A monologue for a 40ish actress Well, at least it's quiet for a few minutes.ÌýNice to have a sit down for a bit. Who'd be a woman? 'Specially at Christmas.ÌýGoodwill to all men.ÌýHuh! What about a bit of goodwill to all women?ÌýI don't know which is worse - holidays or Christmas.ÌýBoth as bad as one another, in my opinion.ÌýWhat is it about families being all together?ÌýFraught, that's what it is.ÌýPeople reckon there are more family upsets holiday times than... Oh, no - he's off again.ÌýGerald!ÌýGerald!Ìý Dig your father in the ribs, one of you.ÌýI don't care which one of you does it - just do it.ÌýThat man has the loudest snore... Thank you. I tell you boys something.ÌýI'm not doing it next year.ÌýOh, dear me, no.ÌýOh, I know he meant well. 'I've booked this caravan, love. Nice and big. Six berth. Couple of weeks at the seaside.ÌýDo you good.ÌýMake a nice change.'ÌýChange?ÌýThat's a good one.ÌýMuggins here'll still have to do the cooking, the washing and the ironing. Absolute misery, it was.ÌýRained ten days out of the fourteen. My idea of a holiday is not being stuck in a caravan with a teenage daughter, two growing lads, and a nine-month old baby with teething problems.ÌýNot to mention Gerald. Come to think of it, I'd rather not mention Gerald.ÌýRight bundle of fun, he was.We'd only been left home ten minutes and he was off.ÌýSusie started to cry. Well, she couldn't help it. 'Can't you stop her?' he said.ÌýHe kept on grousing and moaning for another half hour. 'Pull into this supermarket,' I said.Ìý'They've got a baby-changing room in there.' 'Good idea,' he said.Ìý'See if you can swap her for a quieter model.' Men! Forty-eight, forty-nine weeks of the year they're out of the way.ÌýThe poor little woman has to put up with all the family illnesses - schooling - household chores.ÌýIf that isn't a full-time job... 'Oh, mum, I'm bored.' 'Mum, I've got nothing to do.' As if it was my fault it rained most of the holiday. And then there was Hamish.ÌýWe should have put him in kennels.ÌýWell, I mean to say, labradors are big dogs.ÌýAnd when the weather's hot and humid and he gets wet - well, he does begin to pong a bit in a confined space. Oh, no - here we go again. Give him another poke, Jamie.ÌýNot in a minute.ÌýNow.ÌýRight now.ÌýAnd you can give that game a rest for a few minutes. It's bad for your eyes. Hamish!ÌýYou're too close to the fire.ÌýYour belly'll be red-hot. You'd better shift him, Harry.ÌýDon't moan. I don't ask you to do much. (SIGHS) This family.ÌýNever lift a finger, any of 'em. (PAUSE) Dear Gerald didn't even help with the packing.ÌýNo, wait a minute - I tell a lie.ÌýI'd very nearly finished.ÌýI asked him to pack my book for me.ÌýI'd mistakenly thought I might be able to read on holiday.Ìý"Where should I put it, Barbie," he'd said. I told him - anywhere in the cases where he could find room. And d'you know what he'd packed?ÌýAn Argos catalogue.ÌýVery interesting reading, that. Most enlight-ening. (PAUSE) Oh, no.ÌýNot again. Jamie, go upstairs and tell Amy to turn that noise down.Ìý She'll wake the baby. She must've played that record fifty times since she woke up this morning.ÌýYes, I know. I know I bought it for her.ÌýGo on.ÌýDo as you're told.ÌýAnd Harry, you'd better take Hamish for a...(BARELY AUDIBLE)...walk.ÌýNever mind, 'Oh, mum.'Ìý I know.Ìý I know it's cold outside. (PAUSE) Well, that's your fault. You've been stuffing yourself ever since you got up this morning.ÌýI don't know where you put it all, I really don't. And don't keep whinging. Miserable little toerag.ÌýIf you're going to be sick, be sick.ÌýEither throw up, or shut up... Look.ÌýLook at that dog's eyes.ÌýCan't you see he's asking.ÌýYou want W-A-L-K-I-E-S, don't you, Hamish? No, Harry, I am NOT taking him.ÌýYou are.ÌýI've been slaving over a hot turkey all morning... Oh, you're in the land of the living, are you?ÌýI've got no sympathy for you.ÌýNo-one forced you to drink half a bottle of brandy.ÌýCup of tea?ÌýIf you want a cup of tea, you can jolly well go and make it.ÌýYou're big enough and ugly enough... Harry!ÌýTake that dog for a walk.ÌýOh!ÌýAll right, Hamish.ÌýDown boy. Now you've got to take him.ÌýHe knows every word you say, that dog.ÌýAnd put on your thick anorak. And your welly boots.Ìý And when I say a walk, I mean a walk.ÌýNot to the front gate and back.ÌýA good, long walk.ÌýHe's a big dog.ÌýHe needs exercise.ÌýAnd when you get back, take your wellies off in the porch.ÌýI don't want wet footmarks all over the hall carpet... SFX: DOORBELL Oh, dear.ÌýHere we go.ÌýThey've arrived.ÌýMy brother-in-law, his wife, and their five screaming kids.ÌýThey'll have the place upside down in five minutes flat.Ìý(A HEARTFELT SIGH)ÌýMerry Christmas. |
