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Lockdown may have become known as ‘the great pause’, but in reality many of us have found ourselves struggling to step off the treadmill and carve out the quality time we need for ourselves. So how do you minimise those feelings of guilt and maximise any bliss moments? What are the best ways to politely but firmly say no?

As part of our How To series exploring some of life’s big challenges, Woman’s Hour spoke to three women reframing the way we value and spend our time; Glamour magazine editor Deborah Joseph – now happily living her 70% life, parenting vlogger and bestselling author Louise Pentland and Celia Dodd, author of Not Fade Away: How to Thrive in Retirement. Here they share their best advice…

Deborah Joseph stumbled on a new philosophy for life after reaching breaking point around six months into a stressful new job as the editor of Glamour magazine.

“I wasn’t sleeping. My kids were two, four and six at the time and I had terrible, terrible guilt. My husband and I were arguing almost every day because my mental load was overwhelmed. I really considered giving up my job. I kept saying to myself, ‘Is it worth it?’ I absolutely love my job. I didn’t want to have to make a choice between being a mother and being a career woman. I'd been brought up to believe that failure wasn’t an option.”

But Deborah realised something had to give: “I just thought, 'I'm going to start consciously dropping balls and live my best 70% life.’ I'm going to decide what's important to me, and the rest is just going to have to fall by the wayside. [For example] I used to cook for 15 to 20 people every week for Friday night dinner. I decided to stop entertaining. Some friends were upset, but the friendships worth keeping will endure a change of priorities.”

“Lists for me are like my therapy,” says vlogger and author Louise Pentland. “As soon as you write everything down and put it on paper, or your notes app or wherever you're putting it, it’s not swirling round your brain.

“The top half should be priorities, then the bottom half is things you would like to do. Go through it and start with the easiest. A quick win will motivate you to tackle the harder ones. And if you don't finish the list, that's absolutely fine.”

“Lower your expectations of what you are able to achieve in a day, a week, a month,” adds Louise. “Then be grateful for what you have done. Just do your best and celebrate the small wins.”

“You can’t be perfect at everything all the time,” says Deborah. “Trying to be puts undue pressure on yourself and can be mentally paralysing. I’ve stopped being a control freak and started to delegate more at home and work.

“But it’s no good delegating if you are going to criticise that it’s not been done how you would have done it. I asked my husband to reduce my mental load and take on some of the children’s management - and I let him get on with it. But we’ve agreed he won’t dress the kids, because I hate what he puts them in and can’t let it go!”

“It’s not selfish to look after yourself - you can’t look after anyone else if you’re not OK,” says Louise.

“Twice now I’ve been on the very edge of being seriously unwell, both physically and mentally, because I've pushed and pushed. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, your job and everyone around is just take time out.

“Whether that's going for a bath, going out with a friend for a day or going on a whole holiday and saying, 'No, I’m not answering anything, if there’s a crisis, someone else will just have to deal with it.’ You’ll come out refreshed and more able to meet your obligations.”

Writer Celia Dodd adds: “There are a lot of women in my book [who] felt they should be washing the floor all the time or doing something worthwhile. Reading a book in the afternoon felt so ‘selfish’, but [one woman] made herself do it and then it became a habit… it’s not a desire, it's a need. You need to do this.”

“Taking time to really reflect on this will reap rewards,” says Celia, who’s interviewed many people about how they spend their retirement.

“You have to distinguish between things you are good at and things you actually want to do. You may have spent so much time cooking that you think you like it, but maybe you don’t? Maybe you really love sky diving or pond-building? Work this out first, then make plans to do it and stick to them.”

Most of us schedule our work and social commitments, so why not put those acts of self-care in the diary too? Celia advises lining up a mixture of activities you can turn to when you have small pockets of time.

“These might include a dance class or yoga session or learning to play an instrument, but also it’s important to have some things in the house, that are already set up and can be done without making an effort. Crafts and reading are good example of things that you don’t have to commit an hour to, even 10 minutes feels significant and restorative.”

Louise adds: “Share your calendar with others - your partner and your work team if appropriate. That way no-one will try to cram in things that you can’t do.”

Whether it’s parties, pickups, an extra project, or grandparent childcare, you can say no – and Celia explains you can even do it in a constructive way.

“Be constructive about how you could help. So, it's always, ‘No, but…’ So, ‘I don't want to do full time childcare, but I could certainly help a couple of mornings a week.’ Or I could do this or that. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think how it is for them. Then you can work out a way together of how things are going to work without causing offence.”

“Whether it’s over your weight or forgetting somebody’s birthday or not seeing a friend for six months, just let yourself off the hook,” says Deborah.

“There’s all kinds of judgements going on; around working women, some of my friends are judged for not working, you can't really worry about what other people think. That was very much part of my 70% life rule. All I'm going to focus on is what's important to me. Once you start taking on other people's opinion of yourself on top of your own guilt and on top of your own issues, you just don’t get out of bed in the morning.”

Listen to the full discussion on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds where you can also find any episodes of Woman’s Hour you may have missed.

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