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We all know how complicated relationships can be – but it can be especially hard when it comes to our parents. What is the best way to cope when we find ourselves stuck in the middle of our parents’ relationship?

´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour spoke to two women who have had to navigate this situation and heard about the impact it had on them. They shared their stories and some of their best advice…

A listener, who we are calling Shely, got in touch to share her experience. Her parents divorced when she was 14 years old. She is now 42.

"Since their split, the relationship between them has been pretty difficult. I’ve felt caught in the middle of it really. I’ve been on the receiving end of my mum talking to me in a way that probably was a bit inappropriate. She would talk a lot and get very upset about things with me.

“I didn’t really know that it was inappropriate or how to deal with that. At the time they split up, I didn’t even really know what boundaries were. I’d never heard the term used in terms of emotions.

“I ended up really resenting my Dad because I heard such negative stuff about him and his actions. It’s only in later life I’ve come to realise the lack of boundaries we had and how much it had affected me over the years.”

Diana Higgins is a life coach. She found herself involved in her parents relationship when they were faced with a difficult secret.

“My parents are still together but I always describe it (and they don’t appreciate this) as a bit of a dysfunctional relationship. I found out my father had another child out of wedlock. It was really hard because here I was, as an adult, having respect for both of them, loving both of them immensely, but holding a secret that at its core could blow up the whole family dynamic.

“I took a very conscious and brave step to tell my mother about the affair. I didn’t feel like it was my secret to hold, my father wasn’t forthcoming in giving my mum that information, and it wasn’t a burden I was willing to carry. My own peace of mind and sanity became more important to me. I couldn't look my mother in the eye and hold that secret.

“After that my relationship with him was very fractured and broken. For me personally, I was holding on to a lot of resentment towards my father. It was just eating me up inside. So I had to learn to forgive and move on.”

So, how can we learn to step back from being the designated family relationship therapist? Shely and Diana share their advice for those who feel stuck in the middle of their parents’ relationship:

“Knowing what your boundaries are is so important,” says Shely. “Be kind and compassionate to them, whilst being firm and knowing what you can and can’t listen to or do for them. Perhaps that’s not picking up the phone when you know that you’re not in the state of mind to deal with a difficult phone call from one of them.”

“It can be challenging and uncomfortable to set boundaries with our parents, especially as it may not be something you did as a child,” says Diana. “Ask yourself: ‘What boundaries do I need with my parents?’ ‘What’s one step I can take towards setting my boundaries?’ As an adult you have the right to protect yourself and boundaries are an essential part of having healthy relationships.”

“Your parents are your parents,” says Diana. “You cannot change them. In fact, you cannot change anyone. So the most that you can do is protect yourself by either stepping back or by setting boundaries for yourself. Focus on what you can control. This is usually about how you respond to them - it’s your choice and the one thing you do have control over.”

“You can’t always change it,” says Shely. “I think the situation is always going to be there. You just need to be compassionate and kind within your own boundaries. Don’t just try to ‘fix it’ as it’s not your job.”

“If things start to go left-field and you begin to feel unsafe, take that as your cue to leave or ask them to leave,” says Diana. “If you see that phone ring and you don’t want to answer it, don’t answer the call. Protect yourself. Even when you’re in their presence, if you start to feel a conversation is getting out of hand, make your excuses and walk away.

“It’s all about your peace of mind. Carrying all of that can be heart-destroying. Ask yourself: ‘How can I get out of a difficult situation with my parents if I need to?’ Small things can quickly escalate and become bigger and so it’s much better for your own inner peace to end your time with them at the first sign of trouble.”

“As children you look up to your parents and there is a part of us that tries to please our parents in some shape or form,” says Diana. “It’s normal to want to please them, but how do you please someone who has different values and goals in life? You can’t. So make choices that make you happy. Ask yourself: ‘What do I need to do for myself, even if my parents disapprove?’

“If you live your life trying to please your parents, you’ll be their captive — forever seeking validation and love from people who probably can’t give it to you in the way you need.”

“Do what you need to do to fill your cup,” says Shely. “Self-care is crucial, you can’t support someone else if you aren’t looking after your needs. Allow yourself to feel those feelings if something has become too intense or you’re feeling something really affecting you. Really clock it and check in on yourself.”

“Dealing with difficult parents can be very exhausting and can drain your energy,” says Diana. “Not only can it lead to stress, but it can also lead to ill health, sleepless nights and self-doubt. So take care of yourself.

“Find an outlet that works for you. Things like exercise, walking, getting enough sleep, surrounding yourself with positive people and having fun! These can help with your emotional and physical wellbeing.”

“Don’t keep it bottled up,” says Shely. “Talk to friends. If it is really affecting you and all getting too much, definitely don’t keep it inside. Seek professional help and have some counselling to sort through your feelings.”

Listen to the full discussion on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds, where you can also catch up on any episodes of Woman’s Hour you may have missed. Or join the conversation @bbcwomanshour on and .

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