´óÏó´«Ã½

Have you ever started an email with this: ‘I’m really sorry to trouble you, but...’? Or apologised when someone else has bumped into you in the street?

As women, we can find ourselves being overly apologetic and feeling shame at being too outspoken. But what impact does this have on us?

Psychologist and author Anne Dickson has spent over four decades teaching the art of assertive communication. Her first book, A Woman in your own Right was published in 1982. She spoke to Woman’s Hour on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4 about why assertive communication is important and shared her tips on how you can master it.

“What it is is clear, direct communication,” says Anne. “And it is not aggressive - that's the important thing. It's very much as an equal. So, you don't override somebody else. You don't diminish and you don't belittle somebody else. But you approach somebody with your needs, as an equal to somebody else's needs. It means you take responsibility for what you want and be clear about it.

“Say, for example, you have a woman at the top of her profession. Maybe she's a doctor and she's very confident and very successful. But she can be faced with a male colleague and still find herself being intimidated.

“Why? Because the man will never have had any doubt about his right to be at the top of the ladder, because he's got centuries of tradition behind him. It's one of the most empowering things for women to know how to deal with these situations. How do I speak differently? How do I stand? How do I approach it differently?”

Anne Dickson’s top five tips for mastering assertive communication:

“We often find it hard to say ‘no’ clearly at the time a request is made,” says Anne. “Instead of mumbling something vague or agreeing to something you don’t want to do and then having to find an excuse afterwards, give yourself time.

“If you sense any hesitation when asked about something, say clearly: ‘I’m not sure. I’d like an hour or a day or a week to think about it.’ This way, you have a better chance to work out your response away from the pressure of the moment.”

“Learn to identify and follow a feeling – anxiety, discomfort, anger, hurt – without censoring yourself. Acknowledgement of your feelings is an important first step to effective communication, because pretending not to feel something will weaken and distort what you want to say. Then you can learn to put your feelings into words.”

“If your intuition tells you that you cannot trust a person or situation, this is your reality. Trust your inner voice instead of telling yourself to be rational or holding onto a fantasy that you wish were true.”

“The need for approval undermines our authority,” says Anne. “Emerging from a situation with your self-respect intact will also engender respect in others, which in many situations is more appropriate than having to be liked all the time!

“Practice handling authority without aggression. When you convey decisions or give instructions or criticism clearly, a commitment to equality means giving the other person the space to express their response to what you say.”

“Never begin to speak to someone while they are looking at a screen, on the phone, reading a paper, talking to someone else – in other words, when they are not giving you their attention.

“It takes practice and you will feel awkward waiting. But if you begin to speak while someone’s attention is elsewhere, this conveys a subtle message that what you’re saying is not worth listening to.”

Listen back to the full interview with Anne Dickson on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds, where you can also hear any episodes of ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour you may have missed. Join the conversation @bbcwomanshour on and .