大象传媒

Written by Alison Spittle, co-host of Wheel of Misfortune on 大象传媒 Sounds.

Wheel of Misfortune, for those not in the know, is a new podcast on 大象传媒 Sounds presented by two stand-up comedians, Fern Brady and myself, Alison Spittle. Each week we spin the wheel to choose a topic, gather shameful tales from listeners and a special guest and, of course, offload our most compartmentalised memories and cringe-inducing stories so we can all be complicit in our mortification and laugh about it all too!

As a lapsed Catholic, I secretly think shame is good, so much so that I'm ashamed about how much I like feeling shame. I took the act of confession very seriously and would not only have a list of sins for my priest but also a list of reasons why I think I did them and why they were bad.

As I grew up, my faith in a higher power dissipated but the lovely tasty guilt still remains so now sending a WhatsApp voice note to Fern has become my confession box.

Normally, in this type of article I’d share my favourite episodes and tell you a little about them but today I’m going to pretend to be a priest. Why? Because I like to role-play and will not be judged. This part of the 大象传媒 website is my personal confessional booth! Come, my children, as we explore some of my favourite listener confessions from the series so far and I decide whether or not they deserve penance.

In this episode Sara Pascoe joined us to share her best bad break-up story.

We also heard a lady's Covid break-up tale of wasting her exclusive support bubble on someone who "smashed and dashed"- which feels like a Sex and The City episode set in 2020- and a man shared a story of being dumped on his doorstep by a woman's parents and her priest for ‘defiling her’- which feels like a Sex and The City episode set in 1820.

No penance here, instead I canonise them both to sainthood!

We heard from Tony Cantwell about a school sports day gone wrong as well as the school crime of the century! It involved a baby Jesus kidnapping, a ransom note issued to some nuns and a smashing ending.

This was the most sacrilegious voice note I’ve ever heard!

I must exorcise the confession box and do penance myself for even hearing that story. May porcelain baby Jesus have mercy on your souls!

Listen here for the full story!

For this episode, Phil Wang opened up about a badly timed date in Melbourne and keeping his poo in a Tupperware box. Hear the full story here!

One man sent us an eight minute voice note which I can only describe to you as a scatological odyssey. It was so long and so detailed, I won't lie, this priest was wondering if the confessor had other motivations.

However, content is content so we edited it down to the time he used the maps from his Game of Thrones book as emergency toilet paper and how it marred his experiences of the series ever since.

I would offer this man penance but I’m afraid of playing straight into his hands!

Sindhu shared a story of an unfortunate incident at Edinburgh Fringe which you can hear in full here.

And from a listener we heard the tale of a woman's aunt being harassed so hard by a seagull for her pasty that she fell and peed herself outside a Greggs in Newcastle.

Now, I can’t promise anything but I will ask god to never allow seagulls into heaven, even if they do confession. I declare them hell-bound with no mercy.

We must protect our pasties!

In this episode we covered drinking with Derry Girls', Siobhán McSweeney who told us about the time she literally rolled around a bar in Soho.

And from the listeners, we had a tale from a man who woke up with two teeth missing, a punched step-dad and a lost best friend after a night of a few too many.

My verdict?

I’m pretty sure step-dad punching is illegal but losing a best friend hurts so I recommend a few ibuprofen and a forgiving word with yourself.

For more hilarious tales of misfortune, and to laugh off your own shame, have a listen to the podcast.

If you want to join in, send in your own story! We can help you relive your trauma through a humorous lens. Record a confession and send it into to misfortune@bbc.uk or WhatsApp a voice note to (+44) 7519494891.

Go in peace!