´óÏó´«Ã½

There is a story doing the rounds, which I believe to be true, that when Disney made its most recent animated version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the original ending saw the hunchback himself walk away hand in hand with the princess, to live happily ever after. However, when the film was shown to test audiences in America, it was deemed "unrealistic", and the ending was re-animated.

In the final cut, as far as I am aware, the princess walks away enamoured with the gallant prince, while poor old Quasimodo is patted gently on the head by a maiden in a purely platonic "we're just good friends" kinda way.

Apparently, the original writers were so incensed that their work had been tampered with that they left the Disney corporation, defected to DreamWorks and wrote the screenplay for Shrek, in which an ogre and a princess fall head over, well, massive heels, before finding out that she was an ogre all along. Thus showing that the hideously disfigured can find love in a cartoon fairytale land.

"Hurrah for Shrek!" I say. Hurrah indeed! However, I'd love to see some real people on the big screen - people who are missing bits, and find true love. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a woman without an arm finding her perfect match in the big city? Sure, Friends featured a one-legged woman, who promptly left Chandler when she found out that he had three nipples, but she was only really there for comedic value.

OK, here's my pitch. It's a modern day Cinderella, in which a one-armed servant girl is constantly picked on by her three nasty step-sisters. (Note: the step-sisters are no longer ugly, because that too would be discriminatory. They're just nasty.)

After a visit from a magic fairy (or mouse, or whatever the hell it was) she is given a state of the art, jewel-encrusted artificial arm, complete with a clenching grip. Our heroine then makes her way to the ball in an access-aware coach, on the proviso that she leaves before midnight.

I think you can see where we're heading with this, can't you? Yes, she falls for the handsome prince, who in turn falls for her, but she loses all track of time and scurries from the room as the clock strikes twelve. The prince grabs her arm, it comes off in his hand, and Cinders departs, leaving behind a slightly bewildered member of royalty holding a prosthetic limb.

Of course, the prince sets out to find the owner of the limb, and calls from door to door in an attempt to find his one true love. The nasty step-sisters hack their own arms off in a desperate bid to marry into money, but can't manage to squeeze their bleeding stumps into the device. Finally, the prince spots our fair maiden scrubbing the floors, calls her over, and behold - the arm fits.

He asks for her hand, but she feigns offence at his arm-related comment. Quickly, he says that wasn't what he meant. She says, "I know, I was just messing with you" ... and they live happily ever after. Hurrah!

I guess what I'm saying is this: love is tough at the best of times, and sometimes having an artificial limb doesn't make it any easier.

"Wow, she's cute. My God, she's talking to me. I think she likes me. Hmm, when should I tell her about my foot? What if that freaks her out? What if she thinks she's fine with it, but when I take it off it freaks her out? Will our kids be born without feet?"

Just once, I'd really like to see a film or read a story that covers such experiences. Not in a soppy TV movie "overcoming all the odds to find love, despite a crippling affliction" kinda way, but in a matter of fact "here's a person missing a bit, getting on with it" type of affair.

Maybe the same movie could also address one of the upsides of having an artificial limb, which people tend to forget: it serves as a great asshole detector. If someone is turned off because of your stump, they are quite obviously an asshole. If they love you for who you truly are - they're a keeper.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.