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Readers, it's been a long and nervous week for many disabled people, what with the fresh financial year signalling the rolling out of reassessments, and the publication of the to its own consultation on Disability Living Allowance reform.

On a personal note, I also ran out of medication and had to phone my GP 13 times before I got through and was able to make an appointment to get a repeat prescription, and I fell over twice whilst engaged in the challenging practice of getting out of bed with the light off.

Yes, this week, life as a disabled person has felt to me somewhat precarious, riddled with uncertainty, and very hard work. So allow me to speak frankly: I was somewhat taken aback when I heard that national treasure, British actor and Hollywood icon, Jeremy Irons, had stated in a that smokers like himself should be afforded the same rights as disabled people and children.

At first, I thought I must've mis-read it: surely Jeremy meant disabled people and children should have the same privileges as wealthy actors such as himself? But no. The widely reported quotes the Oscar winner, former Playaway star, and dedicated chain smoker, as saying that a recent crackdown on smoking in New York public spaces is "a terrible bullying of a minority that cannot speak back".

The article says that good old Jeremy wants smokers to be protected "like handicapped people and children".

I know, I know, the word 'handicapped' isn't everyone's cup of tea, but every time disabled people argue about this, a little piece of my soul dies, so let's not go there, not this week when there're more interesting things to discuss.

I'm not particularly outraged that he made the comparison; several disability organisations have already got all hot and bothered so I don't have to waste my time. They've spouted the usual stuff: smoking is a choice, disability is not, Jeremy is an idiot for suggesting they are equivalent, you've taken my parking space do you also want my disability? That kind of thing. Excuse me, I dozed off for a minute there with the predictability of my own commentary.

This, by the way, is the man who claimed earlier this year that he wasn't bothering to attend the Oscars because he'd as he'd be outside, smoking. Truly, he's dedicated to his art.

What I'm far more interested in, is the question of what would happen if Jeremy's wish came true. What if smokers were treated in the same way as disabled people in this country?

First, I think Jeremy might be being a little optimistic. Of course, I'm aware of the numerous anti-discrimination laws that disabled people can invoke at the slightest hint of poor treatment, at least in theory, and I know about the numerous benefits, medical, council and voluntary services that exist to augment our unfortunate little lives.

Yet, as those Disableds presently awaiting the plop of DWP envelope on doormat know only too well, any smokers wishing to claim any rights or services under British law would first be assessed to confirm they qualify as 'smokers' in the first place.

There would be a very clear definition of what constitutes a 'smoker' and what does not, and any wishing to claim support would be expected to fill out a seventy-two page form and be subject to assessment from a smoking 'expert' they've never even met before. Certainly not their own tobacconist.

This expert will ensure everything they've written on those forms is true and that applicants do, indeed, inhale enough nicotine to qualify.

There would be severe penalties for those attempting to defraud the system. Tabloid newspapers would regularly publish exposés of claimants they deem unworthy. And there would be a government-funded hotline which people could call to report their neighbours are not smoking enough.

Jeremy, if you're reading, is this the utopia you had in mind? Give me a call, I'm sure we could arrange it. In fact, I'd be happy to help: at least you'd be sharing the pain, and we could use some high profile support.

This week on Twitter, I was informed that, according to some academic research on disability and the internet, I - Disability Bitch - am a 'pop culture icon' with 'an international cult following'. If you'd like to join the cult, you can like me on or follow me on . It's what all the academics do.

• Disability Bitch is moving to a fortnightly slot on the Ouch! website. Her next column is in two weeks time on April 21.