大象传媒

If you’re looking for love online, not only do you need to be able to write your own dating profile, you also need to decipher the words of others. Unfortunately, not everyone is honest. And it’s very difficult, as a dater, to tell whether someone is being deceptive or not. However, there are some warning signs to look out for:

• People who are writing something that is untrue tend to use fewer references to themselves because they “psychologically distance themselves from what they are writing,” says Nicola.
• “They also use more concrete and simple language because it’s cognitively more difficult to lie than it is to tell the truth,” she says.
• “They’ll write less, because they want to avoid contradicting themselves.”

Men and women lie about different things

“Men are more likely to lie about their height, whether they have children and their relationship status,” says Nicola. In fact, “most men lie about their height on dating profiles.” On dating site OkCupid in the United States, the average height of a man is two inches taller than the average American man – so men are lying about their stature across the board.

“Women are more likely to lie about their weight and they’re more likely to use older photographs.”

Negative comments about the dating platform, dating itself or about other people, are a huge red flag, says Nicola.

“Sexism or misogyny, racism, ableism, fatphobia, homophobia” are obviously a big no-no for most people, but there are more subtle things – like stating what you don’t want in a partner – that put people off. “It’s much, much better to be positive in your profile than it is to be negative,” says the cyber-psychologist.

Where does this new language of love originate?

This new language of the internet often comes from African American communities, says Nicola. There are turns of phrase and ways of saying things that are "really interesting and creative". These get appropriated by mainstream culture and spread worldwide. Unfortunately, they often get appropriated without any acknowledgement of where they’ve originated from.

12 words and phrases from the world of online dating

Nicola talks through some of the jargon that’s emerged within the realm of cyber romance.

1. Slide into my DMs

This literally means “slide into my direct messages”, but it’s more loaded than that, says Nicola: “Sliding in suggests something just a little bit more negative.” It’s when someone sends you a message behind the scenes on a social media platform with the intention of chatting you up, and the “sliding” is a reference to the fact that you haven’t invited them to do so. “A lot of the times it’s inappropriate, particularly on a platform like LinkedIn, which is all about work, and it’s unrequested.”

2. IRL

An abbreviation for 'in real life.' Although, says Nicola, “online these days is real life as well… It’s so integrated into our world that the difference between in real life and online has really blurred… It’s not necessarily always a separate space.”

3. Hook-up

“That’s generally some sort of casual sexual encounter,” says Nicola. It doesn’t have to mean sex but, whatever it is, it’s without any longer-term intentions. “Often hook-ups turn into longer-term relationships, and they don’t suffer because of how they started,” Nicola stresses. It’s now a very normal way for people to get together.

4. Ghosting

“Ghosting is where you’re talking to somebody online – you might have even gone on actual, physical dates with them – and then they just completely disappear, with no explanation,” explains the cyber-psychologist. “They don’t return any of your messages; they no longer interact with you at all online.” For a lot of people, this is an easy way to exit a relationship without confrontation. But it can be very confusing for the recipient, says Nicola, because they have no answers as to what went wrong.

5. Zombieing

“Zombieing is when someone returns from ghosting you as if nothing happened,” says Nicola. They disappeared on you with no explanation, and then they just reappear and contact you with no acknowledgement of what occurred.

6. Haunting or soft ghosting

“Haunting or soft ghosting can be where the ghoster comes back and starts liking your posts, or following you, or watching your stories,” says Nicola. “So, they’re not directly interacting – they’re not messaging you – but they’re just there around the edges, interacting with you a little bit online.”

7. Breadcrumbing

“Haunting and breadcrumbing are similar in a way,” says Nicola. “Breadcrumbing is where someone drops in small morsels of interaction to keep you going and keep leading you on.” You might receive the occasional message; the occasional like.

As with haunting, it leaves you wondering where you stand.

8. Catfishing

“Catfishing is when someone creates a profile that isn’t them at all, so a complex false identity, usually with the purpose of looking for or pretending to get involved in love or romance,” explains Nicola.

9. Wokefishing

“Wokefishing is when the person is generally who they say they are, but they say that they’re much more liberal in their values and political attitudes than they actually are,” says Nicola. “This one’s really problematic because they’re not lying about something like their height, they’re lying about core values and attributes that are really important to people.” It can also take a while to uncover.

10. Caking

Caking is “acting sweeter or more responsive to somebody than usual when you’re trying to flirt with them,” says Nicola.

11. Cookie-jarring

“Basically, someone who likes to have a lot of choice so they’re keeping a lot of people on the go as back-ups; dating multiple people at a time in case they need them in future,” says Nicola. They’ve got the “cookie” they’re eating, and then a whole load more in the jar.

12. Slow fade

This is “a gradual slow down” of a relationship, until you’re not talking at all, says Nicola. The person you’re interacting with online will send fewer and fewer messages, be less and less responsive, like less of your posts, “until it just filters out completely.”

Listen here to find out more about the language of online dating and to hear Dr Nicola Fox Hamilton's advice.