Are these the best Christmas jokes ever?
Christmas and laughter go together like turkey and sprouts, Morecambe and Wise, or Nan’s eggnog and a strange feeling of nausea…
It’s impossible to imagine the festive season without having a giggle – watching the Christmas special of your favourite sitcom, every stand-up comic shamelessly flogging their live DVD as a stocking filler, and you will almost certainly pull a cracker or two over your Christmas dinner.
It’s hardly surprising – any time of year which involves having your relatives to stay is bound to leave you desperate for a good laugh.
Or perhaps there’s a more primal reason; our need for light and cheer in the cold dark winter.
But of course, Christmas comedy is not all about laughter. Anyone who’s ever pulled a cracker will know there’s a lot to be said for "the groaner" – a joke so stonkingly pun-tastically terrible that it raises an audible howl of protest.
So, as we reach the end of the year, here’s our selection of some of the best (and worst) Christmas jokes ever…
“What is Santa’s favourite pizza?”
"One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.” – yep, you guessed it, it’s from a cracker.
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – the late, great Joan Rivers.
“My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.” – King of the one-liners, Tim Vine.
Listen to the Tim Vine Chat Show
“Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
"A Mince Spy.” – another cracker from a cracker.
“Which author steals train sets from under the Christmas tree?
"Nick Hornby.” – surreal gagsmith Milton Jones.
“How many donkeys does it take to change a light bulb? Donkeys don’t know what a light bulb is, and they’ve got hooves anyway. If you’re going to do one thing this Christmas, for God’s sake keep donkeys away from light bulbs.” – Peep Show’s Isy Suttie.
Listen to Isy Suttie's Love Letters
“Where does Father Christmas like to enjoy a mixture of badminton, horse-riding and subtropical swimming? Santa Parcs.” – Comedian, poet and Alan Partridge sidekick Tim Key.
Listen to Tim Key's Late Night Poetry Programme
"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints." – Comedian Susan Calman.
Listen to Susan Calman's Mrs Brightside
“Which London Underground line is best with leftover turkey?
The Piccalilli line.” – Stand up and Twitter joker Tony Cowards.
“Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf.” – Radio 4 star Tom Wrigglesworth.
Listen to Tom Wrigglesworth's Hang-Ups
“Why won’t Donald Trump be attending midnight mass?
Fake pews.” – Anonymous (probably just as well).
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