大象传媒

How Nic Grundy’s elder daughter coped with the grief of losing her mother

Is that all that matters? What you think? What about us? We鈥檙e missing Mum, too! Or have you forgotten that?

Mia Grundy

When Jake, Mia and Poppy’s mum Nic died suddenly in February 2018, the family went into deep shock. Poppy’s father Will struggled to cope, and step-children Jake and Mia felt the full force of his distress. Will’s own grief blinded him to the intolerable pressure the children were feeling themselves. His erratic behaviour proved too much for Jake, and he left to live with his birth father Andrew.

Mia’s story explores the often silent nature of grief in adolescence which may go unnoticed by the people around them as the young person struggles with bewildering and frightening feelings.

Mia felt responsible for Poppy, and wore herself out maintaining the household in an effort to compensate for the loss of their mother. At first she seemed to be managing her new lifestyle heroically. Her capable manner and practicality were mistaken for maturity by friends and family, who merely thought Mia was a sensible, helpful girl who was exceptionally good with her little sister.

But Mia was still a teenager having to deal with all the changes to mind and body that adolescence brings, and slowly her world began to unravel. She and Will frequently clashed. It was only when cracks began to appear to others as Mia started to skip school and feign illness that the penny dropped with Will’s mum Clarrie. She warned Will that she thought Mia was struggling, but whilst Will could see the problems he was still wrestling with his own grief. Sister-in-law Emma proved an invaluable confidante for Mia, and together they worked through some of her issues. But Mia was still missing her mum.

Things escalated when Will discovered Mia alone with Ruairi Donovan. Ruairi was helping Mia with her homework, but Will jumped to the wrong conclusion. He lost his temper with innocent Ruairi, and embarrassed Mia in front of her friend. Mia blamed Will for the rift in her friendship with Ruairi, and whilst apologies were made and relationships patched up, it was an uneasy truce.

Another clash finally led to lost Mia leaving Ambridge to join her brother Jake. It was the death of Will’s granddad Joe that threw the family together again. Will took the opportunity to say sorry for his behaviour. They agreed they should spend more time together, and Mia suggested tentatively that Will might want to accompany Andrew and the children to an activity day for bereaved families. Slowly but surely the family were getting back on track and finding a way to move forward.

Assistance with research for Mia and her family’s story was provided by the Isabel Hospice Children’s Service. Tracie Slade, Children's Service Manager at the hospice, explains how they support children and young people who have lost a parent, sibling, grandparent or another loved one:

"Many children and young people struggle with other attachment issues, like separation anxiety, not wanting to go to school and leave behind the surviving parent in case something happens while they’re not there. For younger children and teens there is a sense of being able to protect the surviving parent. They can also become very angry, which is difficult then to express, as adults will try to get children to behave rather than allowing an anger outburst.

Talking through difficult feelings is key; our aim with children and young people in this situation is facilitating difficult conversations and normalising grief, sadness, anger and challenging feelings. If the young person is struggling to communicate or is confused about their feelings there are a number of strategies we can use to help unpick them. We provide children with one to one counselling, art therapy, small group sessions, a youth group and family bereavement days – all of which are designed to allow the young person and their carers to explore and express feelings through creative activities and play. Crucially we also create opportunities for families to meet with each other and realise that they are not the only ones going through this.”

The service is supported with funding from 大象传媒 Children in Need.