What Really Happens During An Outside
Broadcast?
by John McMenamin
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Geraldine, Sean and Gerry
Go early to their bed
And the Sandman, sprinkles sweet dreams
Into each sleeping head.
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Geraldine, dreams of sunny skies
A holiday of fun
Wee Sean, dreams of golfing fame
At last a hole in one.
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Gerry, dreams of many things
Iside his weird wee head
I can't say what he dreams of
It's before the watershed.
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Three alarms go off at 6 o'clock
In the trios sleeping house
Gerry's and Geraldine's are digital
And Sean's is Mickey Mouse.
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Geraldine, makes the sandwiches
And wraps them up in foil
The tea, comes in a vacuum flask
It's made by Mrs Coyle.
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Gerry, brings the little buns
From a bakery in the Strand
Hugo's buns are cheap imports
And made out in Taiwan.
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The three meet at the studio
To load the little van
Gerry, says his back is sore
God, he's a lazy man.
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So, in then go the amplifiers
The headphones and the mics
Postmen shout, "Hello wee Sean!"
As they go by on bikes.
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Wee Sean, drives the small white van
It's from the 大象传媒
Geraldine, hunkers in the back
Or sits on Gerry's knee.
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Wee Sean drives down a one-way street
Gerry's peering at the map
Geraldine sees it's upside down
And the three get in a flap.
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Then, they drive into a carpark
And the equipment is set up
A woman, looks at them suspiciously
As she walks her little pup.
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Inside a darkened cottage
Old Jordie combs his hair
He's thinking of the little doats
Who will assemble there.
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A canine sits beside him
While he shines and buffs his shoes
"Aye nice wee doats", he mutters
"Nice wee doats - and booze."
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Gerry checks the levels
The readings are quite low
Wee Sean, taps the microphone
And shouts, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!"
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At half past nine the crowd drift in
And stand around like sheep
Wee Sean runs away to hide
With one athletic leap.
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A farmer, lifts his auld torn cap
And scratches at this head
"Are you sure that's Gerry Anderson?"
I thought yon boy was dead
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The show begins at half past ten
As the rain begins to fall
Sean, is dragged out from his hiding place
Behind the toilet wall.
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A break, comes at eleven
While the nation hear the news
They eat their tea and sandwiches
And Jordie hits the booze.
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Then Gerry, grabs a farmer
And says, "Sir what's your name?"
The farmer can't remember
And shouts, I'm gayin' hame.
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Old Jordie, give an interview
He talks of pigs and goats
But all the time, his sly wee eye
Is checking out wee doats.
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By twelve, the show is over
The trio load the van
Wee doats, are running screaming
From a wild-eyed countryman.
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Off they trundle down the road
And Gerry shed a tear
"Don't worry Gerry" wee Sean says
We'll be back again next year.
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They pull into a lay-by
To have a cup of tea
A credit to the nation
A credit to the 大象传媒.
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