大象传媒

鈥淚'm Maura Campbell.

I was born with the social skills of a used teabag.鈥�

鈥淭hat鈥檚 how I described myself at the 大象传媒 Ouch storytelling event at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe last year.

I'm now 50. Six years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a form of autism. Like many women, this came after the diagnosis of my son, Darragh.

If it wasn't for this, I'd have gone through the rest of my life unaware of why I felt different.

As a child I'd felt as though everyone but me had been given a manual on how to behave around other people.

I was more comfortable around pets. Because I performed well academically and masked my anxiety, I flew under the radar.

People assumed I was just shy.

When my autism was identified, it felt like taking off a corset I didn鈥檛 know I鈥檇 been wearing.

I understand now that I have a brain that processes sensory and social information differently from most other people.

I can take better care of myself by managing my social energy and avoiding sensory overload. I have found a sense of identity.

Women do not need to fear a diagnosis - it may help explain so much. Whether to disclose it is, of course, a personal choice.

I am living the life I want to live.

I have an interesting and rewarding career in Northern Ireland's civil service alongside supportive colleagues who accept me as I am.

Since Edinburgh, I've continued writing about autism and disability and had several articles published. I've co-authored a book along with some of my autistic sisters from around the globe, some of whom have become close friends.

Most importantly, my diagnosis has enriched my personal relationships and made me a more confident mother.

Darragh and I have a special bond and he makes me proud every single day.鈥�

鈥淜eep scrolling to meet six other women who - like me - only found out they were on the spectrum when they reached adulthood.鈥�

Interviews by Lucy Edwards

Cambridgeshire, 28 years old, PhD student

鈥淚鈥檓 carrying out PhD research at Anglia Ruskin University into autistic females who may go undiagnosed.

Women and girls often have a natural drive to fit in socially, and so the symptoms they present with aren鈥檛 stereotypically 鈥榓utistic鈥�.

They can be more compelled to make friends - and so they learn to mimic non-autistic people.

For example, they might find making eye contact difficult. I know I did.

I鈥檝e learned to count it out. I will look away for a few seconds and then back.

I鈥檝e watched people carefully and studied psychology to degree level to get me to the point where I can now act quite naturally.

But learning that social repertoire has taken me many, many years.

When I was diagnosed, it explained quite a lot of separate things in my life that weren鈥檛 working out.

When I was younger, I had this really deep and rich fantasy life where I would just imagine situations. I would spend all day in my own world.

I couldn鈥檛 play with other children. I was absolutely useless at trying to get into the imaginary games of others.

At school, I suffered from depression and mental health-related issues and from the age of 14 I was taught at home.

During my A-levels I developed quite severe mental health problems and bad depression and anxiety.

Doctors focused on the depression, rather than thinking about a possible autism diagnosis.

At one stage they thought I might have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Looking back, that was quite frustrating.

I think it鈥檚 a gender bias. Girls are better socially and so can be diagnosed with BPD rather than autism.

I thought going away to uni would fix things. I went to York to do psychology. I made friends, but never really attended lectures.

The academia was never a problem, it was the way I鈥檇 go about my learning. I鈥檇 be hyper-focused on one project - for days - and would need a lot of time extensions.

It鈥檚 the same today with my PhD.鈥�

鈥淎fter several months of seeing her, she suggested I may have Asperger鈥檚. It was from there that I worked at getting my diagnosis.

I鈥檇 done my dissertation on the condition and I didn鈥檛 think it was something that females - someone like me - could have.

Getting diagnosed gave me relief.

I now realise loads of women and girls have gone through - are still going through - exactly the same thing as me.鈥�

Greater Manchester, 26 years old, performer

鈥淚 genuinely thought I was an alien.

It sounds silly but that was the only thing my childhood brain could comprehend.

When I was a baby people thought I was deaf. But I wasn鈥檛 deaf, I just wasn鈥檛 paying attention.

Then as a toddler, it was like I was always thinking logically and the other kids were just being reckless.

Why would I want to get splinters up my bum from a wooden slide in the playground?

I got bullied badly in school. I guess people saw me as an easy target.

It wore me down. In class I always felt I had some kind of learning difficulty - some kind of mental blockage.

When teachers put me on the spot and asked me questions, my brain totally shut down. It needed extra time to process what they were saying.

I only decided I needed to find some sort of diagnosis when I got my teaching qualification from university. I just thought, 鈥業鈥檓 sick of this. I know there is something wrong with me. I need to find out.鈥�

I paid 拢50 to see if I had dyslexia. During the test the educational psychologist said I wasn鈥檛 dyslexic, but I did have dyspraxia [a condition affecting physical co-ordination].

She also said my results suggested I could have autism. That鈥檚 what gave me that extra incentive to get tested. I finally got diagnosed when I was 22.

Now, the majority of my friends are on the spectrum. It鈥檚 just easier that way.

I joined a creative group led by people with mental health issues. They ran comedy workshops - and that鈥檚 what got me into performing.鈥�

鈥淒oing my stand-up, I don鈥檛 feel as awkward as I do talking to people socially. It feels really natural to be up there performing.

I don鈥檛 have to talk to anyone specifically. I am talking at people. I think that鈥檚 the difference.

I鈥檓 not constantly thinking, 鈥榃hen can I chime in? When is my time to talk? Would it be rude if I said this?鈥�

I take my dogs on stage. They give me extra comedy material.

I also feel calmer being able to stroke them while performing.鈥�

London, 40 years old, teacher

鈥淭o be honest, I don鈥檛 really have any friends. People that I call friends are those I鈥檝e met through work or on a Facebook group. But I don鈥檛 have any actual friends who I would go out anywhere with.

I don鈥檛 like people coming round my house. It鈥檚 like my little sanctuary. It probably sounds a bit weird.

My husband鈥檚 quite sociable and gets on with everybody - so he鈥檒l go to parties without me. He lets me know they鈥檙e happening, but leaves the decision up to me. Ninety-nine per cent of the time I won鈥檛 go.

He used to get upset when I refused to go - but now he knows I鈥檓 not rejecting him. I just know I can鈥檛 put myself in a situation where I鈥檇 be very uncomfortable.

Both of my children are autistic. My daughter was diagnosed when she was 13. My son, who鈥檚 15, got diagnosed when he was four.

I鈥檇 been reading up about Asperger鈥檚 ahead of teaching an autistic child at school. I realised the characteristics sounded a lot like my son鈥檚.

He鈥檇 be on the carpet at school upside-down and facing the wrong way - not looking at people. The teachers didn鈥檛 think he was listening but he was taking it all in.

Over time I felt like I really identified with him. I could really understand his thoughts and I started to think, 鈥楳aybe I have Asperger鈥檚 as well?鈥�

I would misinterpret things at the primary school I worked at. I was making mistakes because I didn鈥檛 get it. I got to a real low point.

That was when I decided to get an autism assessment. I got the diagnosis in early 2012. It was a relief.

鈥楴othing is wrong with me, I鈥檓 just autistic,鈥� I thought.

From then on, I could understand why I struggled with social situations and why I couldn鈥檛 make and maintain friendships.

I started to accept myself as I am - because I hadn鈥檛 done that up to that point.

Where I grew up, I was the only mixed-race person I knew. It was a white working-class neighbourhood.

People obviously knew my mum was black but they didn鈥檛 know what that made me.

I didn鈥檛 know what I was either. I was made an outsider because of my race.

My mum鈥檚 from St Lucia in the Caribbean and when I went there they didn鈥檛 know what to make of me either. I wasn鈥檛 a black person to them. They used to call me 鈥榶ellow girl鈥�.

I think St Lucia is now starting to realise there are autistic kids - and that being autistic is not a bad thing. It鈥檚 taken a long time - they鈥檙e kind of where we were here in the UK about 20 years ago.

But even here, some communities are still struggling to identify and understand autism. That鈥檚 the experience from mainstream students I鈥檝e taught, as well those with autism.

In some cultures, parents try to hide it because they don鈥檛 want their child to be seen as different.

In 2014 I started offering autism talks and training.

I wanted to help parents and children understand it鈥檚 OK to be autistic.

There鈥檚 nothing wrong with having the condition - it鈥檚 just how their brains are wired and how they see the world.鈥�

Fife, 35 years old, psychologist

鈥溾�楾here鈥檚 no way I can be autistic and a clinical psychologist,鈥� I thought.

鈥業t鈥檚 incompatible because autistic people don鈥檛 have empathy.

So if I鈥檓 autistic it means I can鈥檛 be empathic.鈥�

That鈥檚 the level of naivety I had at that time.

I had a bit of a light bulb moment one day in a lecture theatre during my psychology training. We were being taught about different conditions - including autism.

I thought, 鈥極h my gosh that sounds really like me. That is really freaky.鈥�

But some of it didn鈥檛 fit.

We weren鈥檛 told about how it presents in women. We weren鈥檛 shown the diversity between the sexes.

I think there鈥檚 a great desire in girls to be social, and autism diagnoses are often based on male traits.

So girls and women say, 鈥楴o. I don鈥檛 have many issues with wanting to be social. And no I don鈥檛 like car engines.鈥�

By saying that, they鈥檇 lose points on the diagnostic measures.

There were missed clues when I was younger.

I went to high school in the US, and so some of the quirky traits that make me 鈥榤e鈥�, were not seen as being odd or bizarre.

They were seen as belonging to the Scottish girl - culturally attributed rather than individually attributed.

I also love fantasy fiction. I used read and read and read. I got lost in The Lord of the Rings. I would dress up as an elf. I went to Comic Con meetings.

That was my way of escaping.鈥�

鈥淢any of the autistic people that come to me have a lot of trauma. That trauma is from living in a neurotypical world, where they鈥檝e been forced to be something they鈥檙e not.

I don鈥檛 see it as therapy because it鈥檚 not treatment. I see it as developing life skills.

It鈥檚 a process of developing trust. We just hang out with the animals - they鈥檙e like safe brokers. It鈥檚 not hugely grounded in theory, it鈥檚 just human experience and it works.

I was diagnosed at 32 - three years ago - and it has completely changed my life, and my identity, for the better.

I now have more self-acceptance of why I do the things I do. Autism provides me with a number of gifts and talents.

And so to erase the negative of something would also mean I take away all the positives.鈥�

West Midlands, 27 years old, works with people with learning difficulties

鈥淎s a teenager, I couldn鈥檛 work out what was wrong. I felt out of place and teachers labelled me as 鈥榥aughty鈥�.

You get to the point where you don鈥檛 think you should be on the same planet as everyone else - because you can鈥檛 understand anyone and they don鈥檛 seem to understand you.

It鈥檚 like a spaceship has come down, dropped you off as a baby, but given you no idea what you鈥檙e supposed to be doing.

I got my diagnosis when I was 22.

My mum started working at Sheffield Adult Autism and Neurodevelopmental Service.

One day she came back with a big stack of books and said, 鈥業 want you to read them because I think you鈥檝e got this.鈥�

I soon thought, 鈥楾his is me. Everything that has happened to me - this explains it.鈥�

At first my doctor told me I had borderline personality disorder (BPD). And also, 鈥業t鈥檚 just depression, it鈥檚 just anxiety - take these tablets.鈥�

But when I did get my diagnosis, I still felt no-one around me understood or wanted to understand.

I looked at other people with really good jobs and nice cars. I thought, 鈥榃hy can鈥檛 I do that? Why do I have to keep getting ill and quit jobs?鈥�

I still tried to force myself into full-time work in call centres. I just couldn鈥檛 do it. The bright lights and the noise - the sensory overload.

Now, I work with people with learning disabilities.

My partner's a barber. He knows a lot of people. He鈥檚 got loads of friends and customers. He鈥檚 in a band as well.

There have been social occasions when I鈥檝e panicked and had to go home. I just find it difficult to go around a room and say hello to lots of people.

But now he always tells me what鈥檚 going to be happening in good time. Plus who鈥檚 going to be there and the start and finish times - so I can mentally prepare.鈥�

鈥淚 just find it so interesting. I end up spending hours and hours looking at pictures of them. It鈥檚 mainly brutalist, mid-century buildings - the really ugly, imposing ones.

I also think about the sociology. How people used to live and how communities were formed.

I do have a couple of friends but as I鈥檝e got older I鈥檝e lost interest in making new ones.

At school I didn鈥檛 feel very connected to people, I felt stronger links to the bands I listened to - they were my friends. I know that sounds a bit weird.

The music has been through everything with me, whereas people just come and go.鈥�

Derbyshire, 23 years old, studying for master's degree

鈥淚 got diagnosed just over a year ago - when I was 22. But it was at secondary school when I first thought I might be autistic.

My brother was diagnosed with autism when he was five and he attended a specialist school. I鈥檇 seen bits of his behaviour in myself, which made me wonder.

I think that in some cases, females learn to mimic behaviours to get them through life.

I think that sometimes, autistic girls copy social behaviour better than boys do, which is maybe why they aren鈥檛 diagnosed as early.

I鈥檝e completed my degree and teacher training at Derby University. I am currently doing my master鈥檚 in inclusion and special educational needs and disability (SEND).

While on a teacher training school placement, my mentor spotted some aspects of autism in my behaviour.

For example, sometimes I would take things too literally, or I would sit on my own in the staff room and not socialise.

Back at uni, my lecturers said they鈥檇 picked up on similar things - so I went to get diagnosed. I paid 拢50 and the university paid the rest for a three-to-four-hour appointment with a psychologist.

When I received my diagnosis, I felt it explained a lot, which was good. However, I feel that having a label has both benefits and downfalls.

My autism mainly affects my sociability and expression - and I also have high levels of anxiety, particularly when there is change to my routine.

I tend to get obsessive over things like TV shows. I can watch them for hours and know the script by heart. I also have to pre-plan what I鈥檓 going to say and don鈥檛 like to be interrupted.鈥�

鈥淚 get a taxi to and from classes as public transport causes me anxiety. I can claim back expenses on printing paper and ink as I hate reading things on a screen.

I also get specialist mentoring support to help with any worries and to work on my interview skills.

It was good to tell the other people on my master鈥檚 degree course that I'm autistic. There are only about five of them so I felt comfortable explaining. I wouldn鈥檛 have told a large class, like the 80 or so people who were in my undergraduate class.

I want to become a lecturer eventually and it would be wonderful if that was here at Derby.鈥�