How To Give A Cat
A Pill
Supplied by our friends at the unofficial website
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook
of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy
pill.
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4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
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5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
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6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat.
Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
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7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.
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8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to
lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with
pencil and blow down straw.
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9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful
to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid
to partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap
and water.
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10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door
onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fg
cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
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13. Tie the little bd's front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining
table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to
wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to
drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order a new table.
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15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat
from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any
hamsters.
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How to give a dog a pill
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1. Wrap it in bacon. (or raw mince).
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芦
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