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A wheelchair user's survival guide to pub toilets
27th January 2010
Your average able-bodied person assumes that 'disabled loos' in pubs are the height of hygienic spacious privacy. But how wrong this can sometimes be. Comedian and wheelchair user Laurence Clark gives us the benefit of a lifetime's experience of these locked-away special hidey holes ...
Back when I was a student, I gave pride of place on my bathroom wall to a framed poster showing every pub toilet in Liverpool – both gents and ladies. Neatly arranged in columns were photos of over a hundred of these dank, smelly, highly inaccessible cess pits. I decided to make it a personal mission during my three years at university, to conquer each and every one of them.
Poor balance and alcohol have never been a good combination for me at the best of times, however. And while this wasn’t a problem on a night out if I was able to stay sitting down, it would suddenly become a real issue if I ever needed to stagger out of my chair and tackle an inaccessible pub bog.
One common strategy used by wheelies when drinking in a pub with a toilet that's impossible to access, is to order spirits all night long - the neater the better. But although this low liquid intake approach to bladder control will enable you to minimise the number of times you need to spend a penny throughout the evening, you'll very likely wind up in a pretty ugly state the next morning. It is not recommended.
Alternatively, you could choose to go to pubs with a certain well-known fast food chain outlet nearby, since they can usually be relied upon to have an accessible loo. I only ever venture in to use their toilet and nick their straws, since I can't stand the food. Using up their resources without giving them a penny in return, is my small attempt at anti-globalisation activism.
The various disgusting states in which pub toilets are left in can also be a big issue. For example those featuring filthy grab rails and puddles of you-know-what on the floor. On one memorable occasion years ago, I slipped in a toilet cubicle and fell forward into a kneeling position. I spent the rest of the evening making up implausible excuses as to why I had wet knees. Even the best chat up lines in the world couldn't rescue me from that one.
One way to avoid slipping and falling over is to pee sitting down. However being both somewhat well-built, and having less than perfect balance, has gained me quite a reputation over the years for accidentally breaking toilet seats whenever I plonk down on them.
I was once on holiday in Botswana, staying at someone's house quite literally in the middle of nowhere, when I managed to split their wooden toilet seat in two by merely sitting on it. To make matters worse, this was very probably the only toilet seat within a 50 mile radius. Fortunately, the personal assistant who was travelling with me at the time happened to have a rather large behind, so the owner automatically assumed that she was the one who had broken the seat. But since they were too embarrassed to broach the subject with her and I never owned up to my crime, I got away scot free.
I was once on holiday in Botswana, staying at someone's house quite literally in the middle of nowhere, when I managed to split their wooden toilet seat in two by merely sitting on it. To make matters worse, this was very probably the only toilet seat within a 50 mile radius. Fortunately, the personal assistant who was travelling with me at the time happened to have a rather large behind, so the owner automatically assumed that she was the one who had broken the seat. But since they were too embarrassed to broach the subject with her and I never owned up to my crime, I got away scot free.
Of course, nowadays more and more pubs have accessible toilets ... or as they are more commonly thought of by pub landlords: handy storage cupboards for smelly mops and buckets which can occasionally double as a bog if some stroppy wheelie threatens to sue.
I once asked to use an accessible loo in a bar and was told they couldn't unlock the door because they'd lost the key. Once I'd kicked up enough of a fuss, it turned out they'd had the key all along but the entire room was stacked high from floor to ceiling with crates of alcopops.
When I finally got in, after they'd considerately cleared a path to the bog, I felt morally obliged to stash a few bottles away in my bag. I don't even like alcopops!
I once asked to use an accessible loo in a bar and was told they couldn't unlock the door because they'd lost the key. Once I'd kicked up enough of a fuss, it turned out they'd had the key all along but the entire room was stacked high from floor to ceiling with crates of alcopops.
When I finally got in, after they'd considerately cleared a path to the bog, I felt morally obliged to stash a few bottles away in my bag. I don't even like alcopops!
But my all-time scariest experience involving a pub toilet happened a few years ago in Glasgow. I opened the door of the accessible loo to discover I'd disturbed a couple having sex on the floor.
Rather than feeling embarrassed and getting out of my way, they instead shouted unintelligible abuse, locked me out and carried on where they'd left off. Since I really desperately needed to pee, I went and got the bouncer to forcibly evict them.
They weren't very happy to say the least and I spent the rest of the evening looking over my shoulder, convinced they'd be coming back to get me.
Rather than feeling embarrassed and getting out of my way, they instead shouted unintelligible abuse, locked me out and carried on where they'd left off. Since I really desperately needed to pee, I went and got the bouncer to forcibly evict them.
They weren't very happy to say the least and I spent the rest of the evening looking over my shoulder, convinced they'd be coming back to get me.
In conclusion: It would be nice every once in a while to throw caution to the wind by going out and getting hammered. However, the reality of the situation is that wheelchair users still need to do a bit more forward planning if they want to enjoy a night on the tiles.
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Comments
I was taken out for a meal at a local; golf club. There was a sign proudly proclaiming 'Disabled Toilet', I though I would be fine, but when I need to have a pee, my wheelchair could not fit through the doors, even if it had done I would not have been able to shut the door, it was far to tiny. Perhaps it referred to the 'toilet' being disabled. How do they get away with these things?
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Re: the bowling alley - I used to work in one, and we used to do that.
Mostly because it stopped people taking drugs and having sex in there.
We got far less complaints and far less hassle doing that and telling everyone we saw who might need the disabled loo what was going on, than we did when it was always full of used needles and condoms.
Plus, when people did need to use it, it was actually safe.
And, frankly, being mean to staff about disabled loos is stupid. It's generally nothing they've done, or can change. If you must be horrible to someone, try the manager!
My worst one was the guy who peed on the floor in protest, and then found it totally unreasonable to be arrested for doing so. I mean, in a bowling alley full of children?!
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I just love the fact that you have to have some sort of super extra arm length, and mega upper body stregth to get the wrteched doors open (then shut behind you).......
Like many others, the number of disabled loos that are unaccesible - the Starbucks in Norwich which has a 6 inch entry step before the disabled loo - and no, they have not the staff available (even if you could catch their attention) to get a ramp for you.
And the amount of disabled loos that are either their for their staff to use for 'number 2's' or for storage of baby chairs, cleaning equipment etc....
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Being a full time electric wheelchair user and a person with newly diagnosed coeliac (with chronic diarrea) it seems that accessible toilets have suddenly become more of an obsession with me.
Use a RADAR lock - by all means - but just remember, if you lock the door using a key that no-one but the manager has, how annoying it is for an adult to have to ask permission to use the toilet. It brings back memories of "Please Miss, can I go to the toilet?". If we are going for the equality slant here - why not lock the non-accessesible toilets too! And try making an assualt course out of the cubicles and urinals and see how others like that! I bet there would be more complaints then!
In my opinion the only truely "accessible" toilets are the "changing places" toilets - and there are precious few of them. Oh how I wish that all accessible toilets were up to this standard - having a hoist would mean my PAs wouldn't have to manhandle me onto the loo and back!
And don't talk to me about French toilets - I made the mistake of not doing proper research before I went to France - they don't have the seperate unisex toilets but ones that are integrated into the male / female toilet block. Very inclusive you might think - but not if you are a female travelling with 3 male PAs!! It made for a very difficult and uncomfortable (and, needless to say, embarassing) holiday!!
My personal bugbear are the so called "accessible portaloos" - accessible for who? I use an electric powerchair - but even a friend who uses a small manual chair couldn't go to the loo with the door closed - PAs who would normally be sent away had to stand guard duty to cover the crack (or gaping chasm) left while trying to use the loo with the wheelchair in the cubicle too!!
My current situation has left me longing for someone to come up with the next peice of essential adaptive technology - a wheelchair that transforms into a toilet! Something that would robotically open a pre made flap in your trousers, retract a lid in the cushion to uncover a commode type affair which has its own smell neutraliser and an automatic bum wiper/ bidet -so you could just press a button do the biz whereever you are, without having to go and find a key to a far from accessible toilet, without risking life and limb (of you or the PA), without having to stop what you were doing, and no-one would be any the wiser! Hmm, I wonder if I could get on Dragons Den with that?!
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Love this blog!
Big shout out for the following accessible khazis:
Paddington Station - awesome & the waiting room is a nice touch.
Cabot Circus shopping mall-thingy, Bristol - hoist & everything
John Lewis Kingston - like everything else in JLP, just right.
Hang your heads in shame:
Clapham Junction - fetid hole
M&S everywhere - fine & dandy if you have a RADAR key but expecting customers to ask for access otherwise? Please.
Bristol Bus Station - new station. Accessible loo locked. But not RADAR-able. Why?
Get a RADAR key. It will improve your quality of life. Fact.
We need a Rough Guide to Accessible Toilets. Seriously.
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The barmaid and I looked at the baby's high chair, me confused, and she with growing embaressment. I'd actually asked if they had a wheelchair accessible toilet, she said yes and marched me off to see it (I was just asking so my boyfriend could decide whether it was worth getting out of the car or not). I suppose in the mind of a busy (or is that dizzy) barmaid wheelchairs, high chairs, baby changing facilities are all mixed up in one trifle of slightly off the wall things that 'crazy west london types' might ask for. But it was embaressing for both of us to retreat from the high chair, agreeing that it would not provide my wheelchair using boyfriend with any kind of useful service.
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I have urinary incontinence and have to wear incontinence pads all the time. I agree with the state of some of the disabled toilets that are in absolutely abysmal states. It's not just pub ones that are jokes.
Some of them are so inconsiderate when it comes to thinking about people with incontinence issues.
Firstly there is the people around you that look at you weirdly when entering a disabled toilet, I even had one person tell me that I didn't look disabled.
I presume she meant that I didn't look like the stereotypical image that is printed on the toilet of someone sitting down in a wheelchair.
I hate people like that, that believe the only disabled people in this world are those in wheelchairs, and discard the fact that the majority of disabled people are not in wheelchairs. I'm autistic (Asperger's and ADHD).
Then when you go in some disabled toilets you find that their is no incontinence pad bins. An assumption by the toilet owner that no-one with incontinence will use their toilets (or is it an assumption that people with incontinence will use the baby change room, which would be even more embarrassing for the person with incontinence).
By far the worst toilets I've been in for this were the ones in Stratford Upon Avon, it seems in Stratford they don't get many people with incontinence issues visiting the city, as technically your not even allowed to enter the park with incontinence (there are signs stating no urinating in the park - well if you've got incontinence what are you supposed to do? Ok guess this is my Aspergers taking the signs way to literally, but it is an issue of bad sign writing and careless thought about people with disabilities).
Last time I visited Stratford the main toilets didn't have any incontinence waste bin in them, this and the signs at the park are more proof that Stratford hadn't even considered for one second that people may have incontinence issues.
The most considerate place I've found for people with incontinence is Runcorn. This really surprised me as the toilets in Halton Lea actually have a special cubicle dedicated to anyone with incontinence issues, and the picture on the door isn't the usual baby having a nappy changed, but an actual silhouette man sign like the gents symbol, but with a nappy on.
This is the first time I've ever seen this symbol and think it should be used on more disabled toilets where there is incontinence bins, so people know before they enter that they have a place to dispose of incontinence products.
At times when I've been in a disabled toilet with no incontinence bins, I've usually ended up leaving the pad in the corner of the toilet for the attendant to clean away, hoping that they'll get the message that their is something missing from the toilet and arrange for an appropriate bin to be supplied. If the toilet has a normal bin in it I will put it in the normal bins, however many of the toilets that don't have an incontinence bin, also usually don't have a normal bin either.
btw Lizzy - as for all disabled toilets being unisex - this is because there is no need for them to be single sex toilets. As only one person at a time can use them there is no need for them to be single sex.
In Warrington's Pyramid their toilets are absolutely amazing, some of the best toilets I've ever seen. These aren't just unisex disabled, but also full unisex, on each floor there are two cubicles, which both have full facilities in them for both disabled, incontinent, pull cords, and male/female. This is how all toilets should be designed, that way it would save space, and cater for everyone.
Also many times at festivals toilets are unisex as there is no point in making them single sex (although many festivals, including Disability Awareness Day (DAD) in Warrington have toilets that don't cater for people with incontinence - usually lacking incontinence waste bins (DAD need to get their act together on this one as the event is supposed to be for everyone with disabilities).
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I am allways astounded by the inaccesibility of disabled loos. My local coffee shop has very nice ones, but you have to clime three steps to get into the shop! Furniture storerooms, lost keys, and nasty conditions are some of the common ones. My worst experience was in a very posh resturant in london. The disablled loo was down a narrow corridor. I got in OK but could turn my wheelchair round to get out. Lucky I had my phone with me - I had to call my husband who arrived - with a team of anxious waiters to get me out!
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I hate to say it, but I am one of the able bodied people who is inclined to sneak into the disabled facilities when the need arises. I too created a map (although a mental one rather than a physical map) of all the best toilets around Manchester and these were often the disabled toilets.
I suppose I had different requirements though - I was really just looking for somewhere I wouldn't mind spending 5 minutes of my life in. Preferably somewhere that's not completely plastered in urine or emitting a smell that can only be described as sub-human. From my experience disabled toilets are generally more pleasant which could be down to the frequency of use. You also get a bit more privacy and space in disabled toilets and so they are useful if you're changing clothes or perhaps having a quick 'soap and dryer' wash.
However, I am always considerate and wouldn't use the one disabled facility if there were people in the vicinity that may need it more than me. Also, I've never used them for anything untoward, despite disabled facilities also being known as "sex-gymnasiums."
P.S. I went into the Costa toilet on Market Street last weekend and it actually smelt like flowers...amazing! I'll ignore the large amount of powerful chemicals which have made this possible.
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