that, DKB! -
Message 33
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Kipper. I'm not sure that we can always recognise the similarities between ourselves and our parents. Fortunately.
It can take others to observe these.
I can even recognise the similarities between parents and children by things ML posters write. And that's without having met them.
The posters are blissfully aware of any connection. Most of us have little insight about ourselves. -
Message 34
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Sunday, 6th January 2013
Middle tedlet's personality is very like mine (I am also a middle child), and she has been similar to me since we had her at 18 months. Little tedlet is very like my younger sister in personality and incredibly like my sister's daughter (who is the same age) in mannerisms and ways of speaking, even though we only get together about once a year!!
Neither of those can be down to nature!! -
Message 35
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Thursday, 17th January 2013
Just to say that communications with New Family are continuing, very warm, welcoming and friendly. We hope to be meeting before long, but there are unfortunate complications their end which make a delay necessary. We're all looking forward to meeting each other. -
Message 36
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Friday, 18th January 2013
We have exchanged photos. Very clear resemblance between siblings and mother. It's really incredible and it's like being in a dream. -
Message 37
Posted by whitbyrose (U15069960) on Friday, 18th January 2013
It sounds like it is all coming together so well WFM
It is so interesting isnt it Welshted. We have 2 children now 25 and 24, the elder, a boy is a total fusion of his dad and I with all our good and bad traits. Our daughter from the time she was tiny has been very different to the rest of us but she has a lot of traits of both her grandma's and also of my husbands sister which I think is a combination of nature and nurture. I suppose son is too but the nurture factor sometimes seems stronger with him than with his sister. You would never think they had been brought up together by the same parents and are so close in age.
Im sure I have said before that my brother has loads of physical traits the same as our grandad who died when my brother was in his teens. -
Message 38
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Saturday, 2nd February 2013
Update if anyone is interested.
Assorted emails between us and brother.
But best of all, yesterday Merman had a wonderful letter from his mother.
We will be meeting soon and are planning a family get together for Merman's 70th birthday in a few months.
Merbaby is still trying to sort out how she's suddenly got a Great Granny. -
Message 39
Posted by whitbyrose (U15069960) on Saturday, 2nd February 2013
So pleased for you all. It is good to hear that there can be such a happy ending.
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Message 40
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Saturday, 2nd February 2013
Thanks.
But even better still, we've spoken on the phone today with mum who called us this morning out of the blue and with brother later in the day. Hard to believe it all. -
Message 41
All this user's posts have been removed.
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Message 42
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Saturday, 2nd February 2013
That's what we're discovering, much to our delight, even when they haven't grown up together. -
Message 43
Posted by redhotlady (U14317310) on Saturday, 2nd February 2013
That's what we're discovering, much to our delight, even when they haven't grown up together. Ìý This has been a fansinating thread , I'm so pleased things are turning out well for you and Merman . -
Message 44
Posted by LindaLee (U2777941) on Saturday, 2nd February 2013
Very pleased this is working out so well for you and your OH, Mermaid.
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Message 45
Posted by ayrshire-cowman (U2259898) on Sunday, 3rd February 2013
I always wondered how step families got on- my fathers grandfather had seven children by his first wife - she poor thing died aged 34 and he married again and had another seven to the second wife ( who lived to 85).
All the first family seemed to leave home as quickly as possible and ended up all over the country ( and abroad), as well they might with the house full of more children.
However they did all seem to get on well - keeping in touch , and the next generation of multiple half cousins did the same.
There were obviously wide age gaps. -
Message 46
Posted by Mermaid the Knitter and Bear Restorer (U15064923) on Friday, 8th February 2013
We will be setting off shortly to meet Merman's mum, brother and sister. (140 mile drive) -
Message 47
Posted by whitbyrose (U15069960) on Friday, 8th February 2013
proof that dreams can come true
Very best wishes to all of you on this momentous day. -
Message 48
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Friday, 8th February 2013
How exciting! Hope it all goes really well.
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Message 49
Posted by Lucretzia (U5974342) on Friday, 8th February 2013
How exciting!
I hope all goes well. -
Message 50
Posted by LindaLee (U2777941) on Friday, 8th February 2013
Hope this very special day is all that you wish it to be, Mermaid!
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