'It was taking over my life': How do you know when to give up on your dreams?
We’re often told not to give up on our dreams, but what if they’re causing unhappiness, stress or even ill health?
During Woman’s Hour’s Listener Week, listener Monica emailed to tell us that, now in her 70s, she has given up a lifelong dream of becoming a novelist.
Instead of it causing pain or grief, she describes the decision as “liberating”, and that “I am not a writer” is now her favourite phrase!
Keep reading for Monica’s story and advice from chartered psychologist Catherine Hallissey on when it could be the right time to let go of certain lifelong ambitions.
‘I had so many ideas’
“I’ve always been interested in the imagination and living in the world of the imagination”, says Monica. “When a teacher told me when I was quite young that I could be a writer, it stuck. I absolutely wanted to – I loved everything about it.”
Writing that novel was ruining, it was making me feel ill.Monica
Monica did manage to publish a non-fiction book on the menopause – but it was her attempt at writing a novel that took over her life and eventually eluded her.
“It was massive for a while, I had so many ideas”, she says.
“I got hold of agents out there. I once had lunch with an agency, and they said: ‘Tell me in one minute what this novel’s about’. 15 minutes later, his eyes were glazing over, and I was still talking! I couldn’t stop it. I thought, this is so embarrassing.”
‘It was taking over my life’
“I was working as a teacher. Every single holiday I thought, ‘I ought to write’”, says Monica. “Writing that novel was ruining, it was making me feel ill”.
Finally, in her 70s, Monica came to a conclusion: “I know I’m not a novelist. I get the beginning and the ending, but the middle bit is the bit where I get confused.”
Having given up on her dream of being a novelist, Monica is now working as a wellbeing practitioner at a school. "It’s wonderful because I can engage with children’s imagination.”
Moving on from her dream worked for Monica – but is it ever possible to know when we should let go of a lifelong dream?
Chartered psychologist Catherine Hallissey says it’s a really good question.
Ask yourself if pursuing this goal is worth it.Catherine Hallissey, chartered psychologist
“You hear so much: ‘You should always have goals’”, she says, “but you don’t hear so much that you need to constantly review those goals.”
Catherine suggests that you ask yourself some questions, like, “Is this goal still right for you?
“Think about whether it still fits your life and who you are now, and if this is still something you truly want to achieve”, she says.
She also advises people to think about whether the pursuit of this dream brings you any joy. “Is the passion and purpose you felt at the start now gone?”
And you could also think about whether the goal is realistic, Catherine suggests. “Do you have a specific step-by-step plan to achieve the goal?”
“You also need to conduct a cost-benefit analysis”, says Catherine. “Ask yourself if pursuing this goal is worth it. To answer this, you need to really examine the true cost of pursuing the goal – for example, does it take too much from other areas of your life? And if you let go of it, what could become possible?”
‘Evaluate whether this goal is still right for you’
“One of the things that holds people back from letting go of goals is the sunk cost fallacy”, Catherine explains.
“The sunk cost fallacy is where you stick with a goal because of how much time and energy you have already put into it, despite evidence that it would be better to let it go. But this time was not wasted - it helped you become the person you are now.”
Catherine also thinks ‘goal adjustment capacity’ should be considered.
“This is the ability to incorporate new information and adjust your goal accordingly”, says Catherine. “A person’s capacity to let go of unattainable goals and re-engage in new ones is associated with greater psychological wellbeing.
“It’s important to regularly review your goals and assess your progress, evaluating whether this goal is still right for you.”
‘Be willing to cut your losses if necessary’
Catherine examines her goals every single week – even if it’s just briefly.
You need to be willing to cut your losses if necessary.Catherine Hallissey, chartered psychologist
“I think: ‘Am I still on track, is this still the thing to do, or do I need to release some of these tasks?’
“It’s just trying to bring a little bit more flexibility into what you’re doing.”
Most importantly, it’s about accepting that we grow and change, Catherine says. “Success isn’t holding on to a goal at all costs, it’s evaluating what the true cost of that goal is.
“You need to be willing to cut your losses if necessary.”
Ultimately, Catherine says you never know what you might have time for if you let go of your dream when you need to.
“All of this openness and spaciousness and opportunity, even creativity – that can come because you let go of a confining goal and open yourself up to new possibilities.”
If you want to hear more about how we can re-evaluate our dreams, you can listen to the full interview on 大象传媒 Sounds.
Join the conversation on Instagram and Twitter @bbcwomanshour.
