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29 October 2014
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TV ENTERTAINMENT


The Guide to Little Britain


Foreword


Ever wanted to get the know the real British Isles and the real British people? Then the Guide to Little Britain is all you need.


This traveller's guide documents the experiences of two renowned social tourists - Matt Lucas and David Walliams - as they delight in all that is mad, bad, quirky and generally bonkers about the people and places of Britain.


From the rolling hills of England to the mountains of the Scottish highlands to the green valleys of Wales, Little Britain takes you on a trip of discovery to meet the inhabitants of this sceptred isle.


After a critically successful run on 大象传媒 THREE, the former Radio 4 show starring and written by Matt Lucas and David Walliams moves to the 大象传媒 TWO comedy zone from 1 December at 10.00pm.


Getting to know Little Britain - a traveller's guide



Vicky Pollard


"As the sun sets in southern Britain, those in the north are just waking up."


Move to the delightful Western country where you will find the town of Darkly Noone - where a flock of girls called Rochelle, Destiny and Candice roam the streets in their school uniforms - terrorising the innocent townsfolk.


Here resides the worst of them all - Vicky Pollard - an incomprehensible borstal girl - the bane of the lives of many a teacher and social worker.


Often to be heard rambling about "this fing wot you know nuffin about" as she stubs out her fags, orders snakebite and denies doing pretty much anything wrong.


A strange British breed but one to watch out for on your travels.


Emily Howard


"People in Britain do all manner of things for kicks. Some lick stamps, others sit on chairs... This fellow who calls himself Emily Howard, likes to dress up as a lady. Takes all sorts..."


David Walliams is EmilyThe seaside town of Old Haven sits proudly on this beautiful part of the British coastline somewhere near the town of Foulmouth.


A charming abode for any visitor here is the guest house belonging to Emily Howard - an unconvincing transvestite.


Emily welcomes all to his guest house but remember to treat Emily like a lady or he'll get very upset.



You'll find him wandering the streets with his bag gaily swinging as he strolls along the prom or pops into a florist or does anything else ladylike.


However, some say the "lady" doth protest too much!!!!


Jason & Nan


"Council estates are where the old, thick and bone-idle are forced to live."


The British inner city - where you'll find strange living quarters called "council flats".


Here in the Richard Vranch flats - a home to many a young whippersnapper - you'll find Gary and his complicated friend Jason.


Nice enough young teenagers but Jason hides a terrible secret - his love for Gary's Nan - an extraordinary beauty of an ethereal kind - at least to Jason and his teenage hormones.


Jason is a unique British teenager - devoted to his elders and caring to any aged female - maybe a little too caring!


Lou & Andy


"In Herby City centre, lies the library. The word library is derived from the Latin librus meaning Ssssssssshshhh!"


Down through the Midlands and you'll come across Herby City.


A minefield for grotty pubs, grotty swimming pools and food shops called "supermarkets".


Here you'll see a fine specimen of the caring British male. Lou is a "helper" and spends endless, selfless days helping his wheelchair user friend Andy who's grumpy, monosyllabic nature and inability to make up his mind are what fill Lou's every waking moment.


But Andy is not all he seems although Lou is oblivious to the fact that Andy seems to be quite able to walk, climb and even dive when he wants to.


Daffyd - the only gay in his village


"Here we find people of two genders - men and women."


Leave the flat English plains and head for the mountains of Wales where somewhere hidden in the deep cut valleys you will see the town of Llandewi Breffi.


A typically warm, Welsh town and home to the committed homosexualist, Dafydd.


Proud to be gay, Dafydd refuses to accept that he isn't the only "gayer" in his town.


Catch him swilling Bacardi & Coke's in The Scarecrow & Mrs King pub or popping down to the newsagents to find (to his horror) that the only copy of Attitude magazine has been bought!!


Marjorie Dawes & the Fat Fighters


"Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, the gluttons of Britain are free to walk the streets and attend special diet classes like this one."


Matt Lucas is MarjorieVisit any small town and you are sure to find a community centre - a truly British phenomenon where random groups of people meet.


In one of these centres you will find the likes of Marjorie Dawes - terrifying leader of the Fat Fighters group.


Marjorie is a rotund women who insists she is her "target weight" and proceeds to lead her group of weight-conscious through the dieting process.


She has handy hints - "Dust... it's actually very low in fat so you can eat as much dust as you like".


And motivational talks - "picture yourself naked - not nice is it, eh? Who the hell would want a great lump?"


Dame Sally Markham


"Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, newsagents in Britain have flourished."


Ah - the English countryside - acres of fresh air and the rolling fields with cow pats and huge country mansions dotted here, there and everywhere.


One of these mansions is owned by Dame Sally Markham - lady of gentility and also author of love stories extraordinaire.


Visit her vast abode and stare in awe as she sits creating yet another "masterpiece d'amour" with her dedicated - and rather peeved - assistant Miss Grace.


Some say Miss Grace is the true genius behind the romantic novels but who are we to judge the nobility?


Bernard Chumley (& Kitty)


"Tower blocks were introduced to Britain in the 1960s and were an instant success. People loved the sense of social alienation, entrapment and the stench of urine in the lifts."


For a taste of urban Britain, spend an afternoon visiting the grim high-rise of Sandi Toksvig House where children spray graffiti and adults duly encourage it and where acting legend, Bernard Chumley, and his sister, Kitty, dwell.


Forced to retire from theatrical society after a horrific accident, Kitty's star faded and, unfortunately, so did Bernard's.


But he's not bitter and he dotes on his paralysed sister - well "dotes" in that he steals her Meals on Wheels and calls in the undertakers unnecessarily.


Des Kaye


"The latest craze to sweep the nation after the Hula Hoop and dog-collecting, is DIY."


DIY - the great British hobby - with billions of DIY stores nestling in business estates all over the country.


In the Northern town of Little Tokyo, you may hear the cry of "Wicky Woo" coming from DIY Universe as former entertainer and children's presenter Des Kaye tries to add some colour into his dull, embittered life now that he has fallen from the TV pedestal.


Still desperately trying to reclaim his TV crown and flog his videos - others can only stare and shake their heads with pity as they mingle between paints and bathroom fittings.


Kelsey Grammar - Great Expectations


"Schools are where tomorrowadults or 'chil-dren' are harvested."


Take an instructive trip to see the seat of the British education system.


A fine example is Kelsey Grammar school in Flange for the young and gifted.


Here you can find pupils earnestly scribbling down the answers to the questions of life in between auditioning for the school production of Tango & Cash and learning the difference between potato and maize-based crisps.


Oh and the teachers are bonkers - the norm in any British school!


April & Neville


"Hospitals in Britain are where people go to die."


Should you ever find yourself at a British fete, you may see April & Neville.


April is a stalwart of the St Tom's Ambulance brigade - ready to fly into temporary paramedic action at the sign of any accident.


Her favourite - or rather, her only - method of healing the injured is by a variety of mints.


From the Murray to the Imperial to the Fox's Glacier - the great British mint is a cure for almost any hurt.


Neville has yet to believe in the medical use of the mint - much to April's despair. She knows what she's doing - honest!!


Dr Lawrence & Ann


"The health service in Britain is thriving, with three doctors to every one patient."


For an example of the fine British health service, visit the Steven Spielberg Psychiatric Hospital - a large and remote institution in Flatley where the ever-calm Dr Lawrence likes to keep the rules relaxed and allow his patients to run wild and blend into the local community.


One mad patient - Ann - has a regular Saturday job at the local library which involves throwing books at the floor.


She often gets invited to Dr Lawrence's home where she spends her time smearing food everywhere whilst screeching incoherently.


A modern and highly successful British institution where mental health is only a state of mind.


Sebastian & Michael (PM and his aide)


"Every thirty years people in Britain have the opportunity to vote in a general election. There is one party to choose from and that party usually wins."


London - seat of the Houses of Parliament and home of the main man - the Prime Minister - a man loved by his country and also particularly loved by his aide and confidante - Sebastian.


Sebastian does anything he can for the Prime Minister and loves nothing more than to get him on his own.


Michael the PM is oblivious to Sebastian's love and only just tolerates his erratic behaviour but Sebastian will do anything to stay close - very - close to his beloved PM.


Ray McCooney


"A favourite destination for holiday makers - after Siberia - is Scotland."


Hidden in the dramatic landscape of Scotland, past the hanging tree on the left, you'll find Ye Olde Hotele run by an eccentric Scot called Ray McCooney.


Ray lives in a fantasy medieval world but welcomes travellers to his humble abode.


He plays his flute and dances and - if you have the patience - he will tell you of the tiny sprites that speak from the noisebox (the TV), the mistress of the purse (tax inspector) and the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistook for a vegetable (tomato).


Enjoy your pleasant stay with his typical Scottish hospitality and if you are lucky he'll leave you with a riddle!


Dennis Waterman & Jeremy Rent


"It's ten past Diana, and in Sneddy's fashionable West End, the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent."


Down in the trendy boho streets amidst the bars and exclusive pubs you find the office of Jeremy Rent - agent to the stars.


Many legends of stage and screen have graced his door but at the moment Jeremy Rent is having a little trouble with Dennis Waterman.


Teeny weeny Dennis keeps turning down scripts to TV shows because he always wants to "star in it, write the themetoon, sing the themetoon" leaving Jeremy exasperated and desperate to find work for little client.


A true taste of the mechanics of the people behind the British showbiz stars.


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