"Please stop giving me safety advice, just keep me safe"
By Caitlin Stuart-Delavaine // 大象传媒 The Social contributor // 06 October 2021
Recent news coverage has brought me to my knees.The live updates of deceit, abduction, rape and death are unimaginably painful. It feels as if life has warped into a dystopian nightmare from which we cannot waken; from which there is no respite.
And although tuning into this continuous commentary on violence against women (VAW), comes with a severe mental tax, I feel guilty for switching it off. How, though, could anyone be expected to read about the unfathomable and then continue with their day as if all is ok? Nothing about this is ok.
After what feels like a full year of recurrent reports of sheer female-directed brutality, surely, we can accept that something needs to change. Surely, we can agree, that flippantly throwing safety advice at women, however well intended, is not the answer. Surely, it is time to reflect on the actions of men.
Concerning behaviours start young and, scarily, are sometimes reinforced instead of instantly halted. When will the “she’s playing hard to get” and “he’s only teasing because he likes you” narratives end? It is easy to see how these misplaced jokes, masked as innocuous banter, do not confront, but instead excuse and encourage these dangerous attitudes.
Sadly, such inappropriate behaviours only appear to escalate as we age. As young women approach adolescence, warnings of ‘provocative’ low necklines and ‘indecent’ short hemlines are commonplace. And by university, swapping stories about unwanted drunken gropes in darkened rooms and confusing sexual experiences distorted by drink, are shockingly normal. Nothing about this should be normal.
Dress habits, alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity have no bearing on any assaults that follow. Every time such factors are spotlighted in the press or by peers, it puts blame on survivors, further deterring them from seeking support or stepping forward.
We must be mindful of our words when discussing high profile cases, approaching each discussion as if we were talking to a survivor themselves. The stark reality is, within our social circles, we most likely are. It is time to be part of the change you wish to see, not inhibit it.
I appreciate how, at times, challenging this so-called ‘boys will be boys’ humour and ‘lads’ behaviour seems as effective as screaming into the abyss. My voice is certainly hoarse. Thankfully, this is not a battle that needs to be undertaken alone. Specialist services have fought the front-line for decades, advocating for better education and support for gender based violence (GBV) survivors, and will continue to do so.
So, when needed, there is no shame in switching channels, avoiding the news and taking a social-media sabbatical. There is power in rest and silent solidarity too.
I am not unaware that as a twenty-something university student, many may think I lack the qualifications to voice opinions on such a sensitive subject. I certainly feel this way at times. But this movement is inclusive and not only embraces but needs a collective effort. As we gather our strength to go forward, we will not simply rely on the voices of survivors, and an already stretched-specialist support system to carry this message.
Input is required from all, independent of gender, sex, sexuality or lived experience. There is strength in numbers and no limit to who and how to get involved. Donating to a local women’s support centre; telling a friend to stop engaging with an uninterested girl; retweeting an enlightened post. All these things matter. All these actions could help change lives.
I am tired of tragedy. I am tired of reading headlines, with the excruciating reality that it could have been me.
I write this plea as a novice blogger; a future doctor; but most importantly, a frightened young woman. I am tired of tragedy. I am tired of reading headlines, with the excruciating reality that it could have been me. I am tired of ‘text me when you get home’.
For every name we are told to remember and say, there are thousands more that go unheard. Each name is a person. Each person was a life. Each life deserved better. So, even though current times are hard, perhaps the most challenging of a lifetime for many, I urge you to keep fighting. Continue reflecting on your own understanding of VAW.
Always challenge the questionable comments. Advertise yourself as a safe support system, never judge. Because, at one point or another, we were all just trying to get home, and we all deserve to make it there.
