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16 October 2014
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Pat Storey
John McAndrew

I'm the short fat baldy Englishman with a Yorkshire accent, and if that's not enough I also sing Beatles songs to myself. Yet another blow in.
I also write plays and letters to newspapers.

If and If Only by John McAndrew

Joe's Bar, off Exit 30, Interstate 4, Florida . November 2000

Side by side in the liquor store

sat George Dubya Bush and Big Al Gore.

鈥淒ubya 鈥榯ween you an' me an' that swing door,

hell no one gives a damn - no more.鈥

So set 鈥榚m up Joe. Si Si Senor .

鈥淵ou know Big Al, I can't ignore

the public's kinda tired of electoral law

an' I gotta admit, that I'd plump for

a toss of a coin, an' one less encore鈥.

So set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senor.

鈥淵ou've got a deal, we played a draw,

and I prefer peace, I prefer rapport.

So Dubya Bush, what are we waiting for

A big silver dollar?鈥 鈥 鈥淵up 鈥 an' the press corps.鈥

So set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senor.

So up went the dollar, it fell to the floor,

rolled around, and out the swing door.

They looked at each other, and both knew the score.

President Bush or President Gore.

So set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senor.

鈥淗ey, Senor gentlemen, I hate to bore,

but both you gentlemen I feel sorry for.

So return to your stools I do implore,

an' hear my philosophy. It's all I ask for!鈥

OK set 鈥榚m up Joe. Si Si Senor .

鈥淗ere there ain't no power, but there's no trap door,

ain't no interns, but there ain't no war,

ain't no big bucks, but there's no fatal flaw,

Sure, winners take all, but we losers have more.鈥

OK set 鈥榚m up Joe. Si Si Senor .

鈥淲hat in heck does he mean, that a metaphor?鈥

鈥淎llegory, Dubya, named after me Al Gore.

You wanna know the gist, the apple core.

Here the sun don't shine but the rain don't pour.鈥

So set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senor.

鈥淟et me get this straight, we exit that door,

forget the election, forget the score,

forget the White House, Mount Rushmore .

Why, he must think we're from Chickenscraw.鈥

So set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senor.

My philosophification, Senor, is no jaw jaw;

It's Saddam first and then a star war,

Then Dubya Dubya III and Dubya Dubya IV,

And when we've kicked ass, we'll kick some more.

So set 鈥榚m up Joe. Si Si Senor.

鈥淪o its one for the road and then one more,

then listen Big Al, our feet walk the floor,

We pick up the coin and its Bush or Gore,

An' its out of town on Interstate 4鈥

So set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senor.

So they had their drink and they had one more,

And headed towards a now revolving door,

But they slid horizontal and started to snore,

And in came the snappers from the press corps.

Hey set 鈥榚m up Joe . Si Si Senors.

Postscript [ if only]

鈥淢y fellow Americans from shore to shore,

it's true I know I'm kinda saddle sore,

but when my country calls I can't withdraw,

No more I'll live in Hope, Arkansas .鈥

We set 鈥榚m up Joe. Si Si Bill .


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