Main content

Dead Ringers: Rewriting the referendum (an unbroadcast Remain sketch)

With the referendum results on the way, Radio 4's topical impressions show had to prepare alternate sketches for a Leave or Remain vote. Here we present the script for an unrecorded Remain sketch, along with the broadcast Leave version.

Unbroadcast script - BORIS REMAIN

HUMPHRYS: So Britain has voted to remain in the EU, meaning ‘Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Lord Nigel Farage’ returns to being a future strip in Viz magazine rather than the future of our country. I’m joined now by what seems to be a cat hairball, but from my notes, is actually Boris Johnson.

BORIS: I’m puce with rage. What an outrage…this vote was rotten I tell you, a flagrant stitch up worse than the Battle of Thermopylae where Leonidas and his Spartans were routed by the Greeks.

HUMPHRYS: The election was rigged? By who?

BORIS: Well isn’t that obvious Mr Humphrys – God.

HUMPHRYS: Excuse me?

Producer Bill Dare oversees script changes

BORIS: You heard me, God. Do you think it was some coincidence that just as all the young people were sodding off to Glastonbury to get off their sherbet... a storm of biblical proportions engulfs our Sceptred Isle forcing them to cancel their journey. So instead of the polling booths being full of decent furious Express readers wanting their country back we had these long haired hipsters at a loose end voting remain.

HUMPHRYS: You really want to blame God?

BORIS: It’s like that half-Kenyan Barack Obama all over again. This outsider, with no sympathy for the British way of life, with his headquarters in Italy, and his foreign wife and son, He intrudes into our British debate and rigs the whole thing.

It’s the only explanation. Well its either that or people saw through our horribly cynical xenophobic campaign to demonise foreigners…so yes, it must be God.

HUMPHRYS: I see. Well, let’s put those accusations to God. He joins us now on the Thought for the Day hotline, Hello God.

THORA: Hello luvs, Thora here.

HUMPHRYS: Thora, we were expecting God?

THORA: Sorry about that. He’s popped out to laugh at David Icke. He’s left me holding the fort. Anything I can help with?

BORIS: Too right – you can explain why you heavenly abominations rigged the election with your abominable storm.

THORA: That’s ridiculous Boris., I can assure you the storm that mean hundreds of thousands more young people voting was totally coincidental to the vote and nothing to do with God thinking Farage is a bit of a twat .
Hope that put your mind at rest. Right, better start filing all these prayers from England fans at Euro ’16 in the unanswered file. God bless ‘em they never learn do they? Cheerio Luvs.

Broadcast script - BORIS LEAVE

DIMBLEBY: So with the time coming up to 4am, I’ve chugged my twelfth pro plus and have been busting for a pee for the last hour and a half. On the markets the pound that yesterday would have got you one dollar sixty is now worth three coconuts and a pineapple. I must be hallucinating because I’m joined now by what seems to be a cat hairball, but from my notes, is actually Boris Johnson.

Last minute script changes in the writers' room

BORIS: I’m puce with rage. What an outrage…this vote was rotten I tell you, a flagrant stitch up worse than the Battle of Thermopylae where Leonidas and his Spartans were routed by the Greeks. We were robbed. I tell you --

DIMBLEBY: But Boris, you’ve won.

BORIS: We’ve what!?

DIMBLEBY: You won. Leave won.

BORIS (BARELY ABLE TO BELIEVE IT): We won…me, Gove, IDS, that bug eyed loon Farage with his ‘Breaking Point’ posters. Seriously? We won!

DIMBLEBY: The public wanted to give the elite a kicking, so they voted with you guys.

BORIS: They wanted to give the elite a kicking so they voted for me!? That’s like being angry at bees so you stick your head in a wasps nest. Are they totally insane?

DIMBLEBY: Boris it’s almost as if you didn’t want to win?

BORIS: Of course I didn’t want to win! Everyone loves Boris when I don’t actually do anything. Just bumble about, get caught on zip wires and generally play the silly buffoon.. But as my time as London mayor showed, me running things and doing actual real politics is like putting a blancmange in a wind tunnel. Messy.

DIMBLEBY: But you do have a plan don’t know, what to do next. The markets are in free fall.

BORIS: A plan….yes….hang on…I’m sure Farage wrote one down. Aghh yes, here it is.

DIMBLEBY: On the back of a fag packet? What does it say?

BORIS: Something about a magical horse made of cheese and Fatima Whitbread. Oh damn, we’d had quite a few by this stage.

DIMBLEBY: So what do we do now? The country is in a state of emergency.

BORIS: I’ve got it! Relax – crisis over. We’ll hold a referendum. One on joining the EU. They splash the cash round like nobodies business, they’ll be able to bail us out no problembo. Aren’t you lucky to have Boris round running the show?

  • In a very sweary outtake, Lewis MacLeod stumbles over his words.

  • Catch up on episodes from the topical impressions show.

  • Download the latest episode of Radio 4's Friday night comedy.