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Eddie with radio colleagues

Hodgkin's Lymphoma diary

´óÏó´«Ã½ London presenter Eddie Nestor was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma - cells in the lymph nodes that have become cancerous - in February this year. Here he writes about his diagnosis, treatment and recovery.

Week 16

This diary feels like Friends Reunited or something. I'm reading messages from people I havenâ€™t seen or spoken to in years and from people dear to me that I have lost contact with.

It is fantastic and oh so humbling. How can you feel anything but positive when you are the recipient of so much love?

Yes I do still get down but I only have two more chemo sessions to go. Then I have so much work to do. I have always wanted to become a mentor, to help youngsters. The last time I went into a prison it was to open an art wing at Pentonville.

Eddie with Eartha Kitt

I was embarrassed by how many people knew me in there and how many times â€œEddie Nestaâ€ was shouted along the corridor. I must do what I can to help. I have to get one of those police check thingies done and if I pass we will see what we can do. I have also got to try and raise some money for cancer research. [Someone was telling me the other day that by 2016 cancer will be like diabetes] Look at me I go from one extreme to another. â€œYes Eddie you can do all these things and more but first you need to concentrate on getting better.â€

Sorry I got carried away. But that is the thing once you stop feeling sorry for yourself, you just feel like there is so much to do. That you have come face to face with your mortality and life isnâ€™t actually all that bad.

Just two moreâ€¦just two more.

My taste buds have gone crazy. The spicier the food the better. When I came out of hospital I was 11st 3lbs I got on the scales this morning and I weighed 12st 10lbs.

My tummy has come back and everything. I am blaming my mum and the fact that with cancer your taste goes a bit funny so everything needs to be spiced up. It is terrible I have been trying to eat healthily, smoothie in the morning and all of that but I have also been eating all manner of sauces, apple crumble, pizzas, the works.

Food and music have been cheering me up. Only two to go.

I have purposely avoided writing this diary on the Thursday before my treatment because it is much more difficult to keep upbeat.

Do you want to know something strange? I feel sick as soon as I step into the hospital. Isnâ€™t that weird? Before they have stuck a needle in or poisoned me or anything, I just feel sick. I cant be the only one to feel like that when I get to the hospital car park but then again looking on the bright side there are only two more to go/

Thanks for your ideas on relaxation and positive thought. Please keep them coming in and I will do my best to try them all.

Week 15

Sitting here feeling sorry for myself so thought I would put pen to paper, so to speak, and get on with something useful.

Just coming out of another chemo head and have to admit that physically it has not been as bad as some but mentally it has been worse than most. I am talking about it more though, hoping that it gets the negatives out of my head.

One of the things I have realised is that just as I have got myself into a positive frame of mind I have to go through chemo again. But there are only two more and then my rehabilitation truly begins. So much to be thankful for, so much to celebrate, I just need to get to where I can appreciate it.

Tuesday was a shocker, Jane Tomlinson a woman diagnosed with terminal breast cancer seven years ago, a woman who had raised Â£1.7million for cancer charities finally lost her battle for life. She managed to achieve so much and inspire so many in those years my thoughts go out to her family and friends. The reality is though that more and more people are living with the condition and for them it is not terminal that we need to take comfort from that.

I thought I did so well last week not to mention my mum going back to St Lucia. But wow I miss her. My weight is sure to go back down to what it was before her arrival. There were so many times when she would cook for me and force me to eat when if were on my own I just would not have bothered.

She calls every day on those Call Mama cards you get. Happy to hear from her but it makes me sad when she says bye. What a saddo I am aye crying for my mum. I donâ€™t care, I miss her. I have only just realised how much time I spend on my own. I know it probably seems longer because on the bad, sorry healing, days I am obviously not working but I will have to work out something positive to do whilst getting back up to speed.

I just spent some time looking at the diary responses and wow what a lift that is. In fact that is what has given me the encouragement to do the diary today. I am interested to know what different people do to wind down. To take the strain off. I am hoping my "mind stress" is just temporary but what do you do to relax?

How do you take your foot off the gas. Do you have something that works for you. Is there a secret.Ìý Because I would love for you to tell me so I could try it. Please let me know â€“ a bath, a candle, gardening â€“ whatever I would love you to tell me.

And talking about stress I am scheduled to return to work this Thursday and Kath has just called to say that our bosses would really love for drivetime to come from Walthamstow on that day as part of our â€œOn the Road Tourâ€, but only if I felt up to It, no pressure.

Of course I should have just said no but in reality maybe I should get them to read this diary so they know they have only succeeded in giving me something else to worry about.

Week 14

I am sorry but I delayed writing this week's diary in order to tell you about an event I attended this week in honour of Nelson Mandela. I was excited and scared because I have not been out since I found out I have cancer. Weird, I know, but even though I have been invited to events I have just concentrated on getting better.

Eddie and wife Lisa

My chemo is every fortnight and it is basically one good week, one bad so that eliminated some things straight away but the opportunity to honour one of the great men of our time was not something I wanted to pass up. And anyway my wife needed a night out.

Mind you we nearly didn't make it. On the Saturday before the event she was stung on her top lip by a mosquito. And wow did it swell up. She looked like a cartoon. And yes I did lie to her. "Never mind baby .It doesn't look that bad." How come we get mosquitoes in England anyway? I thought they were in hot countries and we have hardly had a blazing hot summer this year have we?

Thankfully, the swelling went down, my worries about going out were set aside, and we made our way, suited and booted, to the Dorchester hotel where we mingled with the stars. And though I wasn't able to move around in the way I would have liked we had a brilliant time and the food and entertainment was fantastic. It is nice to go out; I don't know what I was worrying about. I guess somewhere in my mind I thought that sick people didn't go out. If you have cancer you stayed at home and hoped that you got better, that people, who knew, would not think I was really ill if I turned up at "a do."

It is funny how things turn out. A woman came up to me at the on the night and introduced herself. Well, no, actually she did not introduce herself. She asked me how Walthamstow was. I told her that I had moved uptown to Wanstead and we had a laugh. She then said that she had read the diary and found it touching. That kind of thing always puts me on the back foot. I am honoured that any one would read about my troubles. Then she said it, I didn't expect this at all. She said I am going through the same thing. Now when you go to these events you have lots of light conversations with lots of people. But you probably only have one or two which, you will remember and it was obvious that even though we had not even got to dinner this was going to be my "meaningful" conversation.

It was breast cancer and she recognised all the self doubt. She was with her husband and we just got into this cancer talk. It was like we had something in common. I told her it would be alright, that she should not worry too much, and that a positive attitude would help. All the bloody things that I wish I could tell myself. It is only now through some of the comments I have read in this diary and the people I have talked to since being diagnosed that I truly understand there are so many people living with cancer and so many survivors.

Week 13

There were a few things I forgot to put in last week's diary which seem really important now.

One is how hard it is to find a vein in my {bloody} arm to give the chemo and how much it adds to my dislike of every other Friday.

Five times it took last timeâ€¦five different times having to take myself off to somewhere magical by putting myself in a trance like state.

I hope the nurses do not think I am rude but it is all I can do not to get up and run out of there.Ìý I donâ€™t really have any alternative though, do I?

Eddie with Vanessa, Kim & Kath

After the infection, I cannot/will not have a picc or Hickman line, so I have to be a pincushion. Luckily enough we did it in two this time, which seemed like a dream.

I remember when it was a drama to have a blood test, oh how little did I know way back then!

Stress is a weird thing and affects different people in different ways.Ìý My wife, who I am in pains not to forget during this whole experience, is now suffering from high blood pressure - not good. Not at her age anyway, but you can hardly tell someone not to worry can you?

Well you can I supposeâ€¦tell them the news is good and to focus on all the positive things even when you yourself cannot.

You can tell them but you cannot make them do it.Ìý In a strange way, although I know we are closer, I also have a greater appreciation of the things we now choose to hold back from each other.Ìý

To tell others for our defence and protection.Ìý I had a chance to talk to Sarah, the senior sister on the Medical Day Unit, she was keen to know how I was doingâ€¦ know how I was really doing!!Ìý So I told her I was hating every living moment of it.Ìý And although the physical side was causing me concern, what I was really worried about was my mental stability.

I worry about everythingâ€¦.even worried about worrying.Ìý She told me that it was more common than I thought and that it was not uncommon for people to come back to the unit after being given the all clear swearing they could feel all sorts. That the mental scars were totally understandable and that, like anything, in time, they would pass.

Makes so much sense doesnâ€™t it and though it hasnâ€™t, in the short term, stopped me from worrying it has at least let me know that I am not going crazy.

last updated: 10/04/2008 at 15:39
created: 22/08/2007

Have Your Say

Bobster
Hi Ed - I am writing this msg as if writing to an old friend. I only searched your name on the web to see what you were doing after leaving your sunday show. I immediately assumed you were going to go on a TV show (even though you haven't a face for TV) and bigger and better things. I was stunned to learn of your illness. I did wonder why you were off the Radio (I am a irregular listner to due work commitments) and again made some wrong assumptions. Like many people on this blog, I think you are one of the most honest and fair talk show radio broadcasters I have ever listened to, and my only complaint about your weekday show is it only 2 hours long. Wish you all the very best Eddie. Get better soon.

Ben (of Barnes fame!)
Just a short but sweet message to you Eddie. Wishing you a speedy recovery to full good health & long may it last. Also keep up the good work, but don't overdo it.I will surprise you and Kath one day and give you a call on air, although the subject will have to be very close to my heart for me to do so.Stay healthy!Ben

John Dunne
Eddie,listening to your show on and off over the year, I never even new you were ill!! you have held it together fantasticly. Good luck,long life.

Sonia
Dear Eddie, I love listening to your show. Good luck with your treatment. You are in my prayers. Keep strong!!

lara omoloja
Dear EddieI am sitting on my bed typing this email and just stunned. I am stunned because I was in search of your email address to respond to a comment made by one of your guest this morning.. I think her name was Petula. I remember this because you said it was a funny name. Thats what I like about you though, you are never afraid to say things that most of us only dare to think. .. Anyway, the reason I was stunned is because I couldn't believe that you have been living with this life threatening illlness. You are one brave chap, still keeping up with your show with so much energy. Its good to know that there are brave men out there.Anyway, re Petula. I wanted to know why you didn't challenge her on a point she made. You asked her what her belief was, she said she was a Christian, but not a born again Christian. I find it strange that you let that one go. ,,why? because, to be a Christian is to be a follower of Christ. Plain and simple. To be a born again Christian is no different. I am rather bothered by this because Petula lacked the knowledge about Christianity and displayed it in her response. I am bothered also because, many of your listeners who know nothing about Christianity may have been confused by her response. So for the record, A born again Christian is one who has been saved by the Grace of God through faith in Christ. I believe people should know this because so called born again Christians are perceived as 'extreme' Christians. Like everything in this world , sure there are people with extreme views but no true follower of Christ will tell you that they are not born again and if they do, the alarm bells should start ringing.I hope you will get better Eddie but I also hope that you will search for and discover faith in Christ for yourself. Next time someone like Petula comes on board, at least you can challenge that statement. I know you are good at that:)All they best. You and your family will be in my prayers. Lara

Cllr. Jeremy Zeid
Hi Eddie. As promised... Enjoy.RegardsJeremyInstructions for giving your cat a pill1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. Instructions for giving a pill to a dog:-1. Wrap pill in bacon2. Make dog beg

Ria (Prento)
I had to leave something.......u probably dont realise.......but u've already done mentoring (without even knowing it).....throughout my teens u were one of the only adults i could rely on....much love to you and the Mrs...x

Jeremy Zeid - the noisy Councillor from Harrow
Hi Eddie, bloody hell, you have had a right old time. You just get yourself well and keep telling it like it is on the show.From this end of the Radio, you are still firing on all cylinders.If I could, I'd lend you a vein, you can't miss mine and my arms look like the map of the Northern Line.Wish your family well too, and get your Mum to make a good hot pan of Jewish Penicillin, Chicken soup with lokshen (vermicelli) and kneidels (matzo balls)(Ask Vanessa, she'll elaborate).I'm sending an e-mail about giving pills to cats, that should get you laughing.

Lizzie
Hi Eddie/LisaIt is humbling of both of you to let your friends and the public share a small part of this journey with you both. Your diary is inspirational. I hope you can continue to be positive and know that God is with you every step of the way.God bless

DON WILKS
GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED WITH YOUR RECOVERY,MAMA KNOWS BEST.

Gary
Ed, The love round hear is unreal.(that's a good thing). When you're well enough for the fund raising. you can count me in for some of my hard earned. Take care

Aston Jones
Anytime your ready to start or arganise an event ( mayor of london !!!! ) include me brov.I've just had my forth treatment, looking forward to the scan thank's to you and shearing your experienes. I would like to say Thank's to all the staff at St thomas and Guy's for helping me to sail trough this ( it seem's at time's ).

Deb from Ruislip
Hi EddieOnly two to go, keep up your courage and celebrate when you have the last one. You are always in my prayers. just love you and Kath and am so happy when I tune in and I here you doin your stuff. Just hurry up and get well Ed and love to you and your family xxxxxxx

Maggie Mayes
Wishing you well and love the show. Miss you when you are not on. Take care and be as strong as you can, hang in there

priti
hi eddie . i have been listening your drive time show for a while now. i admire the way you have coped with your ilnness and have through your diary made the journey with you. your writing have been inspirational and refreashing.you make me laugh whenever i turn on the drivetime show iam waiting for your arguments. speedy recovery. be strong and always be happy no matter what.

Mandi
I met you several years ago after a Posse show with my then partner Tony Felix. Tony is celebrating over 10 years of remission from the very same cancer you have now. He faught hard and won, he laughs now about how he forgets all about check ups and the hospital need to remind him that he was once very ill. He always remembers how precious life is and what really matters & although fundamentally changed for ever, the cancer is well & truly history! This too will pass Eddie. Sending you love & healing from Bethnal Green!try this as a mantra: 'healed, healthy & whole'Mandi xxx

vennette thomas
EddieI read your diaries and hope that you recover. I have recently lost my brother 21st April 2007 died suddenly SAD (sudden Death Syndrome) only 38 years old. The whole family deveasted but makes you realise life is short and you are long time dead. Enjoy life - I lost my father to cancer of the stomach 29th June 2004 that was tough he was only 79 years young. Stay positive you are still here. I love listening to your show on a Sunday morning, keep up the good work. Cut your wife some slack with the cooking..MUM knows best. I miss my brother and Dad would do anything to bring them back so stop worrying and start living and Thank god that you are still here to tell the tale and help other people. GOD Bless you.

Marcia (Harlesden)
Hi Eddie, when you finish your chemo you must celebrate. When I realised that my chemo sessions were almost at an end I decided that I would have an end of chemo party. Firstly I danced around the room with the nurses, brought in caribbean fruit cake (with plenty of rum) and myself the nurses and the other patients had a little party, not only did it feel good but I got a little bit tipsy. Eddie however you decide to celebrate the end of your chemo sessions we are only as ill as we make ourselves feel. I know you won't give in or give up Eddie, Love.

samantha (e18)
Big respect and greetings Eddie. i pray for your swift recovery so you can keep making me laugh. I breathe a sigh of relief when i switch my radio on at 5pm and hear your voice. stay strong and remember the lord wont give us more than we can bear! One love. x

Jill
Take a walk in Wanstead Park - the earlier the better - its really relaxing and beautiful. Keep hanging in there Eddie, only 2 more to go. With love.

Pauline (Tower hamlets)
I will never feel sorry for myself again - after reading your diary I feel inspired to focus on my ambition and strive to fufil them. I'm a shy retiring type not very good in groups and have not acheived anything sucnificant in my life apart from having my daughter. Today is a new day.... Hope is the key and support from your family and friends are vital. Positive thinking always helps - never give up your an inspiration eddie.

scottish dave
Loadsa luv Ed. It's so cool that you do your job as usual leaving us to have to remember you're ill!

Darren (formerly Walthamstow)
Keep it going there Eddie. My girl went through the whole cancer roller coaster this time last year. We always knew when chemo wore off cos she would crave a hot curry or a fry up!! She is doing well now as I am sure you will be very soon. All the very best to you and your family.

Francine (London)
Strength, courage, love, and positive energy is what I wish for, and send to you.

Tony
Hi EddieI would certainly recommend yoga and meditation as a way to calm the mind and body. As is the way with these practises you need to find a form that works for you.However I practise Transcendental Mediation which is very effective , as you are not being forced not to think while mediating, more to accept the quiet voices as stress release which over time will go or be less frequent.All the best Tony

Sue (Chelsea)
Hello Eddie, As a naturally stressed person, I have found that, for me, the most effective way of relaxing is with deep breathing - known as abdominal breathing - it's a bit complicated for me to describe, but I'll have a go: when you breathe in, you use your abdomen which you push out, say for the count of three; then you release the breath by drawing in your abdomen swiftly and remaining in that position for the count of six. It's best to do this whilst lying flat on your back with your knees drawn up and slightly apart. But you can actually do it anywhere - I find it useful if I have to wait in a queue or for a bus. Anyway it's a suggestion.Love, Sue

Sharon Goodison
Hi EddieI've been following your progress and am happy to read that it is indeed that - Progress As a magar child my mother always used to say to me 'Pana Chicken pray fe life, him no pray fe fedder, once life if there fedder will grow'. I'm using my powers to aid you to full recovery. Abolish all negatives - cos 'what a man thinketh so is he'. Each and every night force yourself to Picture yourself, completely normal and living life to the full. Your mental images should have no reference to you RECOVERING - it works like this the word 'recovering' references that you must have been ill and are getting better. You must see yourself better. See yourself running around like a mad-man, doing dances, on holiday (not going on holiday), In south Africa for the 2010 world cup (not going to SA). It's hard at first, but with practice, the images of you living a healthy long life will consume your every thought and before you know it, your dreams do become a reality. I am living my dream by keeping in mind that famous saying by W. Clement Stone -"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."Stay well.Love Shaz

Faz
Eddie Hang in there!! You are definitely an inspiration!! I am at week six in my treatment and I read your diary in order to get some focus!! Thank you for writing it!!!

Penny Ward
How to relax? At work I get to stare at the Thames during my lunch break. Highly soothing. But otherwise it's singing. Singing on your own, singing in a folk club, singing with a group or choir. It's immensely relaxing and cathartic to boot.

Rashmi
Eddie- when I feel stressed I meet my friends and lean on my family. I whine a lot and they absorb :) Maybe you could call friends home, eat good food ( takeaways are always good) and watching a ridiculous comedy is also a stress-buster. Sending you lots of good karma via the internet for a complete recovery. Hugs.PS: You are missed - a lot- on the airways. Kath and you are the best!

victor Martinez
Its all going to be cool....you stick with it.

Katie Manuell
Eddie, stay strong, you're doing so well. I find there are two ways to relax and destress depending on how strong I feel. One is to invite my 2 closest friends round for an evening, they bring nibbles and desserts and we chat about random things, not cancer, and watch trashy movies. After they've gone I always feel happy and relaxed. The other, for those times when I need my own space - a blackberry bath bomb from Lush (beats the blues) my favorite music and clean duvet, pyjamas and sheets to snuggle in to. Turn the phone off, put some chill out music on - for me it's classical - and relax in the bath!Hope it helps, keep going!!Katie

patrick sullivan
hi eddieyou write as you sound on the squawk box - honest funny and challenging. I've missed your dolcits recently and now know why. I cannot honestly say that i understand what you're going through - it must be scary as hell but i do wish you well and hope you have a speedy recovery. We all take our mortality for granted and expect to live to a ripe old age so we're shocked when this stuff comes knocking on our door. you remind me of an old goat eddie, cantankerous but wiley and very tough. I truely hope your trauma passes soon and you can get back on the radio where all aurgumentative old so and sos should be.

John
Eddie, my mom contracted breast cancer. But, they think they got it in time and only a part of the breast may be removed.She's in good spirits. I'll be there for the operation, offer my support.We'll be thnking of you as well...from all the way across the Atlantic.Get well Eddie!!! You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Jean
Hello Eddie, have only just heard that you have not been well. Sending you my love, hoping your treatment doesn't have too many ill effects and wishing you a quick recovery.x

Tina
Hi Eddie, just heard you've not been well, just wanted to send you a "Get Well Soon" message and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Shani
Hi EddieSomething I will always remember is 'Friends are like stars, you dont always see them but you know there always there'.No day goes by without you being in my thoughts.x

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