It was now or never. I knew if I didn't seize the opportunity I wouldn't do it. And that little horror next door just had to go. I was sick to death of his simpering expression, the way he was forever staring into our garden, peering into our living room. Never doing a damn thing, nothing useful anyway, just standing there with that smug know-it-all look on his stupid face. I'd had enough. Things were fine until they'd moved in. We'd always got on well enough with our previous neighbours. They were quiet, polite, friendly and always willing to give a helping hand. But not this lot, oh dear no. They were something else. Rude, noisy, radio always turned up full blast. Football forever bang, bang,听banging on the fence. Swearing and shouting. But worst of all was this ghastly creature. Norman. Our little treasure they called him. Little treasure indeed, little monster more like and all the time staring in at us sneering at us. Dumb insolence they used to call it in the army. Well, I'd had it. And there'd never be another chance like this. My Lucy was away for the night. She'd have been horrified if she had known what I was planning. Wouldn't have let me do it. Said I was paranoid. Live and let live and all that rubbish. Paranoid. Me of all people! I'd been preparing for weeks. Sharpening the axe to a razor's edge out in the shed. Just waiting for the right opportunity. And here it was. A moonlit night, house all to myself and that unsuspecting little toe rag just waiting for the chop. And not before time. Oh he was there alright. I'd peeked through the curtains earlier and there he was. Staring in at our window as usual. I needn't have bothered to look really. It was always the same, day after day.听But not any more, I'd settle his hash once and for all. I let myself out of the front door and tip-toed into the next door garden. Already I could hear the thump, thump, thump, of their radio. Typical! Oblivious of everyone but themselves. Serve them right. They'd never hear a thing in that mindless racket. Their side gate was open. I knew it would be, always was. No idea these people. The clouds were casting deep shadows in the moonlight, the brisk autumn breeze making them flit across the rooftops like giant bats. Perfectly calm, my pulse steady, I had rehearsed it a hundred times in my mind's eye. But now I had to leave the safety of the black void between the two houses and risk all in the open ground across the lawn. I paused, still in deep shadow. Yes, there he was, just where I knew he'd be. Staring in at the brightly lit windows of our living room. Right. This is it you nosy little brute. I shifted my grip on the long hickory-smooth handle of the woodman's axe and waited for the cloud to cast a mantle of cover across the lawn. It seemed to take forever and my heart was racing now, a physical hammer blow that must surely wake every dog in the neighbourhood. At last, the garden was plunged into darkness. Taking my courage and the axe in both hands I hurled myself across the few yards to my quarry. I could barely make out his dim figure as I lifted the weapon high into the air and swung it in a well rehearsed arc towards the base of his head. As I did so the moon reappeared momentarily and I could see that simpering expression on his stupid unsuspecting face. Suddenly I experienced a twinge of remorse but it was too late. The blade made contact with a sickening splintering sound. There was more resistance than I had anticipated but the well-honed edge won the day.听The head parted company with the torso and sailed lazily through the air to land in a nearby clump of bushes with a dull thump. Time seemed to stand still as the body stood there for a lifeless moment before toppling slowly to the ground like a slow motion re-play. It was over. The deed was done. I hurled the axe over my fence to be retrieved later and ran back the way I'd come, heedless of the noise I was making. The panic had well and truly set in now and by the time I reached the sanctuary of the living room, my heart was racing dangerously. With shaking hand I reached for the whisky bottle and sat in the armchair waiting for the panic to subside and the police to arrive.听I knew they'd come, it was just a question of when. During my headlong flight from the scene of the crime, I'd seen the twitch of curtains in the house across the road. It was that nosy old bat in number twelve. Damn her eagle eyes! If I got away with this it could be her turn next. Oh yes. They'd come all right. But I didn't care. I'd done it and I'd do it again whatever the consequences. And I don't care what Lucy says, I'm not in the least bit paranoid. I just can't stand garden gnomes! There is a sequel to this tale. The police did come. I knew they would and they did arrest me, for wilful damage. But I didn't get a sympathetic caution as I'd expected or even a token fine. Instead..., I can hardly bear to tell you..., they've sent me to a remand gnome! | 
