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So, I've had 24 years to accept the fact that there are some things that I will never, ever be able to do. And, by and large, I'm pretty cool with my list of no-no's, which include:

• Waitressing ("Would you like your food on your face or in your lap?").

• Plucking eyebrows (I'm not into facial piercings).

• Tight-rope walking (or just - walking).

• Heroin addiction (I can't thread a needle, let alone stick one in a vein).

• Bomb-disposal expert (talk about trying anything once).

But there is one limitation I just can't get my head around ...

OK, here goes ... I know they say 'size doesn't matter', but to me it does - enormously. As far as I'm concerned, the more inches, the sexier it becomes. Just looking at one can make me go weak at the knees - granted, that isn't a major achievement, considering my lack of balance. The last one I saw was a deep, dusky red. It must have been at least four inches high, with two thin, winding straps ready to tie elegantly around the ankle, and a toe so delicately pointed you could tickle a baby's tummy with it. I remember debating whether to go inside, sit down, and ask if they had my size. But why? I can't walk in stilettos!! My most optimistic guess was that I'd be able to stand completely still for three seconds, but I failed to convince myself that was a good enough reason to buy a pair of high (we're talking ear-popping) heels. I'd get better value for money if I sat down in them all night, though. I could have a dinner party and spend the whole evening sitting down chatting and then when it was time for dinner, I could say they were too tight and take them off.

What is it about high heels that makes them so appealing? Easy. You're saying, "Look everyone, I'm so feminine I only need a pair of toothpicks to hold me up." My well-worn Caterpillar boots came with a leaflet which proudly stated that they were suitable for, "Any weather. Any terrain. Any climbing". I've tested out rain and mud, but I think they are otherwise over-qualified for my feet. I really should have grown to love the whole 'flat-shoe thing' by now. I mean, my CP just isn't partial to tottering around on a pair of one square centimetre skyscrapers.

On the plus side - I am 5'8", which means that I don't actually need the extra height. But how often does anyone need a pair of sexy shoes? For me, it's about having (or not having) the option to buy a shoe. Don't get me wrong - there are some lovely ballet-shoe styles out there, but I would like to own them out of choice not necessity.

You are probably thinking that I have spent far too much time pondering this particular footwear issue, and I am inclined to agree with you. Alas, that time has already been wasted, so I might as well share with you my proposed solution to this fashion dilemma.

• The Problem: Francesca wants to wear high heels. Her balance says "NO!"

• The Aim: To attain a pair of high heels that look good and that Francesca can walk in.

• The Conclusion: The shoes will be designed to have a special retractable heel. This unique mechanism will allow the shoe to be flat when walking but (here's the science part) when Francesca is seated or stationary, a heel will come shooting out and click into place. Once on the move again, the heel will retract and - voila! - balance will be restored, the world saved and peace ... all right, it's not rocket science, but I'm sure my Year 7 science teacher would be proud.

So, I had the answer. Now all I had to do was to wait for the right time ...

At the beginning of this year's Edinburgh Festival, I celebrated my birthday. The day before, The Independent rang me up and asked me what my birthday wish would be. After briefly flirting with the idea of something involving a man and a kilt, I remembered my shoe fetish.

"Oh easy," I said. "A pair of retractable high heels."

The next day, The Independent printed my request and, lo and behold, a day later my agency received a call. It was from a company who had read the piece, offering to design me a pair! I couldn't believe it! I assured my agent that it hadn't been a joke, and that he should take them up on their kind offer. And here I am, waiting to see what the first ever pair of retractable heels will look like. Mind you, I can't help wondering what would have happened if they had printed the 'man in a kilt' birthday wish ...